Sunday Morning

I woke up about an hour and a half before everyone else did and that's often unusual.  My son is an early bird and will wake up before the rest of us.  However, this morning was different and the peace and quiet of the morning was enjoyable.

I made a pot of coffee and took a cup outside to my back porch.  I sat there and enjoyed the sounds of nature, with my cup of hot and delicious brew, and a conversation with Jesus.  There were the chattering of birds around me and a squirrel who amusingly found his way up a pole and into the neighbor's bird feeder.  Admittedly, the time I take to converse with my Lord isn't as often as it should be.  Lately, I've been having a hard time with a lot of things and this was an opportunity to give it all to Him.  I've been struggling with a lot of emotions and a lot of thoughts that have been affecting my day to day life.  It's been affecting my mood and how I've been handling so many things from my marriage, to my parenting, and to how I see life in general.  It all went to God.  The things I've faced in my past that seems to want to continuously creep up on me, the things currently going on, the unknowns of my future ... all went to my loving God.  He took it all and I could instantly feel the freedom of all those burdens I was bearing.  I felt a sense of peace and ready to start the day.  I thought it would be best to grab my Bible that has been sitting on my nightstand but I didn't want the risk of waking up my husband.  I was enjoying the moment too much.  It was at least an hour of talking to the One who had the power of changing me and comforting me.  That was so needed and something I'll have to try to put into every morning.  

My son woke up and we snuggled on the couch as he read his book.  Then my husband and daughter woke up.  My daughter asked if I could read with her.  Every day they are to read for the library's summer reading and so far they've been doing amazing with it.  Throughout everything, even the bickering between my kids, I was able to handle it so much better.

I even took this positive energy and used it on getting some major cleaning done.  I really hate to clean on this day of Sabbath but since every other day in the week is filled with so many events it's hard to focus on what needs done inside the house.  So much clutter.  So much dust and dirt always finds it's way all around, even moments after I've cleaned.  My goal for 2019 was to rid the house of as much as possible and that's been a slow process.  Our development held a yard sale over the weekend and my husband took charge of it and although we got rid of a lot there's still so much more laying around.  My son, heading into the preteen years, was eager to get rid of a ton of toys where my daughter, almost eight, was having a hard time saying goodbye to anything she owned.  I realized this is a process I can't rush with this sensitive and sentimental girl.  Her willingness to let go will come with time.  I'm just hoping that the less clutter will result in more peace of mind and less anxiety for me.

Today, is a good day!

"Cast all your cares on HIM because HE cares for you." -- 1 Peter 5:7

Life As A Baseball Mom

I knew when we found out we were having a boy that he would one day play baseball.  My husband played as a child and he coached his nephew's team.  It seemed that having our son try the game would be inevitable.  From t-ball to 12U I have sat through many games cheering him on and also feeling frustrated when something went wrong.  There have been several careless mistakes, or just bad calls from the umpire, but that has turned into a lot of growth and lessons learned.  He's so much better than he was before and I'm super proud of him for sticking it out and enjoying the game.  He has the heart for this sport.  Even when he's not on the field he's in the backyard swinging his bat.  I'm sure he's out there imagining he's in the big leagues ... hey, maybe someday. 

Last evening was his last game of the season and a big part of me is actually glad.  This was a long season and often frustrating.  Not because of anything he did.  In fact, I'd say this was his personal best season yet.  They lost every game and it was agony to watch.  I would often grow frustrated at the coach, and he's my husband, by the way.  I've heard comments from other parents sitting close to me.  The players were becoming frustrated with themselves or with others on the team.  It was a rough one but they got through it.  As the season went on they grew stronger and played better and hopefully they take these lessons and apply them next year.

Last night my son made 5 outs at second base, 3 of them being in one inning.  One player referred to him as the MVP of the game.  Every game, no matter how it's played, he's always my MVP.  He plays his best as catcher and second base.  Who knows what position he'll be when he plays for high school but I'm going to continue to look forward to watching him play.

So often I hear kids say they don't want to play the sport but their parents make them.  Parents, don't do that to your children.  Let them try new things but make sure it brings them happiness.  Baseball is a great sport that teaches sportsmanship, team work and has plenty of room to teach them how to grow and adapt.  I'm glad he enjoys it so much.  

This is one proud baseball mom.

See ya on the field next spring!

LOSING MY RELIGION ... TO FIND YOU

I became a fan of singer Lauren Daigle when I heard her song You Say.  The song reminds me that when I feel that I'm not good enough God thinks I'm worth it.  It's a song that so many have been able to relate to, even those who do not live faith-based lives.  Then I came across her song Losing My Religion and the lyrics are so much of my testimony and the decisions I have made when I realized a relationship with Jesus Christ was more important than the religion I had followed all of those years prior.

LOSING MY RELIGION

I've been an actor on a stage
Playing a role I have to play
I'm getting tired, it's safe to say
Living behind a masquerade

No more performing out of fear
I'm trying to keep my conscience clear
It all seems so insincere
I'd trade it all to meet You here

I'm losing my religion
I'm losing my religion

Light a match and watch it burn
But to Your heart, I will return
No one could love me like You do, no-no-no-no, no-no
So why would I want a substitute

I'm losing my religion
I'm losing my religion
I'm losing my religion
I'm losing my religion
To find You

I'm losing my religion, and finding something new
'Cause I need something different, and different looks like You
I'm losing my religion, and finding something new
'Cause I need something different, and different looks like You

Oh, I'm losing my religion
I'm losing my religion
I'm losing my religion
I'm losing my religion
To find You, to find You
To find You, to find You

You

                                     ⒸLauren Daigle 

I was almost twenty years old and in business school when I officially gave my life to Christ, even though I had believed in God since I was a small child.  I knew of His existence and I prayed when I felt it was appropriate but I also felt that we had the free will to live as we desired and He would be okay with that as long as we didn't murder anyone.  Then I started hanging out with people who lived their lives pursuing Christ and seeming so content and I made the decision to hang out with them, ask questions, attend their churches and see what it was truly all about.  I joined a friend every Friday night at a young adult Christian group called Koinonia that was run by her cousin and cousin's husband.  I learned so much about what it meant to give our life to Christ and to live for Him.  I gave my life to Christ in June of 1998 when I joined some of them at the Creation Festival.  Immediately my life changed for the better and I could feel a sense of peace in my mind that had felt depression for so long.  It was wonderful.  

I continued attending the Catholic church I grew up in and also spent some Sundays joining friends in their churches.  I prayed daily and read the Bible.  I learned so much about what it meant to live for Christ and because of it I wanted to share this knowledge with others.  However, I wasn't the best when it came to witnessing.  My family didn't understand why I made the decision to officially leave the Catholic church and that was after taking a long time to prayer and seek God's will.  I just felt it was the best for me and I found another type of church that was more suitable for the life I was seeking.  My family saw me as being religious but, in fact, I was becoming the opposite.  I realized and believed that religion was unimportant and what I needed to focus on solely was having a relationship with Jesus.  The unfortunate thing was I had trouble putting into words why I felt the way I did.  I was harsh, rude, and judgemental.  Well, that's definitely not how to handle things as a Christian and I can see that now.  I wish I knew better then.  

Religion is the rules and regulations made by the church, most of which is from Biblical principles.  Religion is when you are told you must do things this way and that way.  Although, having a church to attend is important and following Bible-based rules is important I've come to learn that the personal relationship with Jesus is what needs to be focused on the most.  Seeking Him in prayer and conversation whenever possible.  Looking to Him during the good and the bad.  Allowing Him to be the center of my marriage and in my parenting.  Allowing Him to make the decisions of my life.  When I feel tempted I can say God would not be happy with that rather than saying my church would not be happy with that.  I am not religious.  I'm just a sinner in need of a Savior and yes there's a difference.  

I wanted to take a moment to clarify what it means to be religious vs. having a relationship and I wanted to share a bit about my belief in that.  I also wanted to say that my actions and how I handled conversations in the past is definitely something I regret wholeheartedly.  I don't want my family, friends and strangers to see me as the bitter Christian.  Christians already have a bad reputation.  Instead, I want people to see me as someone who has messed up but is changing every day.  Someone who can smile, show warmth and kindness to all.  I still mess up and I still have thoughts in my head I wish weren't there.  As I stated in another post, I'm a work in progress.  Always.  If I can apologize to everyone who I showed bitterness to I want to do that now and then I want to move forward as a new creation.  

There have also been people who have put me down for my belief and I'm okay with that.  It's a personal relationship with Someone I have felt a connection to.  I've had prayers that were answered.  I've felt Him close to me many times.  It might seem silly to those who don't quite understand and I want to help people to understand.  Some people don't understand and don't believe because they haven't allowed that relationship to happen for themselves.  You can't expect God to do work in your life if you won't let Him in.  I'm telling you, it's worth it.  Also when you can live your life seeking Him and His will so much good falls into place.  It doesn't make life perfect, trust me, mine is far from it; however, it does help justify why things happen the way they do.  It has given me so much peace and understanding through the bad times and I'm able to work through life so much better.  It's nice to know that  when things seem hard or when I'm going through something I don't understand there's Someone there that can see the entire picture and has a plan and purpose for it all.

When time allows, I would love to sit here and blog more about my journey as a Christian and all the wonderful things I've learned from it.  

Always Changing

I've been in this life for 40 years.  That's 40 years of mistakes, wrong choices and a lot of learning.  I'm still learning.  I will keep on learning.  I've also done a lot of changing.  Who I was twenty years ago is not the person I am today.  I'm even different from the person I was ONE year ago.  I can't tell you the number of times I've looked back and thought wow what was I thinking?

I'm also a woman of faith and have taken so many of my concerns to God.  In the last few years I've been very consistent in praying for God to change my heart and He's constantly working with me on doing just that.  The changes are already taking place.  Having once been someone who could have so easily lashed out on someone for saying something to make me mad has now been replaced with a subtle giggle and my feet leading me away from the situation.  When I used to be so sensitive to the opinions of others I'm now finding myself caring less.

I used to spend my time posting a lot of controversial things on my Facebook page.  It was only when certain political or news topics came up and a lot of people were posting about it.  I decided to share my two cents for a few reasons: one, I wanted those who share the same views as me to see that they aren't alone and two, I wanted those on the opposing side to see a different point of view.  Even though social media has become such a great platform to share thoughts on certain matters I've realized that it's just not worth it.  Are people really listening anyway?  I can say that anytime I log onto Facebook, Twitter or Instagram I become annoyed whenever someone is sharing a political thought or a current news story.  Social media should be fun.  If I'm having a stressful day I want a place to go to for a moment where I can escape reality and cheer up for a bit.  I took a few breaks here and there from Facebook and came back with a much different attitude.  Unless it's an update about my life or something positive, I'm not posting it.  It's the same as if I don't have anything nice to say I'm not saying it.

I also realize that we all come from different backgrounds, families and experiences.  What I feel is right may not be what someone else feels is right and that's okay.  Someone may be making some really bad choices and we naturally feel quick to want to judge them - but remember - we all mess up at one time or another.  God doesn't judge one sin worse than the other.  I also believe we all have the ability to change.  If we mess up, as Christians we know we can go to God and ask for forgiveness.  Once he forgives us we are washed clean of it and can move on to better ourselves.  At that point what we had once done doesn't matter anymore.

Why am I writing all of this?  Because I'm tired of being judged by others in regards to who I used to be.  I recently was being insulted (and maybe he meant it jokingly but I still get tired of it) on the kind of person I was eighteen years ago.  He brought up things that really didn't matter anymore and this particular person seems to want to do that every time I see him.  Trust me when I say, I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to beating myself up over all the things I've done.  I do not need a reminder from others.  Besides, I'm not that person anymore.  I'm not perfect now but I'm so much better than what I used to be.  I'm still maturing, still growing, and still learning.

During a time when these people were talking very rudely about me (mostly behind my back but I heard about it) I felt very hurt and confused.  Then my husband said something that I try to implement now, "If they don't live here with us then their opinion doesn't matter."  Truly, that's so important to realize.  If you aren't with me every single day then you have no right to judge how I live my life.  If you don't know the battles I'm fighting in my head and what God is working with me on then you have no right to judge the kind of person I am - even my husband doesn't know what I pray about and we share the same bed.

I'm a work in progress so please respect that and don't continue to hold me accountable for the person I was yesterday.  I'm learning not to judge others too.

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come." -- 2 Corinthians 5:17