This little boy. The one who I spent hours playing with, napping with, snuggling with. Always wanting me to hold him. Constantly running to me with hugs and telling me he loves me. I remember the first time he said he loved me. I was sitting on that same ugly green couch pictured below and he jumped into my arms and said, "I love you!" in his little toddler voice.
Oh, how I miss that little boy. My heart aches every day wanting that little boy back.
He's still with me but now as a teen, and boy, these teenage years are difficult. He'll sometimes reach out for a quick hug but if I hug him or give him a kiss he'll pull back. It's been a very long time since he's said he loves me. When I ask him how his day was I only get a one word answer. "Good." He spends a lot of time in his room, just as I did in my teenage years.
He's still willing to spend time with me and I do soak in those moments. I just feel we are disconnecting from what it used to be.
Just when I had things figured out on how to raise a little boy I'm struggling to figure out how to raise a teenage boy. It's probably the most difficult phase yet. Although, I am grateful it's not as bad as it could be. He still tells me things. Sometimes. He's not running with a bad crowd. He still devotes himself to getting good grades, working hard in baseball and scouts, and was willing to get a job on his own so he could save money. But when we ask him to do some chores or even get a shower it takes a lot to get him to move and it's not done without a sigh or complaint. We allowed him to have a cell phone and now that thing is attached to him at all times. He's also developed quite an attitude when things don't go his way.
I've spent these last few years feeling so irritated when it came to his development into adolescence. Emotionally I just wasn't ready. I'm still not. The urge to have kept that baby boy is still there, although I know kids grow up. He grew up. Instead of dwelling on what was I need to come to terms with what is. I have a teenage boy. A fifteen year old. In just one year he might be driving. In three years he'll be graduating high school as an eighteen year old. Time is ticking away. As a parent it's my job to prepare him for that life ahead. Teaching him how to be an independent, self-sufficient adult. I also can't expect that he's going to have it all figured out NOW. He doesn't, and neither do I. There's so much I need to realize while raising a teen. I need to learn patience. I need to be understanding and show as much empathy as possible. I also need to understand that he may not want to talk my ear off with all the things that's going on in his life anymore. Maybe he wants to save those conversations for friends. But when he is ready to talk to me, I'll be right here waiting. I also need to understand he needs his space. He also needs to know he is valued by me. That even though life is confusing in this stage and the future might feel uncertain, that I'm going to be right there with him to figure it all out. I need to show compassion and give him grace when he messes up. There is so much more, too.
So, I'm going to accept this stage we are in and continue to love him through it all. In the good and bad of every season, I love him always.
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