Rare Disease Day

 I actually did a post about this last month but since today is Rare Disease Day why not a little recap. 

Basal Cell Nevus Syndrome.   That's my rare disease.  

My face and parts of my body have scars from surgery.   My face and chest have newly skin cancer spots.  I've been scraped and burned by the dermatologist more times than I remember.   

I'm grateful it's not something much worse.  Just irritating.  Just ruining my vanity.  

A Little Up, A Little Down

 Have you had a chance to see Jupiter and Venus over the last few weeks?  As a child astronomy was something I found fascinating.   

The weather in my part of the world has been up and down.  One day it's cold and the next day it's warm enough to put on a pair of shorts.  Then the next day it's cold with some snow flakes.  

We even took the bird outside for some fresh air.  In his cage, of course.   That bird loves my daughter.   He watches her, sings to her and squeals very loudly when she cries.  

Mother Nature has been very indecisive lately.  She's not the only one.  I've been finding myself in a state of confusion when it comes to just about anything.   My mood has definitely been up and down.  I'm crying easily and often.  I'm irritable more than usual.  I'm falling into constant frustration.   I've been wondering if perimenopause is coming into play.  My monthly cycle has been wonky lately, too.  I'm also frustrated lately because the kids aren't listening and I feel like a broken record.  My husband has become too preoccupied in his own things and has become distant in trying to understand why I'm so miserable.   Maybe I'm experiencing a mid-life crisis that's come just 6 years in advanced?  Or maybe I've been bombarded with so many decisions and not knowing what direction to go.  

It's not all bad.  My kids generally are good.  I'm grateful for who they are. My job has its frustrations but it's a job I'm grateful for.  My marriage could use some strengthening but it could be so much worse and I'm thankful for the work my husband puts into it.  My house never seems clean enough but it keeps us warm on these cold days.  I might have to remind my kids to clean their rooms and take out the trash but they are still willing to hang out with their parents and don't run with the bad crowd.  Life is all about the ups and downs.  

Speaking about going down my son took advantage of his free ski lessons today.  The perks of working at a ski resort.  He had fun and did well.  I caught a little bit of it.  I'm proud of him for trying something new.  

You'll never see this unadventerous mama doing this.  But I respect those that love the thrill.  

Just Some Saturday Evening Ramblings

 As each day passes I find myself crying less but I still miss my old pug.  I am a huge animal lover and my pets instantly become family.  When I come home from work it hits me that he's not there to greet me at the top of the stairs.  If I'm sitting on the couch I get this urge to bring him up with me so we can snuggle.  If I'm eating food I expect to see him begging at my feet.  The house has an eerie emptiness now.  We agreed to wait until summer before talking about getting another dog.  My heart is not ready yet.  I feel guilty just thinking about it.  

This time of grief also had me thinking of the four dogs I had before.  Those were all boston terriers.  This was my first pug.  Time with dogs is so precious and short.  If you have a dog(s) take a moment to hold them and realize that they are only in your life for a short time.  

Today, I took the cushions off the couch and gave them a washing, same with the pillows.  My husband surprised me with a new washing machine and that was something needed.  After a full day of dance my daughter went to a friend's house to spend the night.  My son is here playing his video games and maybe we'll watch a movie later.  Tomorrow my parents are planning to come over for a little bit and we'll watch the Superbowl.  Living in Pennsylvania I'm surrounded by Eagles fans.  I couldn't care less for that team.  I'm not even much of a sports fan but my boys will want to watch the game.   

Oh, and we started watching the 4th season of You on Netflix last night.  We only got through a few episodes and it's good.  

The weather has been unseasonably warm and I'm really enjoying it, although it's been awhile since I went for a walk around the neighborhood.  Maybe I'll start running again.  I hate running.  I can't seem to figure out the whole breathing thing and my legs give up after a short time.  But I love the idea of running.  My son suggested we run a 5K together sometime.  That had been an unaccomplished goal of mine several years ago.  It's never too late, right?  

I hope you all enjoy the rest of the weekend.  February is already flying by.  

The Hardest Goodbye

 

It's been a very sad week.  I was going to take some time before coming on here but here I am.  On Monday we said goodbye to our furry friend Murphy.  He was my baby.  My snuggle pug.  This has been hard on all of us.

Almost five years ago this guy came to us unexpectedly thanks to friends of ours who had been fostering him while looking for his owners.  After a month of searching it had been clear he was abandoned.  They weren't able to keep him and I jumped at the offer of taking him.  My husband always said he would love a black pug.  Already an adult dog we knew there wouldn't be many years with him but cancer took him sooner than we had imagined.  He lost bladder control around Christmastime and was taking medicine for it.  The vet said if the meds didn't work she would suggest an ultrasound to check for cancer.  Then the unexpected happened.  Last Wednesday my son called me from work to tell me the dog fell and was crying.  I rushed home and called the vet.  It was a different doctor this time and after checking and doing an x-ray was certain he had seen cancer in his spleen.  It was possible the cancer had spread but there was no determining it unless we had the ultrasound, something we decided to skip.  With the loss of bladder control and now his back legs we knew we needed to make a decision and fast.  He prescribed pain medicine so we could have a few more days with him.  It was devastating.  My daughter was especially upset.  I couldn't stop crying.   We spent the weekend snuggling with him and spoiling him with plenty of good food.  I kept asking God if this was the right thing to do.  On his final day it was clear he was struggling in pain and it helped confirm what needed to be done.  

I wanted to be with him in the room as he passed.  Since he had been abandoned I didn't want him to feel I had abandoned him too.  I was surprised my husband wanted to stay as well.  We gave the kids the option and they wanted to be there.  They put us in a small room with candles and soft music.  He went in peace as we were petting and loving on him.  

As soon as we got home I had the urge to run back to the vet and get him.  I just wanted to feel him again.  The house feels so empty without him.  I keep looking for him.  Last evening I was home alone and grabbed onto his pillow and cried out loud.  Who knew the loss of a dog could hurt so much?  I mean, I've done this four other times before and those were hard times but this one felt different.  

I was doing pretty good today until I came home and didn't see him.  Then I began to cry again.  He used to beg at my feet whenever I was eating something and now it's difficult when I grab a snack or eat a meal.  It's quiet now.  We still have his stuff around the house because I'm not ready to let it all go yet.  

We didn't make it to five years with him but we all got attached to him quickly.

I'll miss you forever, Murphy.  I hope we were enough for you.  

This was right after we got him.  My kids were in 1st and 4th grade.