Christmas Has Come And Gone

Christmas has come and gone.  It's December 29th and my tree and all the decorations are still displayed and will be until after the new year.  It seems a lot of people rush to take it all down but I like to enjoy it just a little bit longer.

Our Christmas was very laid back and enjoyable.  We exchanged gifts with my parents last Saturday before they headed to New York to visit family.  My mother-in-law came on Christmas Eve to exchange gifts and enjoy a ham dinner with us.  She also joined us for Christmas Eve service at our church and the night ended with the kids eager to get to bed.  Both of my kids still believe in Santa and they were excited to wake up on Christmas morning to see their new legos from Santa and many other wrapped gifts from us.  We tore into the gifts and spent the day playing with the new toys.  I purchased one of those big tool boxes for my husband, something I've been wanting to get for him for a long time.  It seems I always have trouble getting into the Christmas spirit until it's actually Christmas and then I don't want it to end.  That evening we went to my father-in-law's house for dinner and gift exchange.  The rest of the week has been relaxing.  The kids have been playing with their new toys.  A few days ago my dad called and said he wanted the kids to spend a few nights with them.  This gave me a chance to clean the house, relax and enjoy a nice Olive Garden dinner with my husband last night.  I also enjoyed sleeping in and having an uninterrupted morning of sipping coffee and getting things done.  I do miss them though and can't wait to see them later.  They love spending time with the grandparents and those will be memories they can hold onto forever.

Now we prepare to soon ring in another new year.  I feel like we just welcomed 2018 and now comes 2019.  Time FLIES!   I'm not sure what the new year will bring but I will be taking it one day at a time.  I decided my 2019 mantra will be "Less Is More."  We have a house filled with so much clutter.  Toys, clothes, stuff ... everywhere.  We hardly have the space for it and a messy house gives me such anxiety.  We have so much stuff and don't use most of it so why hold onto it?  So, I will be going through each room of the house and purging as much as possible.  Yesterday I started on my daughter's bedroom and it took three trash bags to make it look so much better.  That girl likes holding onto a lot of junk.  My little hoarder.  No more.

So, if you're reading this I hope you had a wonderful Christmas, or Hanukkah if that's what you celebrate, and I hope that 2019 is an amazing year filled with blessings!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from my home to yours!

Holiday Season, Birthday, Ballet, and Seasonal Depression

It's that time of year again - the temperature is dropping and the air is colder.  Christmas music is playing on the radio, we've decorated the house, and finishing up on the gift shopping. 

We recently purchased that electric fireplace television stand and it's been a great addition to the house.  I always enjoy the comfort of being warm. 

My son celebrated his 11th birthday last month and it makes me wonder why time has to go by so fast.  He has accomplished so much already in just 11 years and I couldn't be more prouder.  Being in the cub scouts has given him the opportunity to experience many things and is helping him to grow to be the man he will one day become.  I just hope the years ahead don't fly by as fast as these last 11 years did, but it will, so I'm embracing every moment.  Every year we ask the kids what they would like to do for their birthday, either a party or go somewhere fun.  This year he picked dinner at a buffet and bowling.  It was a fun, family day.  Tomorrow we watch as he performs with the other 5th and 6th graders in band in the school's Christmas band and chorus concert.  Our boy does well in everything he tries. 

My daughter has been busy with dance classes.  Not only is she taking her three classes each week but she's been spending extra time rehearsing for two different shows for Christmas.  Last week she joined Moscow Ballet Great Russian Nutcracker as a snowflake.  Moscow Ballet offers a great program where they travel the country and allow young dancers to audition and dance with them on stage.  This was a thrilling time for our little dancer.  She had so much fun.  She was able to take the day off from school while she rehearsed and hung out with her dance friends.  Then in the evening was the performance and it was great.  Watching as our daughter was on stage with professional dancers who come from different parts of the world, how cool is that?  She talks about being a professional dancer so this gave her just a glimpse of what that will be like.  These photos, except for the last one, are from Moscow Ballet. 

Her next Christmas show is this Saturday.  Then, hopefully, things will slightly slow down. 

I actually do not mind when things get busy.  When life is busy my body is moving and my mind is occupied.  That's what I need, especially through the winter months.  This is the time of year when I can feel myself fall into depression.  Depression is something that is a constant battle for me but the colder season brings it on much worse.  I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning and all I can think about is wanting more sleep -- but I get up.  It might take a little more time and energy but I do get up.  I go through the motions of getting my kids ready for school, doing the housework, sometimes volunteering in my daughter's classroom, working in the cafeteria, grocery shop, more housecleaning, playing with the kids, taking them to wherever they need to go, etc., but getting through all of that, as much as I enjoy it, is often a struggle to get me motivated to do so.  It requires a lot of pushing but I get there.  I have to.  This morning I kept thinking of how I didn't want to go into school to volunteer but when I went in and hung out with the kids it made me feel so much better and I enjoyed how much they made me laugh.  It's the same when I work in the cafeteria.  Those kids really help cheer me up and it's three hours where I get to be out of the house.  I joke around a lot with my coworkers and I've learned that joking around, even if they are stupid jokes, is what helps me to cover up any negative thoughts that may try to pop into my head.  People often say that we need to take life one day at a time but with someone suffering depression the only thing that works is taking it one moment at a time.  I push through the day the best I can but by the end of the night after the kids have been tucked in I feel physically and emotionally done, I felt that way last night.  When I tell people I do not like the winter it seems to be something they can't understand.  There is a thing called Season Depression or Winter Blues.  It's a battle that takes strength to fight it. 

Yes, I'll Cry

I just came across this poem and it hits home for me. I spent the last two days with my mom and it was heartbreaking. She stumbles on her thoughts, can't finish a sentence because she forgets what she was saying, she stops whatever she's doing and spaces out. Her long term memory is still there but she can't remember what happened the day before. My dad deals with being the caregiver 24/7 while feeling hopeless and frustrated. It's awful. Knowing the woman who brought me into the world will someday forget who I am is the absolute worse experience of my life. 

People have told me I should never feel hatred for anything but I do. I hate Alzheimer's. It's a cruel disease with no cure and no survivors and it's slowly taking away my mother.

People often ask me how she's doing and I get lost in knowing what to say because every day is a new challenge. She's struggling. What else is there to say? I've appreciated the support from those who have experienced this, and all the prayers - it helps.

Life In The Garden

One of the many things I enjoy in summer is planting and maintaining a garden.  I didn't have much of a green thumb until my father came over a few years ago and shared in his knowledge of planting.  He always enjoyed gardening and what's better than having fresh fruits and vegetables all summer long?  I spent the entire morning doing yard work, which including pulling a massive amount of weeds.  If there's one thing I haven't learned it's how to keep those annoying weeds from taking over.  However, spending time in the dirt definitely gave me a chance to have some peace under the burning sunshine and there's something breathtaking about that.  I also discovered that life is starting to bloom.

I can't wait until these tomatoes, peppers and everything else that's planted is ready to pick and enjoy.  I add the tomatoes and peppers to my homemade tomato sauce.  This year I am growing jalapenos, which is one of my husband's favorites.  I'm sure he'll be the only one sinking his teeth into those.

A garden is so much like life.  You've got the bad (the weeds) and the good (the fruits and veggies).  Sometimes we have to mess through the bad before getting to the good.  The digging, the getting messy in dirt, and the pulling weeds is so time consuming but the reward in the end is the best ... and delicious.  I've had a chance to think about a lot while working in the garden today.  I tried having a peaceful conversation with God and just enjoying the moment but I could definitely feel the devil try to seep in.  I started thinking a lot about the past and the mistakes I've made along the way.  The "should of" "could have" "would have" kept coming to mind.  I should have done this when this particular thing happened.  I should not have handled this situation the way I did.  I wish I would have said this to that person when I had the chance.  Those thoughts.  Have you ever had those thoughts?  With those thoughts comes a feeling of depression; something typical for me and maybe the reason why I have those thoughts.  While I was pulling weeds I was going through so many negative thoughts in my head.  Then I spotted the vegetables and fruit starting to grow in the garden and it made me realize that even with the bad comes the good.  I may not have made some good choices in my life but it all lead me to where I am today.  I may have reasons in my life to feel sorrow but I have plenty of reasons to be thankful.  I'm going to try and focus on the many things that are good and bring me joy.  Like these vegetables and fruit that will soon fill the bellies of me and my family.  Life is good. 

Weird

"Why fit in when you were born to stand out?" -- Dr. Seuss 

The other day someone called me "weird" as if it's a bad thing.  I try not to take the words of others personally and I realize there is truth in the fact that, yes, I am weird.  I've never been someone who wanted to fit in with others.  I always found myself hanging out with people who were also judged as weird and some who were even considered total "outcasts."  That's just who I was.  I enjoy people who are true and genuine, not people who pretend to be something they aren't just so they can be accepted by other people who are pretending to be something they aren't.  If that makes us weird then that's okay, embrace it.  Weird is good.  Normal is boring.

I realize that those who judge me are those who have never taken the time to get to know me.  They don't understand the emotional pain and suffering I have gone through during many years of my life.  The weirdness, the lack of desire to be accepted, the dumb jokes I make, the standing up for things I believe in are just some of the ways I have learned how to cope with my depression.   I also suffer with social anxiety and that makes being in public and around people too difficult to be normal. 

I always tell my kids that you never know what someone else is going through so just be nice.  Even those that seem really put together and happy may be battling something we know nothing about.  So the next time you want to call someone weird, or make any sort of judgement at all ... take the time to get to know them.  Or, just don't say anything at all.  Ever.

Size Doesn't Matter

"Though she be but little, she is fierce" -- William Shakespeare

With a 5'3" mother and a 5'6" father it was no surprise when bringing small statured children into the world.  To be honest, I love them that way and I want them to love it too.  It's not easy to help them feel that their height is normal and okay when they are constantly hearing comments like, "you are the size of a kindergartner (in 4th grade)" and "when are you going to grow?" I don't understand how comments such as these wouldn't constitute as bullying.  It is bullying and because my kids hear these comments it adds a bit more of a challenge to parenting.  I am constantly having conversations with them on what makes being short so wonderful so they understand that it's okay.  I shouldn't have to tell my kids these things.  They should be able to look at themselves as being normal and natural but they don't because of what others say. 

It's wrong to call someone "fat" so why isn't the same applied for referring to someone as "skinny" or "short."  In most cases weight can be controlled but your height is simply just genetic and nothing can be done to change that.  My children are designed as God wants them to be.

We have taught our kids that size doesn't matter and they can do whatever it is they want.  Some things they will have to try a little harder at but they can succeed like anyone else.  I watch how much effort my son puts on the ball field and he is amazing.  I see how graceful my daughter is on stage and she's amazing.  What does size have to do with anything?  Everyone is capable of reaching for the stars ... even if you have to reach a little higher.

Summer Vacation Is Here!

It's been awhile since I found myself being able to take a moment for the blogging world.  I'm sorry for that.  Time moves on fast and life gets busier by the day.  We have now entered into summer vacation, baseball season is ending and my daughter is preparing for her third dance recital.  I sort of enjoyed my first year as a cafeteria lady and it was a wonderful thing to be able to help fill the gaps with my paycheck but let me be honest - I'm thankful for the break.  Stepping away from all the gossip, judgement and bullying by grown ups and having an entire day where I can do whatever I choose is refreshing.  I will be back in the fall but until then I'm going to try and make this summer break worthwhile.

The school year brings us so much chaos and a hectic schedule.  The kids spend their days at school and when I'm not doing my three hours at work I'm at home trying to keep this house in some kind of order.  My husband works a full-time job and when he gets home there's one day a week he's rushing to cub scouts with our son or to baseball practice or a game.  Then I'm off to rush our daughter to dance and this year she took two classes.  My husband will still be working in the summer but I look forward to having the evenings and weekends free from scheduled events and more for relaxing and enjoying one another.

We love sitting outside by the fire just as the sun is going down.  It's a time when we can all be together and relax.   I'm looking forward to many fun adventures and also those moments when we can lay back and enjoy some peace. 

IT'S SPRINGTIME ... I Think?

Although I appreciate living in a state that captures all four seasons winter is not my favorite.  In fact, the cold, dreary days puts me in a deep depression.  However, this year I managed to survive with very little complaining about it.  We are now into the second day of spring.  Spring is a time when you see a little bit of rain and the blossoming of beautiful flowers.  This is what the start of our spring looks like.

Have you ever heard the expression "Spring comes in like a lion and out like a lamb?"  Well, this is a snowy lion.  On the first day of the season we were greeted with a big snow storm.  It started snowing shortly after the kids went to school and thankfully an early dismissal was already scheduled for the day.  I almost put in my three hours of work in the cafeteria and then took the kids home where we stayed for the rest of the evening.  Snow continued to fall all night and into the morning.  It's still falling.  We probably have about 9" and more is expected until tonight.  School and my husband's work was closed today so we all have been enjoying a day at home.  Scouts was cancelled last night and I just received word that dance is cancelled for tonight as well. 

The kids have been in and out of the house.  My husband did some shoveling.  I stayed in and caught up on housework.  I do realize that getting anything accomplished isn't possible with the two little ones running around.  They both did a fantastic job at helping their Daddy shovel.  I think a reward for them is necessary.

Today is supposed to be the last day that Toys R Us will be open.  I can't believe it.  That was the toy store I grew up with and my father enjoyed bringing my kids there.  Now where will I go when it's time to spoil my grandchildren?  They say it's because so many kids prefer electronics but I personally think it's because Toys R Us prices are E X P E N S I V E!  "You can buy the same d--- thing on the Walmart shelf half price" -- Gretchen Wilson.

I really am thankful that we are in the spring season.  This means that we are entering a very busy time.  My daughter is preparing for her June dance recital, my son is finishing up a year of scouts and getting ready to start baseball, lots of activities and fun events are planned and maybe, just maybe, we will see sunshine and warm weather very soon.  I'm excited for what's to come.  Stay tuned.  

RAMBLINGS OF AN OVERTIRED MOMMA

It's definitely one of those days where a Snapchat filter is needed.  I wish I could really take this look around with me all day.  Today is a stay in sweats and wear no makeup kind of day.  My eyes also show the lack of sleep I've endured last night.

I just couldn't get to sleep and then at some point in the early morning my son started a coughing fit.  He had been coughing all day yesterday and even though he went to school I allowed him to miss cub scouts.  He said his throat hurt also.  We were expecting 2 - 6 inches of snow today and I was prepared for a school closing.  As I laid in the dark bedroom this morning I was waiting and expecting the phone to ring.  When there is a delay or closing the school calls about 5:30 am.  Once the alarm went off I figured that was a good indication that school was in session.  I got out of bed and looked out the window.  No snow.  Nothing.  Okay, meteorologists, you failed again.

I was really hoping for a snow day so my son could get away with not having to worry about an absence.   Although, I do not get paid for snow days but I do get paid sick time so this is a win for me.  My daughter went off to school and my boy has been laying around the couch all morning coughing like crazy.  What is going on?  I thought we were finally passed all of this.  I'm praying and crossing my fingers that this doesn't get passed onto my daughter but you know how it goes.  When one gets it the other one does too.  Ugh.

I put together beef stew in the crock pot for dinner and have been lounging around and doing nothing all day.  I could use my day off as an opportunity to get things done but I lack the energy to do so.  So, I've been taking this opportunity to think about the future and where I want to go from here in regards to career and finances.  My job in the cafeteria definitely helps fill the gap but I would really love to involve myself in something on top of that.  I've been taking the time to pray and contemplate what I could do while being able to be home when the kids are home.  I have a few things in mind but I'm taking my time to see which opportunity is better than the other.  Maybe I'm taking too much time. 

NO, YOU CAN'T COME OVER

 Recently I came across the blog post It's Never A Good Time To Let Kids In 
that talks about the importance of teaching your kids how to be hospitable and allowing their friends to come over.  I do believe in the importance of being hospitable but what if the kids are destructive maniacs?

I can remember having friends over and we would sit in my room and play with my toys and use our imaginations, but never did my friends break anything I owned and vice versa.  Having friends is important and I want my children to enjoy playtime with their friends.  I love entertaining children and seeing the world through their eyes.  Often my kids have friends come over and I set up some craft activity or watch as they play outside on the swing set.  Then there are friends that come over that think it's fine to jump on beds, climb my son's bunk bed, rip their fat head sticker off the wall, break toys and run through the house leaving trails of items all over the floor.  I may have made the mistake of just dealing with it silently and not worrying about telling the parents but now my kids are annoyed and have voiced their opinions that they do not want these certain kids at the house or in their bedrooms anymore.  So, what am I to do?

I have been adamant to teach my kids the importance of being hospitable.  I teach them that kindness and treating others as we want to be treated is important.  I teach them to be respectful towards others and other people's property. To always say please and thank you.  To love and honor their country.  To love others, even their enemies.  I expect them to clean up after themselves.  We set limits on screen time and there is to be no screen time when company is present.  After all I teach my children it's so difficult when other children, who do not have those same rules, come into my house and destroy everything.  The worst part is when the parents have no control over their children in the matter.  I see how these kids look at their parents and stick their tongue out and laugh when they are being disciplined.

I've come to the decision that these particular kids are no longer welcomed in my house, no matter how great of a relationship I have with their parents.  My husband and I have worked too hard to afford this house and everything in it.  I could always set up activities and consistently follow these children the entire time they are here but that's not always possible because of some distractions I may get caught up in.  So, if your kids are destructive, messy and disrespectful they can't come over. 

WHAT VALENTINES DAY MEANS TO ME

Valentines Day is quickly approaching, which means I'm going to see some Facebook posts from people stating their aggravation towards this "Hallmark made up holiday" and "we should be showing our love towards each other every day, not just one day of the year."  There are many legends about who St. Valentine was and why this holiday of love got started but I can tell you that these tales dated long before Hallmark first opened up its doors.  Yes, the card store does profit well in the month of February but it has nothing to do with the start of Valentines Day.

Valentines Day is not for everyone and I understand that.  Even those who have significant others find themselves uninterested in the day and that's okay. I only wish people could use their negative rants and energy on something more useful and allow those of us who love the day to be able to enjoy it without all the hate that's wrapped around it. 

I do remember what Valentines Day was like when I was single.  It was just another day.  Nothing more.  Even though I didn't have anyone to celebrate with I still appreciated the significance of the holiday.  One of those years my father presented me with white socks that had red outlined hearts all over them.  I loved it and still wear them every year.  What can I say, a father is a daughter's first true love. 

I can recall one particular Valentines Day 11 years ago when my husband and I were both off of work because of a terrible snow storm.  I was in the process of making a lasagna when the power went out and left us with no electricity for quite some time.  My son was born 40 weeks later.  That is when Valentines Day became more than just a day for me and my love.  I also use the day to spoil my children because, hey, I love them too!

 My husband and children definitely get plenty of love and attention from me throughout the entire year but I do enjoy spending a little money and time on them on the 14th of February.  Just like Christmas and birthdays, my children love receiving gifts and I enjoy seeing their faces light up when they open them.  It's usually small items like candy, a stuffed animal and maybe a book but it's my way of showing them just how much they mean to me.  I also get my husband some chocolate and something else too.  We all dress in red and I turn as many foods as I can into heart-shapes; such as pancakes, sandwiches, potato fries and cake.  The effort is something I am not capable of pulling off every day but my family sure does appreciate these bonuses.

Valentines Day is a good excuse to do something extra special and out of the ordinary for those I love. 

15 THINGS MARRIAGE HAS TAUGHT ME

Last spring my husband and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary.  I had posted this on my previous blog and it meant so much to him, so, I decided to transfer it here.

I'm not going to lie, there were times when I didn't think we were going to make it this far.  There were times when I questioned if this is really worth it.  Marriage is tough and our marriage has faced many challenges.  When we entered life as a married couple we had plans on how we were going to be committed to one another for the rest of our lives.  We didn't want our marriage to be 50/50.  We planned to give each other 100% of ourselves to the other.  In order to give yourself completely to your spouse takes a lot of work and I have failed in doing so many, many times.  Through all the hard times, even when I felt like it wasn't worth it, my husband was still completely devoted to making sure I was happy and that our marriage was going to last until one of us takes our last breath.  I want to be completely real here and admit that I am not perfect and, like any human, I have my own struggles.  But it's been good and it's been worth it.  I have grown so much from that 23 year old newlywed fifteen years ago.  I would love to share 15 things I have learned in these fifteen years. 

1.  THERE WILL BE TOUGH TIMES - When you first fall in love with someone everything seems to be so perfect and wonderful.  Those butterflies flutter around your stomach every time you look into his eyes and you consider yourself the luckiest woman in the world.  Then, eventually, the dopamine wears off and reality sets in.  Sure, you still love the guy but it's not quite like it was in the beginning.  You enter new expectations and challenges.  You see his flaws and you learn about each other's differences and sometimes those differences can lead into arguments.  Then there is the issue of finances and how to spend money or if there's enough money to pay the bills.  A marriage encounters many challenges and it's not always going to be wonderful but with faith, commitment and a willingness to get through it all no matter what it takes you can definitely get through it. 

2.  GIVE WITHOUT EXPECTING RECIPROCATION - Like I said earlier, I believe marriage is about giving 100% of each other.  If I do something special for my husband I don't expect him to do something for me in return.  If you expect the other to return favors or do something for you then you will end up disappointed.  It's better to give than to receive.  Of course, it is nice when he does things for me and I do appreciate it (just thought I'd throw that in there). 

3.  THERE WILL BE GOOD TIMES - I've mentioned the challenges and the tough times but yes there are plenty of good times.  The moment we purchased our house, the two times we came home from the hospital with our new baby, vacations, promotions, raises, etc.  So many good times.  After fifteen years it's hard to mention all of them. 

4.  PUT YOUR SPOUSE FIRST - There is no room in a marriage for selfishness, although, yes, there were plenty of times when I put my needs ahead of his.  I'm really sorry for doing that.  My focus needs to be on what makes him happy, what he wants from me as his wife, what he needs to me to do to make things easier on him, etc.  That goes with putting him first in our marriage but I also need to put him before anyone else, even our children.  It was just the two of us for five years before we brought children into the world and when they are grown and out of the house it will go back to being just the two of us.  We have to make sure we keep our marriage strong so we never lose sight of it.  It was so easy to push our marriage aside during the time when our children were babies and toddlers.  Let's face it, babies and toddlers are extremely needy and require our constant time and attention.  I knew I was putting their needs ahead of their father's and that just shouldn't have happened.  Marriage first. 

5.  KEEP GOD IN THE CENTER - My husband and I both have a hard time praying out loud.  It's just something we aren't comfortable with because we believe that prayer is personal.  I have prayed for my husband many times and he has prayed for me but we never took the time to pray together and with each other.  Then our marriage recently hit a big bump and I won't say what that was but it wasn't good.  At that point my husband got on his knees, took my hand and asked if I would pray with him.  We closed our eyes and he said a prayer out loud.  It was that moment that I felt comforted in knowing that we were going to be okay.  Our Christian faith has always been the foundation of our marriage and we have always been committed to keeping God in the center of our marriage and in our home. 

6.  SET A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR OTHERS - Whenever my husband kisses me we will hear one of the kids yell, "EEEWWW!"  Grossing the kids out is a good thing because it shows them what a healthy marriage looks like.  We have to be an example in teaching our children what marriage looks like and what it should be so they know what to look for in a spouse and in their own marriage. 

7.  FORGIVE - Oh boy, this is a biggie.  Marriage requires constant forgiveness.  It doesn't help to hold onto grudges. 

8.  COMMUNICATE - It is a bad idea to keep anything bottled up inside and from your spouse.  Personally, this is a tough one for me because I am not someone who can easily open up to anyone.  However, my husband should be that one person that I can tell anything to, even if it's something he isn't going to understand.  Communication helps with understanding each other and staying on the same track. 

9.  COMPROMISE - Marriage is all about compromise.  As a single person it was easy for me to do whatever I wanted and however I wanted.  Now that I have a spouse I have to put his needs ahead of my own.  Sometimes he wants something that I don't but I have to figure out a way to make it work so that we both can be happy ... but ultimately his happiness is my main focus. 

10.  FIND COMMON INTEREST - For many years my husband has sat and watched some of my shows with me.  I'm not sure if he was really into them but he watched them with me because it's what I liked.  Recently he started becoming really interested in guns and shooting.  I realized, especially in the world we live in, safety is really important and very important to a woman with small children.  We both purchased memberships to a local range and we will go on dates with each other to do some shooting.  It really makes him happy when I do this with him. 

11.  GIVE SPACE  - Time together is so important but I also believe time apart is imperative too.  There are eight hours in a day that I don't see my husband because he's at work and that allows me the time to miss him and look forward to when we can be together. 

12.  SEE EACH OTHER THROUGH GOD'S EYES - I refuse to see my husband for his flaws and imperfections.  I have asked God to allow me to see him the same way that He sees him.  God put him on this earth for a reason and with a purpose and I need to focus on helping him to be that person that God calls him to be. 

13.  SHARE INTIMACY OFTEN - I have heard couples say that their intimate life has been pushed on the back burner, especially after the kids came into the picture.  I know the experience of this all too well, also.  Little ones require a lot of time and attention and can leave a mother feeling really exhausted by the end of the night.  Having that intimate time with my husband was the last thing on my mind.  However, it's so important.  God created sex for the purpose of husbands and wives to bring each other together as one flesh and it's an important part of marriage.  Not just for conception but for closeness.  It's a bond that you have with each other that you don't share with anyone else and that's what makes it so special. 

14.   FRIENDS FIRST - We met in college and became really good friends.  It was so much fun hanging out and getting to know each other without the fears and uncertainties that relationships can bring.  Going on a date with someone you hardly know can definitely be nerve-wracking.  We were friends for two years before deciding to become more but even after the engagement and marriage we decided to continue keeping our friendship above anything else.  He is my best friend. 

15.  STOP COMPLAINING - Oh, goodness.  I have complained.  A lot.  My husband has heard me complain because our house is too small, the car is too old, the house can never stay clean even though I spend all day cleaning it, etc.  That poor guy.  The amazing thing about my husband is that he never complains.  He wakes up early, goes to work, comes home and goes about the evening.  He may tell me about something that went on at work that was frustrating but he just deals with it.  He can so easily just brush things off his shoulders.  Not me.  Nope, I'm the complainer.  I recently realized that complaining solves nothing and it's better to appreciate what I have instead of expecting something better.  Yes, the house is messy but that's because it's lived in and I am thankful that we can provide a roof over our children's heads.  My husband's job is outside of the home and he makes the money to pay the bills.  My job is to make sure the house is clean and everyone is happy and I need to take care of all of that without bickering about it. Again I say, complaining solves NOTHING.

So, there it is, 15 things I have learned in the last 15 years and I'm sure I can come up with a lot more.  I am thankful for my husband and his devotion to our love and family.  He works hard, even when he becomes exhausted.  

WHY I STARTED BLOGGING

Shortly after I got married in 2002 I stumbled across a blog called Xanga.  It was a fun little  community that seemed to grow with time.  This was long before blogging was the thing to do.  That was before all of these food blogs, mom blogs, fitness blogs, etc.  This was before people got paid to write their thoughts.  I loved it.  I wrote about my day and that was about it.  I came across other Xanga blogs and met lots of new people.  It was fun.  I was a part of Xanga for many years and had a few different screen names.  I restarted one when I found out I was pregnant with my first born.  I wrote about all of the milestones of pregnancy and life with the newborn.  It was an online diary I had hoped to keep for my children to read through one day but Xanga had different plans.  For a reason I still have yet to understand Xanga decided to change to a Wordpress format and then started to charge it's users.  Suddenly everyone left.  Eventually I couldn't even log on.  Luckily I was able to save all of my posts onto a zip file so I do still have everything I wrote.  I loved Xanga so much because it was a place where I could express myself and even read into the lives of others.  It was a nice outlet and I miss Xanga so much. 

Once Xanga made those changes I decided to move over to Blogger, where I've also had a few different screen names.  Blogger is so different.  I lost that community of other bloggers and I feel very isolated here.  However, I will keep writing because it's what I enjoy.  It continues to be my outlet. 

Writing has always been therapeutic for me.  I love making up fictional characters and putting them into real life situations.  That is my plan for the writing I intend on doing.  Blogging is something to do in the meantime.  It's nice to have a place to jot down my thoughts, ideas and experiences. 

From Xanga:

Sunday March 25, 2007

Well, here I am again! I've been so busy lately.  We have inventory coming up at work on April 2nd so I've been putting in a lot of hours.  I just thought it was time to get back into the swing of things on xanga, especially since I have exciting news to share. Other than Rob and my best friend Tina, no one knows about this yet.  I really didn't want to make a big deal about it yet, but I can't help myself.  Are you ready? I'M PREGNANT! Yesterday I woke up and decided to take a pregnancy test just for the heck of it.  I'm irregular so I never know when "that time" is going to happen, but I thought "that time" should have at least happened by now.  So I peed on the stick and to my surprise it came up POSITIVE! I was in total shock.  I couldn't believe it.  I mean, I feel totally fine (other than sore boobs and frequent urinating) I have no major symptoms.  So I waited for Rob to come home from work and I hesitated because I wasn't ready to tell him.  I sat on the bed and waiting for him to finish his shower.  When he dressed he laid on the bed and stared at me.  I told him I had something to show him and then I showed him the stick. He asked what that meant. "You're going to be a daddy!" I answered. "No way! That's not what it means! Where's the book?" he totally freaked out. It was funny because the both of us had been planning to have a baby, but we are completely in shock over it.  I really didn't think it was going to happen, especially so soon.  So I ended up taking another pregnancy test, this time a digital readout one.  It said PREGNANT! So that's the story.  I still can't believe it.  I don't feel any different at all.  I guess it's too soon.  I'm going to call the doctor on Monday to schedule an appointment and then go from there.  For those of you who don't believe I'm going to tell you ... God DOES exist, but he answers prayers in his own way and his own time.  I'm a total believer of that now.  I'm just scared because I don't know what is going to happen next.  Anything is possible.  Well, in other baby news today I'm going to be going to a baby shower for one of my really close friends, Carol.  She's due in May.  I'll keep you posted ... Posted 3/25/2007 at 7:45 AM

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3 Comments

OMG its soooooooooooooooooo awesome! I'm so happy, I want to drive out there and hug you now!  :) lololol

Posted 3/25/2007 at 2:17 PM by fyrebebe

PRAISE GOD!!...PRAISE GOD!!...PRAISE GOD!!...............WOOOOOOOWOOOOOWOOOOOO!!!!!
.....I'VE BEEN PRAYIN' 4 U....& THAT IT WOULD BE GOD'S WILL FOR YAWL TO HAVE A BABY......HE HAS ANSWERED........I'M SO HAPPY 4 U & ROB....     ;)
GOD BLESS U DAWN....& TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF....    
((HUGS))        greg  <><        =]

Posted 3/26/2007 at 12:14 AM by GLEDSOME

yay!!!!  I am so happy for you!  Congratulations and God's speed!!! :-)

Posted 3/26/2007 at 8:48 AM by LoraleeAnnette

LIVIING WITH DEPRESSION

 We now live in a time where many people suffer with depression.  A study showed over 300 million people suffer with it.  There are many types of depression; some more severe than others, but all need to be taken seriously.  Even though so many talk about the struggles with their own mental illness I remember a time when it wasn't heard of much.  At least, I never heard anyone else talk about it.

I rarely share my battle with anyone.  My husband doesn't know everything and a lot of my close friends don't either.  My family, aside from my parents, aren't even aware.  I never felt comfortable talking about it and I certainly don't want anyone to think that I'm looking for attention or making a cry for help.  That's what everyone assumes when you mention it.  So I kept my mouth shut and hid the pain as best as I could.  I'm sure people could see it in my facial expression.  How could you not?  I don't smile much.  I say a lot of things negatively.  I guess people think it's because I'm a mean person, but I'm not.  I'm depressed.  I realize it's time to share my story of that.

I was diagnosed with manic depression after a suicide attempt at the age of fourteen.  Yes, you heard it right, a suicide attempt.  A friend from school found out and reported it to a teacher, who then reported it to the guidance counselor.  I remember sitting in the counselor's office unsure of what to say or even what to think as she called my parents to tell them.  A threat of suicide is not one to be taken lightly and it needs to be reported and I understood that.  It devastated my parents.  We had lost my cousin a few years before because of suicide.  In that moment of wanting to take my own life I could understand his reasoning for taking his, for everyone's reason for why they kill themselves.  Because the mental pain hurts too much.

My depression started long before the age of 14, I'm sure of it.  I remember, even as a small child, feeling unhappy and miserable.  I remember, being about 8 or 9, playing in my front yard and thinking about how I wish I could get some horrible disease that would take my life.  What kid thinks of that? There were plenty of other times when I thought so many stupid things such as that.  I quit ballet because I was bored with it, I stopped trying in school because I didn't care, I said and did a lot of things that caused friends to not want to hang out with me anymore.  I felt unliked.  Unwanted.  Even though I had a family that gave me a ton of love and attention.  I couldn't help how I felt.

Then I started seventh grade, junior high, and things were starting to look up.  I still battled with some emotions but I made new friends and gained a little independence.  By independence, I mean, my mom started allowing me to wear makeup and I could go to the mall and movies with my friends without adult supervision.  I felt like I was starting to become somebody.  Life was picking up.  It was great.  Then my parents announced that they were selling the house and we were moving.  That was the biggest shock of my life.  We didn't move down the street.  We moved to another state.  From New York to Pennsylvania.  What a huge difference.  I wasn't happy about it and I could feel my world crashing down ... fast.

So, I started eighth grade in a new school with new people.  I managed to find a group of friends to hang out with.  One girl, in particular, gave me a lot of problems.  One minute she was my best friend and another minute she was my worst enemy.  This story isn't about her, though, so I'll skip all that.  Eighth grade was a bad year and we'll leave it at that.  Then came 9th grade.  High school.  It was a new adventure for everyone in my class and I was no longer looked at as the new girl.  Just a few weeks before school started I lost a friend in a fire so that brought on a bad start to the year.  Throughout everything I continued to have so much running through my head.  I couldn't stop it.  Trust me, I wanted to stop it.  I hated my life.  No matter what good came from it I hated my life.  I hated living in Pennsylvania and I craved my old life in New York.  I felt out of place.  I felt like I didn't belong in PA but when I went back to NY I felt like I didn't belong there either.  It was horrible.  So, that came my first attempt at suicide - a knife to my wrist.  Unsuccessfully, of course.

After my parents found out, and part of the school administration, I was sent to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with depression and put me on medication.  I was on the medication all through high school and part of college.  I also started seeing a psychologist and occasionally the school counselor called me in to check up.  It wasn't a fun thing to go through but I did it and I made sure I took my medicine every day.  It helped a little.

Being a teenager and dealing with high school drama is bad enough.  While everyone was planning their future and deciding what they wanted to do after graduation I was thinking of nothing.  My mind was numb and I couldn't see a future for myself.  For awhile, I couldn't see a life passed the age of 17.  So what I was going to do with the rest of my life wasn't even a thought in my mind.  I didn't care.  My grades weren't good enough for a prestigious college, or any college for that matter.  I also had poor attendance, especially my senior year.  I would wake up in the morning and have trouble getting out of bed.  My mom allowed me to stay home when I felt that way.  I guess she feared something would happen if I did leave.  Or maybe she just didn't care to fight me about it.  I spent a lot of time laying in bed.  Most of my time was spent in my bedroom just day dreaming and focusing my mind on pretending to be in a different life.  I wrote a lot too.  I loved writing.  It was therapeutic, to say the least.  Eventually, I found other methods of "therapy" but I won't discuss that here.  I tried so many things to find happiness.  In the years of struggling with depression I lost a lot of friends, mainly because I cancelled plans a lot.  I just didn't feel like leaving the house.  It was too hard to.

After graduating high school I went to community college for a semester and flunked out.  It was because of my attendance.  I just couldn't get myself motivated.  Then my dad, angry as he should be, gave me an ultimatum - either find another college to go to or pay rent if I wanted to continue to live under his roof.  I knew my life was off track and I was going nowhere and I wanted to change.  So badly, I wanted to change.  That's when I started business school and met some new friends.  They were devoted Christians who enjoyed attending church and Christian-related functions.  I joined in and quickly decided to give my life to Christ.  In those two years of business school I felt really good.  My depression was barely there anymore.  It was great.  I was able to enjoy life and time with friends.  It felt like everything was falling into place.  At that point I wasn't even on anti-depressants anymore and I stopped seeking therapy.  I didn't need it. 

Unfortunately, that feeling of peace and happiness didn't last.  After graduating from college I entered the "real world" as a lot of teachers once called it.  I went from one office job to another because I couldn't seem to find a steady one that worked out.  In that time things were starting to get serious between me and one of my best friends in business school.  He's the one I married.  Even now, in a wonderful marriage with a man who takes such good care of me and two amazing kids and many other things to be grateful for - I still find myself depressed at times.  It's definitely not what it used to be when I was a teenager but it's still there.  I'm sure it will always be there.  A few years ago I attended a few counseling sessions with a psychologist and my medical doctor prescribed anti-depressants again.  This was after I started getting anxiety, and that's a topic of discussion for another time.  I'm not on the medicine anymore and I stopped seeking therapy because of cost.

I am depressed.  I will probably always be depressed.  I'm sure there are a lot of things about my battle with depression that I have left out.  The last therapist I saw said that she can't find a reason for why I'm depressed but it's probably just a chemical imbalance in the brain and something I will always have to deal with forever.  It's not an easy thing to fathom.  There are days when I can easily hide the pain and then there are days when my husband is aware of my struggle but he can't understand it.  Throughout life I've heard many people say, "snap out of it." "you can get over it." "just think of all the good things you have." etc.  Trust me, if it were that easy I'm sure depression would be something unheard of.  No one wants to suffer.  It's not a choice we make and it's certainly not something we can so easily snap out of.  But there is treatment and there is help.

I have found that by just praying or reading Scripture I can get a better grasp on things.  Being a believer doesn't take it away but it helps give me hope.  I also found that exercise and a healthy diet helps too.  I would love to share those things with you, in time, on this blog.  If I can help someone else who suffers with depression I am willing to do that.  Also, if you stumble upon my page and you are suffering I want you to know that you are not alone.  You are also worth so much in this world and even though it hurts and it's tiring and the struggle is real ... you deserve happiness and peace and you deserve the help.  I want to help.  All you have to do is reach out. 

SUMMER OF 1992

Those three words hit me like a ton of bricks.

"We are moving."

I was thirteen years old and in junior high school.  That seventh grade year was a turning point for me.  I was a teenager.  Finally, a teenager.  Experiencing all the teenage things.  My mother let me wear makeup and allowed me to go to the movies or the mall with friends without adult supervision.  It was awesome.  I was happy.  My grades were good, I had a lot of friends and felt like life was moving forward.

Then everything came crashing down the minute my father uttered those words, "we are moving."

My grandparents made the move to Pennsylvania to be close to my grandmother's sister.  After visiting and helping them settle in my parents decided they liked the area and wanted to follow.  The house sold quickly, we packed our things and I had to make a lot of sad goodbyes.  I didn't want to go and I remember at one point feeling the urge to run away.  How could a teenager with no education run off and hide in the woods somewhere and make a life of her own?  Okay, that wouldn't work out well so I went along.  Squished in the back seat of the Oldsmobile with our dog Muggsie and a ton of luggage and boxes taking up most of the room I sat in the car and felt the worst feeling I had experienced thus far.  As we pulled out of the driveway and made our way down the road I didn't look back.  I didn't want that last glance of the house.  It was too sad.  It was my house for thirteen years.  This was the house my parents brought me home to from the hospital.  The house where I learned to walk, where I lost all of my teeth.  I spent hours in the back yard pretending and playing, running around with my dog.  This was my house.  Then suddenly it became someone else's house.  This wasn't fair.

The drive to Pennsylvania was long.  Farms stretched for miles along the country roads.  This was something I wasn't used to - and the smell - the smell of cow manure.  Gross.  Why did we have to move?  Why did it have to be this way?

We spent the first few months in an apartment as my parents searched for a house.  I started eighth grade in an unfamiliar school with unfamiliar people.  I could see them all staring and silently judging me.  This was the first time being the new girl and I didn't like it.  I did manage to make a few friends that I sat with at lunch.  When they found out I was from New York they seemed a little frightened as they asked if my dad was part of the mafia and if I had ever seen someone get shot.  Wow, really?  Are people in PA really that naive to think that New Yorkers are all murderers and gangsters?  When I finally found myself starting to fit in we bought a house that was in a different school district.  So, we moved again.  I was the new girl again.  I hated the feeling of being the new student. This is why I'm so adamant with my children about making sure they are kind and welcoming to any new student that enrolls in their school.

I'm sure a lot of people handle a move a lot better than I did. I kept thinking about what I was missing at my old school and with all of my Long Island friends.  I kept thinking about how unfair it was that I wasn't going to graduate from the same school my siblings did.  They were old enough to stay but I was the only one who had to go.  I had always envisioned staying at that house in Holbrook and not leaving until I was an adult and it was my choice.  Unfortunately things don't always turn out the way we plan.  I had to unwillingly adjust to this new life and although it may be easy for some it wasn't for me.  I hated it. But I stayed.  Even after turning 18 and being declared an adult with the ability to go wherever I wanted ... I stayed.  I settled down and made a life for me here in Pennsylvania because I didn't want to leave my parents with no one around.

As much as I would have loved to have never moved I have come to realize that there is a reason why things turn out the way they do.  I spent the last few years shifting my attitude to a different perspective.  For one, I look at my children and realize they wouldn't be here if it weren't for the move.  My husband would probably be miserable with someone not as awesome as me (note: sarcasm).  Also, Pennsylvania has some beautiful scenery.  It may be missing the beaches of Long Island but it does have lakes, mountains and plenty of vegetation.  My mind has told me that I do not belong here but God says yes I do.  Maybe He was saving me from something by sending me here instead of keeping me there.  For that I am thankful.

 “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." -- Isaiah 43:18-19

DEAR HUSBAND

Dear Husband

My wonderful, sweet husband.  You come home from a long day of work to a house that isn't clean and two kids that are screaming and fighting.  I try really hard to rush down the stairs to the front door and greet you with a big hug and kiss, and sometimes I accomplish that.  I try so hard to have a hot meal prepared and ready by the time you walk in, and sometimes I accomplish that too.

You have been the love of my life since our early twenties and you will be the love of my life when we reach the age of 100. You have seen me at my best and you have seen me at my worst and yet here you are still loving me.  I'm sure more times than not I have failed at doing what I should do as a wife but you have never stopped being the amazing partner that you are.  You unselfishly give of yourself in so many ways.

My favorite moments are late at night after the kids are tucked into bed, knowing we made it through another day, and we just sit on the couch watching television together.  Oh, the foot rubs you give me are pretty amazing too.  I'm glad we have some time to devote to each other.  That's so important in a marriage.  I know I don't always follow through with what 1 Corinthians 7:5 says and I appreciate you understanding that I am not always affectionate and sometimes need my space but when we are together it really is special.

Even though you have physical pain you never let that define you.  You still get up and go to work and insist on doing everything an able bodied person can do, even when it hurts.  You are an inspiration.  But if it ever gets to a point where you have to stop ... I will be here.

I can't believe the boy who sat five seats in front of me in Business Management class ended up being my soul mate.   "I have found the one whom my soul loves" -- Song of Solomon 3:4

I will love you until I take my last breath.

                                                       

                                 

DEAR DAUGHTER

Dear Daughter

I peak into your room and watch as you sit at that little pink vanity your Nanny bought you for Christmas.  You look at yourself in the mirror as you fix your hair and put on that fashion jewelry.  Sometimes you want to add a little eye shadow and lipstick just for fun.  You are growing up so fast.  I know you dream of someday becoming a mom and I already know you will be a great one.  But right now you are only 6 years old and I beg you not to grow up so fast.  Young girls and teenagers want to grow up fast but I assure you that time will come when you will be an adult.  Once you are an adult that's it, you will always be an adult.  Enjoy these childhood years because they go by fast.

I love that you are such a girly girl.  You love wearing skirts and dresses, your favorite colors are pink and purple and you like all the Disney princesses.  I have enjoyed watching you twirl around and dance since the time you learned how to walk.  I was excited to enroll you in dance classes and I can't believe you are in the middle of your third year.  You are so graceful and flexible.

I know you are smaller than most girls your age and that bothers you.  You hate when people call you short and I understand that.  But don't let that bother you.  Do not let your height define you and do not let other people's opinions get you down.  God made you who you are and in His eyes you are perfect ... and Daddy and I think you are pretty great too.

You have a sensitive soul and take everything to heart.  Be strong, my girl.  This world is tough.  No matter what you go through in life and whatever obstacles you may cross just know that I am always here for you.  Also, never give up on your faith in God.  He is the One who can give you the strength to accomplish everything you were made to be.

I miss holding your tiny baby body in my arms but I love watching as you grow.  You are the perfect completion to this family and I am so proud of you.

I love you!

                                                                                      Mommy

DEAR SON

Dear Son,

My first born.  The one who made me a mother.  What a blessing this journey with you has been.  I prayed for you even before you were born.  I wanted you so badly and it was amazing the day I found out that God answered my prayers.  I carried you inside of me for forty weeks and that first sight of you took my breath away.  You are the one who taught me that love at first sight does exist.  You are a joy that fills me heart and my life.

I'm glad that you have your father's brains when it comes to math.  Always try your best and do not ever settle for less.  This world can be cruel and tough but with God all things are possible.  You can handle anything and I will always be here for you.

Don't ever lose sight in who you are and don't ever, ever give up on God.  Someday you will find out the truth about Santa and The Easter Bunny but God is real and He loves you so much.  He brought you into this world for a reason and I hope someday you find your purpose in life.

I can't believe you are one decade old.  Double digits!  That happened so fast.  I remember holding you in my arms when you were a baby.  You hated to be put down and I had to carry you everywhere.  I'm so grateful that I have been able to stay at home with you and spend all day with you.  I was able to experience all of your firsts.  Sending you to school was the hardest thing but you are doing such an amazing job.  The teachers always say you are so quiet but at home you are quite active and rambunctious.  Don't be afraid to show others who you truly are.  You are amazing.

It makes me so proud to see how active you are.  Cub scouts, baseball and now trumpet.  I'm jealous of your ambition.

I'm sorry for not always doing the right thing as a mother.  I know I can sometimes be tough.  My job is to be your mother not your friend.  My job is to make sure you and your sister understand right from wrong.  But no matter what life brings, I will always be here for you.  You can count on that.

I love you, kid!

                                                                                                   Mommy

THE SOCIAL MEDIA OBSESSION

Everywhere you go it's easy to see a ton of people attached to their cell phones.  I often wonder if people can go a day without using their phones, or even a few hours when they are out in public.  What is it that has made us so obsessed and addicted to these little electronic devices?  The telephone was invented as a way for people to stay connected to each other through vocal communication.  Now a phone has become a place to text, browse the internet, a calculator, a calendar, game playing and so much more.  How many people actually use a cell phone to talk anymore?  We were recently at a hockey game where I saw a girl walking around the gift shop holding up the phone in front of her face as she walked.  I'm guessing she was probably making a video of herself for Instagram.  It's quite silly if you think about it but I understand the fun of it. 

I didn't get the internet until after graduating college (in 2000) so I was late in the game.  Back then there wasn't much online but I did discover something called Expage where you could make your own profile.  Expage is no longer in service.  I then discovered GeoCities, which was another place to share a profile or even turn it into a blog.  I had so much fun with it.  GeoCities was another site that shut down.  Then I discovered Xanga, a free blogging place.  I wrote about my daily adventures and personal feelings towards things.  I was also able to meet people from all over the country.  It was fun.  I became hooked.  Years later Xanga started charging their users so I shut my page down.  That's when I decided to open up a blog right here on Blogger.  I love blogging because I love writing.  My dream has always been to become an author and I'm currently working on something.  So, that's basically my blogging history.  As I was on Xanga I discovered a lot of people were using Myspace and I decided to join.  Ahh, my first experience with social media.  A lot of current friends, friends from my past and family were on Myspace so I decided to stick with it.  My family lives in another state so this was an easy and free way to constantly stay connected with them.  A few years after spending far too much time on Myspace I discovered Facebook and decided to make my own profile there.  Facebook was then the latest and greatest social media site and more and more family and friends joined in.  Eventually Myspace became a thing of the past.  Hey, does anyone still use it?

Facebook is fun and it is a great way to stay connected with people; however, it's also become a platform for everyone to post their political views/rants and share information that is often false.  Many times I have read things that have irritated me and then I wrote my own status about the issues.  It's become annoying.  I have annoyed myself with it but I am also irritated with others.  As I said, it's a great way to stay in touch with everyone and to read what everyone is up to but all the political stuff has become far too much.  When I jump on Facebook and read something that sets me off or puts me in a bad mood it's then I realize that it's just not worth it.  I keep going back and forth with whether or not I want to stick with Facebook.  I'm currently taking another break from it.  I logged off last night and have no intention of getting back on anytime soon.  I need the break again.

I never had an interest in Twitter but then when finding out my dad (who hates Facebook and refuses to get on there) has a Twitter I decided to join.  Ugh, Twitter is basically just people ranting about politics.  No fun.  So I stay off of there unless I feel like posting something occasionally.

Then I joined Instagram and that is, by far, my favorite social media site.  It's a place where you can share pictures and videos without the status comments and DRAMA.  Some of my family members and friends are on there but I have been following a ton of my favorite celebrities.  I enjoy taking some time to glance into their every day lives, but not in an obsessed, stalker way.  Being a housewife and spending my entire day on cleaning it's nice to take a break here and there to check updates and see what everyone is up to.  Social media and blogging has become my outlet - please tell me that's not pathetic. 

And just when I thought I was on enough things I make the hasty decision to get on Snapchat.  I'm still figuring it out but those Snapchat filters are so cute.  My kids are enjoying it too.  They crack up laughing at themselves while taking pictures and videos with the filters. 

Yes, that's me, a thirty-nine year old housewife and mother playing with Snapchat.  Could I get any more pathetic?  Oh, don't be surprised.

I mean, who wouldn't want to be turned into a cute little bunny? 

MY MOTHER

 
I had dropped my four year old son off at my parents' house for a sleepover.  After strapping my seven month old daughter in her car seat and before getting into the car my mother stood on her front porch and said, "I love you, Dawn."  I looked at her with a smile and told her I loved her also.  That was the last time I saw my mother as her normal self.

The next evening my father called to tell me that he thought my mom was having a stroke and I had to pick up my son, who was going to spend another night with them.  With my husband and daughter, we rushed to their house.  By the time we got there the ambulance had already picked up my mother and my dad followed.  Thankfully, my aunt was living nearby at the time and was able to sit with my son until we picked him up.  For the rest of the night I heard nothing, couldn't get a hold of my father, and went to bed fearing the worst.  Early the next morning my father woke me up with a phone call saying that she did indeed have a stroke and was being airlifted to a hospital near Philadelphia where they were going to do an emergency surgery that only had a 30% chance of survival.  As he spoke those words I could feel my emotions fall apart.  I saw her just a few days before and she seemed perfectly fine.  How did this happen?

My aunt and I rushed to the hospital where we met up with my brother and sisters.  They all live on Long Island so their trip was long but they came with no hesitation.  In my head I kept envisioning entering the hospital and seeing my father who would give me news that she didn't make it.  I prepared for it, although no one could ever completely prepare for something such as that.  We walked into the hospital, found out what floor and what room she was in, made our way into the elevator and onto the right floor and walked out of the elevator.  As we stepped off the elevator my father met us in the hallway.  The panicked look on his face scared me and I was expecting he would tell us it was too late.  Thankfully, she was still alive and out of surgery.  He took us to her room and she laid on the hospital bed completely lifeless.  Unable to open her eyes or make any movement I wasn't sure what the future would be like for her.  That was truly the hardest day of my life.

It took months for my mother to recover, but not fully.  She had to learn how to talk again, how to walk again and how to eat again.  She went from a rehabilitation hospital to a nursing home but my father removed her from the home after seeing how they were running things there.  As someone who used to work in a nursing home I can tell you first hand how those nurses get away with things and those patients are not well cared for.  I was glad that my father decided to take her home but it was hard to see how much he had to go through when caring for her.  This was not the retirement he planned on having.

It's been five years since her stroke and it's amazing to see how far she has come.  In the last year or so she had been having some difficulties with speech and memory loss.  She also has several episodes during the night where she had hallucinations and thinks something she dreamed was true.  After testing from the neurologist she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease.

My precious, sweet mother has Alzheimer's.  I can't wrap my head around this and have yet to process it.  After all she's been through why did she have to have one of the cruelest diseases out there?  A disease that will take away her memory and will eventually take away her life.  There is no cure for this and no survivors.

When I was a little girl and things were rough my mom told me, "don't worry, Jesus is going to take care of us."  That is something I have kept in my mind for the rest of my life.  Whenever things were tough I always asked Jesus to take care of me or the situation.  My mother is the reason I have faith and have believed in God.  Now I wonder where Jesus is and why He has allowed her to have such a horrible disease.  I just don't understand and I'm not okay with this.