Missing The Baby Stage

Parenting was so much easier when my children were babies and toddlers.  Of course, it didn't feel very easy then.  Getting up all hours of the night, dealing with the fussiness and crying, having to hold them as I tried to clean because they refused to be put down.  I remember those days feeling so long and exhausting but now I would love to go back. 

They were so tiny and delicate then.   What made this stage the easiest was the fact they they were too young to walk, talk back, and be away from me.  I worked a full-time office job until the oldest was born and then I became a stay-at-home mom.  What an amazing journey it's been and one I'm so thankful for.   Being the full-time caregiver to my children was so important to me and my husband.  It wasn't easy, especially financially.  We had to make a lot of sacrifices and there were days when we weren't sure if the bills would get paid on time, but somehow, it worked out.  God always looked out for us.

 Now the kids are only 7 and 11 and I know that's still very young.  They are both elementary school age and both still constantly tell me how much they love me and greet me with hugs and kisses.  They still play with toys and love spending time with me.  The hard part is having to send them to school.  It's those 7 hours I don't know what they are doing and if they are okay, minus the 20 minutes during school time I get to see them at lunch in the cafeteria.  They also have friends that invite them over and I let them go.  Sending them off to someone else's house is hard.  When they were babies I would get together with my friends and their kids.  Now that they are in school they are making their own friends and these friends ask if they can come over.  Of course, I must meet the parents first and if I feel comfortable enough I'll let them have those play dates.  Putting my trust in other adults to watch my kids is not something I'm used to.  I always loved playing with friends when I was a kid and I want them to have friendships too.

They are also involved in after school activities.  My son plays baseball and is in the scouts.  My daughter takes dance classes.  I want them to be active and I enjoy being their biggest fan.

The thing is, lately I've been thinking about how these years are going by so fast and this time I have with them as young children will fade away pretty quickly.  In only a few years my oldest will be a teenager.  Yikes, I'm not ready for it.  My heart feels so heavy whenever I think about the teenage years.  I'm not ready for it.  Is any parent ever ready for it, though?  Every time my son gives me a hug and pulls me down so he can kiss my cheek I realize it won't be long before he stops doing that.  So I'm embracing it and I'm loving it.  I wish I could keep my kids small forever.  I wish I could keep them at home with me all the time so I know they are always safe.  However, ...

They are not mine to keep.  My job as a parent is to make sure I raise them to be independent, self-sufficient adults.  I won't always be around so they have to learn what exactly to do with life on their own.  As challenging as it is I always try to have them do the things they can do for themselves.  They are individuals who belong to God and are only given to me temporarily as their earthly parent.  I have such a huge responsibility in providing for them, loving them, and educating them.  Parenting is the biggest responsibility, the craziest challenge, and the greatest blessing.  I'm so lucky to have these two in my life.  I just wish time would slow down just a bit. 

 

New Year ... New Me?

It's a new year and a time where I should feel motivated to start things over again.  To discover a new me and set some new goals and challenges for myself.  I look at my naked body in the mirror and see fat rolls that shouldn't be there.  I stepped on the scale this morning and saw more pounds added since the last time I checked.  You can say it was from the holidays but honestly it's because of habits I've endured in the entire year.  I was doing so well with healthy eating and exercise but suddenly became so lazy with it.  I gave up.  I didn't want to give up but I did.  I kept telling myself I'd get back into it the next day but those days turned into weeks and months.  Suddenly, there I was looking at my reflection with disgust. 

It's time to get back into the routine of doing what's right.  My determination to live a healthier lifestyle isn't so much about vanity but about survival.  I spent years watching as my mother's health slowly declined and even when becoming a diabetic she still continued to lay around the house and stuff her face with junk.  I know she had no self control and even struggled with some demons but the moment I watched as she lay almost lifeless in the hospital bed after having a stroke I knew I couldn't let myself get into this condition.  I was already living a life that wasn't so active and wasn't so healthy.  I immediately changed.  I was doing great.  People were commenting on how skinny I was getting.  I worked out every day.  I was motivated and determined and I was succeeding.  Then somewhere down the line I just stopped.  Isn't that so typical of us?  I see this with a lot of people.  They start on a great work out routine and then suddenly stop.  Life gets in the way and we struggle to find the time.  Then, since we got out of the habit, we lose motivation. 

I want that motivation again.  I want that determination.  I want the healthy lifestyle.  Not just because it's a fresh start to the year.  Because I'm 40 years old and I need to change.  I need this physical change and I need a mental change.  There are things in my heart and in my mind that I want gone and I spent a good part of my morning praying to God to help me change my heart and mind to how He sees fit.  I'll get there.  I've already come so far.  I just need to keep myself there.  One day at a time. 

2019 you're going to be a good year!  I'll make sure of it.