These Two

These two are the reason I get up in the morning and the reason I keep pushing through.  Parenting isn't always easy, and there are moments when I feel I am failing them, but then I see the kind of people they are and I'm amazed.

I've worried so much about the teen years because I remember what it was like to be a teenager.   The innocence of childhood gets lost and you're caught in the middle of no longer being a kid but not old enough to be an adult and, of course, there's the pressure to fit in.   I think I worry mainly because of the kind of teenager I was.  One that hung out with a bad crowd and did bad things.  One who felt completely useless and unworthy to live this life.   Then I realized, I'm not raising my kids the same way I was raised.  I put so much effort in being the kind of parent who makes sure my kids know just how loved and important they are.   We teach them that God has a plan and purpose for them and to live their lives in a way that glorifies Him.  I listen with the intent to make them feel that whatever they have to say is important.  I'm certainly not a perfect parent and I won't pretend to be, but when I look at my kids I realize we must be doing something right.

My son is a bit of an overachiever who is doing better academically and in life than I ever did.  My daughter has a heart that exudes compassion to help others.   Both of them freak out whenever they hear someone say a bad word, they think smoking, drugs and drinking alcohol is dumb (and my daughter gets upset when I have a glass of wine).   I'm hopeful that the way they are now is the way they'll always be.

God Is Bigger Than Depression

I love rollercoasters and the more twists, turns and loops the better they are.  Lately, my head has been on a rollercoaster I do no enjoy.  One moment I am laughing and carrying on and the next moment I drop far down into a spiral of sadness and grief.  My head is spinning, my heart is aching, and I just want to get off of this thing!

Depression sucks!

I haven't felt this down in the dumps in a long time.  The depression has always been there in the back of my mind and I'm usually better at controlling it but in the last few weeks it's been hitting me head on.  In the morning when the alarm sounds I feel the achiness of my head telling me not to get up.  My body has to mentally fight to get physically moving and by the end of the night I'm exhausted.  So exhausted.  There are moments in the day where I find myself sneaking into my room and laying in my bed.  I intend on it being only for a moment but I get stuck there with a mind that tells me forget everything that needs done around the house, forget the kids who need your attention, forget living right now.  A few times my daughter has crawled into bed with me with a book for us to read together or we lay and watch television.  I try to limit their screen time but lately there's been a lot more tv watching and video game playing than usual.  Oh, LORD, do not let me become one of those moms.  The kind of mom who allows screens to babysit the kids so I can have time to be selfish.  Ugh, that's not me!

I wonder how it's possible to be a Christian and struggle with mental illness.  Shouldn't that be an oxymoron?  As I spent time trying to pull myself out of this funk I've been heavy into prayer, worship music, and Bible study.  If anything, this grief brings me closer to God.  I realize that depression is Satan but God is the Healer.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full," -- John 10:10

I've found that there are many men in the Bible who had suffered heartache and grief.

There was David who said, "My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear," -- Psalm 38:4.

There was Elijah who said, "I have had enough, LORD, take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." -- 1 Kings 19:4

There was Jonah who said, "And I am so angry I wish I were dead," -- Jonah 4:9

There was Job, a righteous man of God who remained faithful all his life still felt suffering when he said, "Why did I not perish at birth, and die as I came from the world?" -- Job 3:11.  "I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil," -- Job 3:26.  "I loathe my very life; therefore, I will give free rein to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul," -- Job 10:1

And even our perfect Jesus, who was brought to this world to free us of our suffering, also suffered.  "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.  Stay here and keep watch.  Abba, Father, everything is possible for you.  Take this cup from me.  Yet not what I will, but what you will." -- Mark 14:34-36.  The shortest and yet most powerful verse in the bible is "Jesus wept," -- John 11:35.  The Son of God felt pain and sorrow.  He also suffered through the most grousome and horrific pain on his way to a death that was done for me and you.  His death was my gain.

God never promised an earthly life that would be free from suffering but He did promise an eternal life where I can leave my depression and sorrow at the gate.  It helps so much in believing that.  I'm going through some dark times, yes, but it's not meant to last.  Even when those figures in the Bible mentioned above were suffering the Savior was still there understanding the pain and hurt, and gave them hope and compassion.  He still does the same for all of us.  He is a healer and a friend and I know He meets me right where I am.

This depression will not control me.  It will not define me.  I have a God that is more powerful than anything Satan will throw my way.  Even in my darkest days, I hold HIM close.  God is bigger than depression.

Math Counts Competition

I would love to be more intentional about blogging, like I used to, but time has not been on my side.  The moment I do find time to sit and write I feel guilty because there's 100 other things I could be doing.  Also, with how I'm feeling lately my posts could end up being depressing and I don't want to be that way.  My misery does not like company and I would much rather lift others up than bring anyone down.  As hard as life is right now I need to continue doing what I try to do best and that's focusing on the positives in life.

Like today, my son along with the top 6 in his grade got to be part of a math competition that was held in Millersville University.   We only got to see the last part of the competition and award ceremony.   There were 29 schools and 199 competitors.  He didn't make the top 10 and his school didn't make the top 5 but I don't even care.  I'm beaming with pride over this kid.

He's always been academically smart and a fast learner.  That doesn't come from me, I can say that with all seriousness.   

It's been a long time since I had been on the Millersville University campus.   My high school was located next door and the photography teacher would walk us to the area with the pond so we could take pictures.  Our school shared their football stadium so I had spent every home game my sophomore and junior years dancing and twirling flags with the band on that field.  And I would also visit my friends who attended there.  It was a fun day with some nostalgia.   

Then we enjoyed the unseasonably warm day outside playing and being silly, and then spent some time in my parents house. 

My daughter had her moments of whining and crying, per usual, but it was a good day.  A really good day.  

Be Still ...

It's 4:30 in the morning and I should be asleep under my warm blanket.  Instead, I laid there with the moonlight shining into my bedroom windows and my husband breathing loudly beside me.  My heart is beating outside of my chest and my head is spinning.  That's how it's been for the last week.  So, here I am, sitting in a dark living room listening to the sounds of my dog snoring beside me.

"Be still and know that I am God" -- Psalm 46:10

That verse has been constantly popping in my head for the last few weeks but I've been standing still impatiently waiting for God to turn my current situation around.  Where is He?  Why does He seem so distant?  Why is He testing me so much?

Recently, I was diagnosed with a genetic disorder called Basal Cell Nevus Syndrome.  It's the reason why I've been getting skin cancer … and it's not just one or two spots … it's all over my face.  Every time I feel my face or look in the mirror I find another spot.  Now I'm told this is something I may have for the rest of my life.  Why, Lord, are you punishing me?  Is it because of all those times I stepped outside without putting sunscreen on?  My teachers used to talk about the hole in the ozone layer and how it would slowly kill us all … maybe they were on to something.

For awhile I kept telling myself it could be worse and there are people battling with something more extreme than this.  Honestly, I sometimes feel it would be better if I was given a fatal disease instead.  So far there are three scars on my face from surgery and if I have to keep getting Mohs surgery on every spot that has developed and will develop on my face I'm going to look like the Elephant Man from that 1980 film.  So, when I say death would be a better option please don't try to convince me otherwise.  Also, I wish people would stop telling me I look good and my skin is healing nicely because I do own several mirrors and cringe at every recent picture that's taken of me.

On top of this, my mother is slowly dying, my father may have prostate cancer, my husband is recovering from another surgery and has been in pain, my sister lost her father-in-law, a friend is going through a terrible separation from her husband with an 11 year old son caught in the middle, and so on.

2020 you aren't looking very good so far!

Be still ...