Last spring my husband and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary. I had posted this on my previous blog and it meant so much to him, so, I decided to transfer it here.
I'm not going to lie, there were times when I didn't think we were going to make it this far. There were times when I questioned if this is really worth it. Marriage is tough and our marriage has faced many challenges. When we entered life as a married couple we had plans on how we were going to be committed to one another for the rest of our lives. We didn't want our marriage to be 50/50. We planned to give each other 100% of ourselves to the other. In order to give yourself completely to your spouse takes a lot of work and I have failed in doing so many, many times. Through all the hard times, even when I felt like it wasn't worth it, my husband was still completely devoted to making sure I was happy and that our marriage was going to last until one of us takes our last breath. I want to be completely real here and admit that I am not perfect and, like any human, I have my own struggles. But it's been good and it's been worth it. I have grown so much from that 23 year old newlywed fifteen years ago. I would love to share 15 things I have learned in these fifteen years.
1. THERE WILL BE TOUGH TIMES - When you first fall in love with someone everything seems to be so perfect and wonderful. Those butterflies flutter around your stomach every time you look into his eyes and you consider yourself the luckiest woman in the world. Then, eventually, the dopamine wears off and reality sets in. Sure, you still love the guy but it's not quite like it was in the beginning. You enter new expectations and challenges. You see his flaws and you learn about each other's differences and sometimes those differences can lead into arguments. Then there is the issue of finances and how to spend money or if there's enough money to pay the bills. A marriage encounters many challenges and it's not always going to be wonderful but with faith, commitment and a willingness to get through it all no matter what it takes you can definitely get through it.
2. GIVE WITHOUT EXPECTING RECIPROCATION - Like I said earlier, I believe marriage is about giving 100% of each other. If I do something special for my husband I don't expect him to do something for me in return. If you expect the other to return favors or do something for you then you will end up disappointed. It's better to give than to receive. Of course, it is nice when he does things for me and I do appreciate it (just thought I'd throw that in there).
3. THERE WILL BE GOOD TIMES - I've mentioned the challenges and the tough times but yes there are plenty of good times. The moment we purchased our house, the two times we came home from the hospital with our new baby, vacations, promotions, raises, etc. So many good times. After fifteen years it's hard to mention all of them.
4. PUT YOUR SPOUSE FIRST - There is no room in a marriage for selfishness, although, yes, there were plenty of times when I put my needs ahead of his. I'm really sorry for doing that. My focus needs to be on what makes him happy, what he wants from me as his wife, what he needs to me to do to make things easier on him, etc. That goes with putting him first in our marriage but I also need to put him before anyone else, even our children. It was just the two of us for five years before we brought children into the world and when they are grown and out of the house it will go back to being just the two of us. We have to make sure we keep our marriage strong so we never lose sight of it. It was so easy to push our marriage aside during the time when our children were babies and toddlers. Let's face it, babies and toddlers are extremely needy and require our constant time and attention. I knew I was putting their needs ahead of their father's and that just shouldn't have happened. Marriage first.
5. KEEP GOD IN THE CENTER - My husband and I both have a hard time praying out loud. It's just something we aren't comfortable with because we believe that prayer is personal. I have prayed for my husband many times and he has prayed for me but we never took the time to pray together and with each other. Then our marriage recently hit a big bump and I won't say what that was but it wasn't good. At that point my husband got on his knees, took my hand and asked if I would pray with him. We closed our eyes and he said a prayer out loud. It was that moment that I felt comforted in knowing that we were going to be okay. Our Christian faith has always been the foundation of our marriage and we have always been committed to keeping God in the center of our marriage and in our home.
6. SET A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR OTHERS - Whenever my husband kisses me we will hear one of the kids yell, "EEEWWW!" Grossing the kids out is a good thing because it shows them what a healthy marriage looks like. We have to be an example in teaching our children what marriage looks like and what it should be so they know what to look for in a spouse and in their own marriage.
7. FORGIVE - Oh boy, this is a biggie. Marriage requires constant forgiveness. It doesn't help to hold onto grudges.
8. COMMUNICATE - It is a bad idea to keep anything bottled up inside and from your spouse. Personally, this is a tough one for me because I am not someone who can easily open up to anyone. However, my husband should be that one person that I can tell anything to, even if it's something he isn't going to understand. Communication helps with understanding each other and staying on the same track.
9. COMPROMISE - Marriage is all about compromise. As a single person it was easy for me to do whatever I wanted and however I wanted. Now that I have a spouse I have to put his needs ahead of my own. Sometimes he wants something that I don't but I have to figure out a way to make it work so that we both can be happy ... but ultimately his happiness is my main focus.
10. FIND COMMON INTEREST - For many years my husband has sat and watched some of my shows with me. I'm not sure if he was really into them but he watched them with me because it's what I liked. Recently he started becoming really interested in guns and shooting. I realized, especially in the world we live in, safety is really important and very important to a woman with small children. We both purchased memberships to a local range and we will go on dates with each other to do some shooting. It really makes him happy when I do this with him.
11. GIVE SPACE - Time together is so important but I also believe time apart is imperative too. There are eight hours in a day that I don't see my husband because he's at work and that allows me the time to miss him and look forward to when we can be together.
12. SEE EACH OTHER THROUGH GOD'S EYES - I refuse to see my husband for his flaws and imperfections. I have asked God to allow me to see him the same way that He sees him. God put him on this earth for a reason and with a purpose and I need to focus on helping him to be that person that God calls him to be.
13. SHARE INTIMACY OFTEN - I have heard couples say that their intimate life has been pushed on the back burner, especially after the kids came into the picture. I know the experience of this all too well, also. Little ones require a lot of time and attention and can leave a mother feeling really exhausted by the end of the night. Having that intimate time with my husband was the last thing on my mind. However, it's so important. God created sex for the purpose of husbands and wives to bring each other together as one flesh and it's an important part of marriage. Not just for conception but for closeness. It's a bond that you have with each other that you don't share with anyone else and that's what makes it so special.
14. FRIENDS FIRST - We met in college and became really good friends. It was so much fun hanging out and getting to know each other without the fears and uncertainties that relationships can bring. Going on a date with someone you hardly know can definitely be nerve-wracking. We were friends for two years before deciding to become more but even after the engagement and marriage we decided to continue keeping our friendship above anything else. He is my best friend.
15. STOP COMPLAINING - Oh, goodness. I have complained. A lot. My husband has heard me complain because our house is too small, the car is too old, the house can never stay clean even though I spend all day cleaning it, etc. That poor guy. The amazing thing about my husband is that he never complains. He wakes up early, goes to work, comes home and goes about the evening. He may tell me about something that went on at work that was frustrating but he just deals with it. He can so easily just brush things off his shoulders. Not me. Nope, I'm the complainer. I recently realized that complaining solves nothing and it's better to appreciate what I have instead of expecting something better. Yes, the house is messy but that's because it's lived in and I am thankful that we can provide a roof over our children's heads. My husband's job is outside of the home and he makes the money to pay the bills. My job is to make sure the house is clean and everyone is happy and I need to take care of all of that without bickering about it. Again I say, complaining solves NOTHING.
So, there it is, 15 things I have learned in the last 15 years and I'm sure I can come up with a lot more. I am thankful for my husband and his devotion to our love and family. He works hard, even when he becomes exhausted.
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