"Be still and know that I am God" -- Psalm 46:10
That verse has been constantly popping in my head for the last few weeks but I've been standing still impatiently waiting for God to turn my current situation around. Where is He? Why does He seem so distant? Why is He testing me so much?
Recently, I was diagnosed with a genetic disorder called Basal Cell Nevus Syndrome. It's the reason why I've been getting skin cancer … and it's not just one or two spots … it's all over my face. Every time I feel my face or look in the mirror I find another spot. Now I'm told this is something I may have for the rest of my life. Why, Lord, are you punishing me? Is it because of all those times I stepped outside without putting sunscreen on? My teachers used to talk about the hole in the ozone layer and how it would slowly kill us all … maybe they were on to something.
For awhile I kept telling myself it could be worse and there are people battling with something more extreme than this. Honestly, I sometimes feel it would be better if I was given a fatal disease instead. So far there are three scars on my face from surgery and if I have to keep getting Mohs surgery on every spot that has developed and will develop on my face I'm going to look like the Elephant Man from that 1980 film. So, when I say death would be a better option please don't try to convince me otherwise. Also, I wish people would stop telling me I look good and my skin is healing nicely because I do own several mirrors and cringe at every recent picture that's taken of me.
On top of this, my mother is slowly dying, my father may have prostate cancer, my husband is recovering from another surgery and has been in pain, my sister lost her father-in-law, a friend is going through a terrible separation from her husband with an 11 year old son caught in the middle, and so on.
2020 you aren't looking very good so far!
Be still ...