I love rollercoasters and the more twists, turns and loops the better they are. Lately, my head has been on a rollercoaster I do no enjoy. One moment I am laughing and carrying on and the next moment I drop far down into a spiral of sadness and grief. My head is spinning, my heart is aching, and I just want to get off of this thing!
Depression sucks!
I haven't felt this down in the dumps in a long time. The depression has always been there in the back of my mind and I'm usually better at controlling it but in the last few weeks it's been hitting me head on. In the morning when the alarm sounds I feel the achiness of my head telling me not to get up. My body has to mentally fight to get physically moving and by the end of the night I'm exhausted. So exhausted. There are moments in the day where I find myself sneaking into my room and laying in my bed. I intend on it being only for a moment but I get stuck there with a mind that tells me forget everything that needs done around the house, forget the kids who need your attention, forget living right now. A few times my daughter has crawled into bed with me with a book for us to read together or we lay and watch television. I try to limit their screen time but lately there's been a lot more tv watching and video game playing than usual. Oh, LORD, do not let me become one of those moms. The kind of mom who allows screens to babysit the kids so I can have time to be selfish. Ugh, that's not me!
I wonder how it's possible to be a Christian and struggle with mental illness. Shouldn't that be an oxymoron? As I spent time trying to pull myself out of this funk I've been heavy into prayer, worship music, and Bible study. If anything, this grief brings me closer to God. I realize that depression is Satan but God is the Healer.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full," -- John 10:10
I've found that there are many men in the Bible who had suffered heartache and grief.
There was David who said, "My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear," -- Psalm 38:4.
There was Elijah who said, "I have had enough, LORD, take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." -- 1 Kings 19:4
There was Jonah who said, "And I am so angry I wish I were dead," -- Jonah 4:9
There was Job, a righteous man of God who remained faithful all his life still felt suffering when he said, "Why did I not perish at birth, and die as I came from the world?" -- Job 3:11. "I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil," -- Job 3:26. "I loathe my very life; therefore, I will give free rein to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul," -- Job 10:1
And even our perfect Jesus, who was brought to this world to free us of our suffering, also suffered. "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch. Abba, Father, everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will." -- Mark 14:34-36. The shortest and yet most powerful verse in the bible is "Jesus wept," -- John 11:35. The Son of God felt pain and sorrow. He also suffered through the most grousome and horrific pain on his way to a death that was done for me and you. His death was my gain.
God never promised an earthly life that would be free from suffering but He did promise an eternal life where I can leave my depression and sorrow at the gate. It helps so much in believing that. I'm going through some dark times, yes, but it's not meant to last. Even when those figures in the Bible mentioned above were suffering the Savior was still there understanding the pain and hurt, and gave them hope and compassion. He still does the same for all of us. He is a healer and a friend and I know He meets me right where I am.
This depression will not control me. It will not define me. I have a God that is more powerful than anything Satan will throw my way. Even in my darkest days, I hold HIM close. God is bigger than depression.