My son and I ventured early Saturday morning with some of the boy scouts to do a 10-mile hike. I was feeling confident it wouldn't be as difficult as the 20-mile one we did last spring but I was wrong. This hike was in a different area with a tougher terrain than the longer hike. Walking up and down a rocky path was hard on my feet as well as my left knee. I'm still feeling it. I was happy to join on the hike, especially knowing these hikes would be impossible for my husband to do for physical reasons. It was just disappointing to be the only mother along, most fathers weren't there either, just two. He has two more 10-mile and a 15-mile to complete the hiking merit badge but I'm afraid he'll be on his own for those. It's the next day and my body is still aching.
We took a few short breaks and stopped at 5-miles for a lunch break. I listened as the boys went on and on about video games, history, and football. All things that are of interest to my son but that boy didn't say one word the entire time. He didn't even speak to me when I talked to him.
I don't know why, but Matthew has never been one to join in on conversations with others. He seems to have anxiety when being around people. Even lately, when my father asks him a question he will look at me with this fear in his face. In school he will raise his hand and answer questions and I think he's starting to speak up to his teachers when something is wrong. He also seems to communicate fine with kids younger than him. He's small for his age and he also has a speech problem so I wonder if that's his reasoning for not being sociable. At home he goes on and on and on and I think he's quite funny and very smart. I don't think anyone would have a problem listening to him talk but he's just afraid to. This is something I've noticed since he was in preschool but as he's older it seems to be worse and more noticeable.
I love this kid! He's smart and has such an interest in history. Last night he requested that we watch The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. He's also excellent in math as well as talented with sports and music. I'm so glad he's the kind of teen who still wants to hang out with his parents and is not one to join in with the crowd. As I'm typing this he's on his laptop reading out loud all of these unusual and interesting facts. I am truly proud of him and I know whatever it is he decides to do with his future he's going to excel at. I just worry so much about his social anxiety and how stressed he makes himself. When school was back to in person after the Covid shut down he was starting at a new building, the middle school. It's when masks were required. It really frustrated him and he was having a hard time wearing a mask and adjusting to the changes. There was also a problem with his work on the iPad going to the teachers'. That's when both the migraines and eye tics started. Now he gets himself so worked up in the morning before school knowing that the loud classes are going to give him headaches. Then he gets them. That's not to say these migraines don't start on their own. Once in awhile, on a weekend, we'll be home hanging out and he'll dim the lights and tell us to keep it down as he buries his head in the pillow. I often show my frustration but it's not at him, he can't help it, it's because as a mother it's so difficult watching as he's going through something I can't magically fix. I cry out to God most mornings asking to bring him relief and I wonder if He's listening. Matthew gets frustrated, believing no one understands what he's going through and yet he doesn't know how much I cry and plead with God over him. I don't understand why people, especially children, have to go through pain. The hardest thing is not understanding why my child has to suffer.
I worry so much about him. I want him to enjoy his life and I want him to have a successful future. He's my son, the one who made me a mother. The one who taught me that love at first sight is real. The precious baby I spent many nights trying to get to sleep and many days at home playing with and watching him learn new things is now experiencing pain. Also, seeing how he has developed a serous anxiety when it comes to socializing. He's a good young man who was given this life with a purpose. Maybe his current suffering will be something he can utilize in the future. There are reasons why God allows pain, reasons we may not be able to see in the moment. I understand that, but still, it's difficult when it's your child.
I don't always make the best effort when it comes to helping him. I wonder if I should take him to a different neurologist for a second opinion on how to help, or try cognitive therapy as suggested by his current one. Do I pull the plug on this idea that sending him to in person school is best and transfer him back to the online charter school he was doing the last few years? His father and my father have been fussing about the importance of keeping him in person so he learns those social skills but if he hasn't learned them yet and if he continues with these migraines and eye tics maybe learning from the comfort of his home in silence would be of benefit. I can't seem to get his father to agree and that causes anxiety for me.
God, heal my son and give me strength and wisdom as we decide what is best and how to help! I love that boy more than he'll ever know.
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