Last spring my husband and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary. I had posted this on my previous blog and it meant so much to him, so, I decided to transfer it here.
I'm
not going to lie, there were times when I didn't think we were going to
make it this far. There were times when I questioned if this is really
worth it. Marriage is tough and our marriage has faced many
challenges. When we entered life as a married couple we had plans on
how we were going to be committed to one another for the rest of our
lives. We didn't want our marriage to be 50/50. We planned to give
each other 100% of ourselves to the other. In order to give yourself
completely to your spouse takes a lot of work and I have failed in doing
so many, many times. Through all the hard times, even when I felt like
it wasn't worth it, my husband was still completely devoted to making
sure I was happy and that our marriage was going to last until one of us
takes our last breath. I want to be completely real here and admit
that I am not perfect and, like any human, I have my own struggles. But
it's been good and it's been worth it. I have grown so much from that
23 year old newlywed fifteen years ago. I would love to share 15 things
I have learned in these fifteen years.
1.
THERE WILL BE TOUGH TIMES
- When you first fall in love with someone everything seems to be so
perfect and wonderful. Those butterflies flutter around your stomach
every time you look into his eyes and you consider yourself the luckiest
woman in the world. Then, eventually, the dopamine wears off and
reality sets in. Sure, you still love the guy but it's not quite like
it was in the beginning. You enter new expectations and challenges.
You see his flaws and you learn about each other's differences and
sometimes those differences can lead into arguments. Then there is the
issue of finances and how to spend money or if there's enough money to
pay the bills. A marriage encounters many challenges and it's not
always going to be wonderful but with faith, commitment and a
willingness to get through it all no matter what it takes you can
definitely get through it.
2.
GIVE WITHOUT EXPECTING RECIPROCATION
- Like I said earlier, I believe marriage is about giving 100% of each
other. If I do something special for my husband I don't expect him to
do something for me in return. If you expect the other to return favors
or do something for you then you will end up disappointed. It's better
to give than to receive. Of course, it is nice when he does things for
me and I do appreciate it (just thought I'd throw that in there).
3.
THERE WILL BE GOOD TIMES
- I've mentioned the challenges and the tough times but yes there are
plenty of good times. The moment we purchased our house, the two times
we came home from the hospital with our new baby, vacations, promotions,
raises, etc. So many good times. After fifteen years it's hard to
mention all of them.
4.
PUT YOUR SPOUSE FIRST -
There is no room in a marriage for selfishness, although, yes, there
were plenty of times when I put my needs ahead of his. I'm really sorry
for doing that. My focus needs to be on what makes him happy, what he
wants from me as his wife, what he needs to me to do to make things
easier on him, etc. That goes with putting him first in our marriage
but I also need to put him before anyone else, even our children. It
was just the two of us for five years before we brought children into
the world and when they are grown and out of the house it will go back
to being just the two of us. We have to make sure we keep our marriage
strong so we never lose sight of it. It was so easy to push our
marriage aside during the time when our children were babies and
toddlers. Let's face it, babies and toddlers are extremely needy and
require our constant time and attention. I knew I was putting their
needs ahead of their father's and that just shouldn't have happened.
Marriage first.
5.
KEEP GOD IN THE CENTER
- My husband and I both have a hard time praying out loud. It's just
something we aren't comfortable with because we believe that prayer is
personal. I have prayed for my husband many times and he has prayed for
me but we never took the time to pray together and with each other.
Then our marriage recently hit a big bump and I won't say what that was
but it wasn't good. At that point my husband got on his knees, took my
hand and asked if I would pray with him. We closed our eyes and he said
a prayer out loud. It was that moment that I felt comforted in knowing
that we were going to be okay. Our Christian faith has always been the
foundation of our marriage and we have always been committed to keeping
God in the center of our marriage and in our home.
6.
SET A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR OTHERS
- Whenever my husband kisses me we will hear one of the kids yell,
"EEEWWW!" Grossing the kids out is a good thing because it shows them
what a healthy marriage looks like. We have to be an example in
teaching our children what marriage looks like and what it should be so
they know what to look for in a spouse and in their own marriage.
7.
FORGIVE - Oh boy, this is a biggie. Marriage requires constant forgiveness. It doesn't help to hold onto grudges.
8.
COMMUNICATE - It is a
bad idea to keep anything bottled up inside and from your spouse.
Personally, this is a tough one for me because I am not someone who can
easily open up to anyone. However, my husband should be that one person
that I can tell anything to, even if it's something he isn't going to
understand. Communication helps with understanding each other and
staying on the same track.
9.
COMPROMISE - Marriage
is all about compromise. As a single person it was easy for me to do
whatever I wanted and however I wanted. Now that I have a spouse I have
to put his needs ahead of my own. Sometimes he wants something that I
don't but I have to figure out a way to make it work so that we both can
be happy ... but ultimately his happiness is my main focus.
10.
FIND COMMON INTEREST -
For many years my husband has sat and watched some of my shows with
me. I'm not sure if he was really into them but he watched them with me
because it's what I liked. Recently he started becoming really
interested in guns and shooting. I realized, especially in the world we
live in, safety is really important and very important to a woman with
small children. We both purchased memberships to a local range and we
will go on dates with each other to do some shooting. It really makes
him happy when I do this with him.
11.
GIVE SPACE -
Time together is so important but I also believe time apart is
imperative too. There are eight hours in a day that I don't see my
husband because he's at work and that allows me the time to miss him and
look forward to when we can be together.
12.
SEE EACH OTHER THROUGH GOD'S EYES
- I refuse to see my husband for his flaws and imperfections. I have
asked God to allow me to see him the same way that He sees him. God put
him on this earth for a reason and with a purpose and I need to focus
on helping him to be that person that God calls him to be.
13.
SHARE INTIMACY OFTEN -
I have heard couples say that their intimate life has been pushed on
the back burner, especially after the kids came into the picture. I
know the experience of this all too well, also. Little ones require a
lot of time and attention and can leave a mother feeling really
exhausted by the end of the night. Having that intimate time with my
husband was the last thing on my mind. However, it's so important. God
created sex for the purpose of husbands and wives to bring each other
together as one flesh and it's an important part of marriage. Not just
for conception but for closeness. It's a bond that you have with each
other that you don't share with anyone else and that's what makes it so
special.
14.
FRIENDS FIRST - We
met in college and became really good friends. It was so much fun
hanging out and getting to know each other without the fears and
uncertainties that relationships can bring. Going on a date with
someone you hardly know can definitely be nerve-wracking. We were
friends for two years before deciding to become more but even after the
engagement and marriage we decided to continue keeping our friendship
above anything else. He is my best friend.
15.
STOP COMPLAINING -
Oh, goodness. I have complained. A lot. My husband has heard me
complain because our house is too small, the car is too old, the house
can never stay clean even though I spend all day cleaning it, etc. That
poor guy. The amazing thing about my husband is that he never
complains. He wakes up early, goes to work, comes home and goes about
the evening. He may tell me about something that went on at work that
was frustrating but he just deals with it. He can so easily just brush
things off his shoulders. Not me. Nope, I'm the complainer. I
recently realized that complaining solves nothing and it's better to
appreciate what I have instead of expecting something better. Yes, the
house is messy but that's because it's lived in and I am thankful that
we can provide a roof over our children's heads. My husband's job is
outside of the home and he makes the money to pay the bills. My job is
to make sure the house is clean and everyone is happy and I need to take
care of all of that without bickering about it. Again I say,
complaining solves NOTHING.
So, there it is, 15 things I have learned in the last 15 years and I'm
sure I can come up with a lot more. I am thankful for my husband and
his devotion to our love and family. He works hard, even when he
becomes exhausted.
