Good Daughter

 

In November my father had to have three skin cancer spots removed and found out he has Basal Cell Nevus Syndrome, just like me.  It's genetic and, of course, he is who I got it from but I was the first to know.  In those three appointments I took off work to stay with my mom.  Between never having fully recovered from the stroke 10 years ago and now in mid-stage alzheimers it's a very difficult thing to deal with.   I love spending time with her but it's definitely not the life any of us want for her.  

In the last week my dad ended up in the ER three times because of a swollen prostate.  He has a catheter and a Foley bag because he can't pee on his own.  At some point very soon he will be in the hospital having surgery, which means I'll he spending a few nights with my mom.  It's not going to be easy but there isn't any other choice for me.  

Some people have said to me that I'm such a good daughter for taking care of them but I really hate hearing it.  It's not my choice to jump in the car and rush to their rescue when need be.  Just like it wasn't my choice to move out of NY and to PA at the age of 14, leaving all other family members and friends.  My brother moved here and went back.  My aunt moved here and went back.  I had my chance after graduating college but I felt obligated to stay.  It took many years for me to find peace in the move and even though things are pretty good now, I'm still not completely happy.  It wasn't fair what I was put through then and it's not fair what I'm put through now.  Am I a good daughter?  No, I'm an obligated daughter.  I'm a stressed out daughter.  I'm a I-need-to-help-them-because-I'm-the-only-one-here daughter.  Of course, I'm willing to do so but it's not easy, especially when I have a job and kids to care for.  Life can be unfair but it is what it is.  

I'm currently mentally exhausted at just the thought of it all.