She Has Glasses!

 

My daughter started complaining about her eyes and how words were blurry when she tried to read.  This seemed to come suddenly and after a trip to the eye doctor it was clear that she was having issues and needed eye glasses.  My husband and I are both in our forties and have yet to need glasses so it wasn't something I was expecting for my children.  She loves wearing them and they look great on her.  

School starts in a few weeks and even though things are going to start out very differently than previous years we are going to embrace the change as best as we can.  I'm grateful this school district is providing several different options and we have decided to send the kids for all 5 days.  As much as I hate they have to wear face masks all day my husband and I both believe it's imperative that they have as much normalcy as possible.   I have often thought of how fun homeschooling would be but these kids need to be in school.  They like being out of the house and among friends and teachers.  It's good for them.  With school also starts the dance season and fall baseball.  Our schedules are going to be extremely busy, rushing from one place to another.  So, for the next two weeks we are gong to enjoy the last of our down time.  

A Beach Trip and A Birthday

 The last time I wrote I was struggling very badly.  The point of my blog is not only to practice writing but to share my experiences, both good and bad.  I'm real and honest, opened to share my vulnerability, because who knows who is reading this that may feel they are alone in their own battles.  My depression is always there; sometimes it hides behind a smile and some laughter, but it's a struggle I deal with every moment of every day.  Some days I'm good at pushing it on the back burner as I go through the motions of the day and other times I just can't focus at all.  Lately, I've lost that focus completely and the desire to do anything.  I knew I couldn't keep going on that way, especially with being a mother, so I called my doctor and went back on medicine.  I'm feeling better, at least enough to get through the days.  

I'm not going to keep focused on that, though.  Now onto happier things.  

Last Thursday we took a day trip to a beach along the Chesapeake Bay.  We've been to this beach a few times before and it's only a two hour drive for us so it's easy to make it a day trip.  As we drove the rain started pouring down and I felt such nervousness about continuing the journey.  I tried to convince my husband to turn around because according to the radar on my phone the rain was going to hit Maryland all day.  He insisted we keep going and make the best of it.  I kept checking my phone to see if the radar was changing and also the beach's website to see if they were going to close as I silently prayed that God could allow a good day for us.  Later I found out my husband and both kids were also praying at the same time ... and God eventually listened.  When we arrived at the beach it was still raining and the guy at the gate said the sand and water area was closed but we could still go in and wait it out.  We sat in the car and ate our picnic lunch and watched as the rain got lighter.  The beach opened and we headed to the sand.  It was still drizzling but we had fun walking along the shore, dipping our feet into the water and being careful of all the jellyfish that passed by.  We were the only ones on the beach for a long time.  Eventually the rain stopped and some people came but it wasn't packed and we were able to stay distant from others.  It turned out to be a great day.  

My daughter just celebrated her ninth birthday over the weekend.  The years are flying by and I'm so afraid if I blink I'm going to miss out on something.  She's a strong and feisty one, who knows what she wants and demands she gets it.  She's also super sweet and affectionate and is always asking me to snuggle with her.  She's a mini version of myself but I truly hope that she goes further in life than I could have ever imagined.  She's going into the fourth grade and feeling nervous about moving up to a grade that will be more challenging.  Academically she struggles and always needs a push to get motivated but I know she's going to do great things with her future.  Getting ready to start her sixth year of dance she is now in what they call the "performance division" and is also in her first year of competitive dance.  We'll see how that goes.  The start of the school and dance year is going to look a lot different than what we're used to, thanks Covid, but we will embrace the changes and do what we can to make sure she stays on track with everything.  I'm so blessed to have this little girl in my life and what an honor it has been to be her mother.  

We weren't planning to have a party for her this year but she wanted one.  She understood the importance of keeping it small so she only invited three friends.  The rain kept us inside but she had a blast and loved the company and all of the gifts.  Here's to an amazing ninth year, Princess!  

My Battle

I tried to give myself a moment of peace alone in my bedroom with my bible and some focus on prayer.  I was feeling my emotions come crashing down and I needed that moment.  Then came the sweet little voice from the living room shouting, "MMMMMOOOOOOOMMMMMM!"

So, with a chuckle I said, "Sorry, God, this is going to have to wait."

That's what life has been lately.  Being pulled in one direction after another.  Normally, I'm okay with it but lately I'm losing focus.  Like yesterday when making my husband and son grilled cheese sandwiches I went into another room to work on something else and totally forgot about their lunch, which ended up burning on the stove.  I promised to fix it and my sweetheart son said, "It's okay, Mom I don't mind it burnt."  I thanked him for the comment but I made them new ones, anyway.  

The grilled cheese is just one example of my messes lately.  I'm forgetting a lot lately, losing focus, or simply not even thinking at all.  My mind goes numb.  My body gets weak.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going to pass out and sometimes I feel like I'm going to throw up.  I haven't felt this bad in a very long time.  Last week I wrote a blog about my current state of depression and although I am grateful to those who left comments I ended up deleting it.  I just didn't want the focus to be on me and I hate when I selfishly start talking about myself.  So many people around me are suffering right now with heartbreaks, physical issues or mental issues.  I've always been willingly there for people and I love the chance to listen and offer myself to those in need.  We are in very hard times right now as we battle through this uncertainty that the virus has caused, what we are seeing going on in our nation with all the violence, and many things people are experiencing in their personal lives.  It's a hard season for everyone and I want to continue being the person that supports and encourages others.  

The truth is, I can't completely be that person right now and I'm starting to understand that it's okay.  In order for me to be the strength for others I need to first have strength within myself.  One day last week I went into my backyard and sat on my patio sofa.  I looked into the sky and became mentally numb.  I had no feelings and no desires.  I was unfocused.  In that moment it felt like everything inside me was dying and I started to feel what I had felt many years ago.  I wanted to die.  I needed to die.  Then my husband and kids came outside.  My husband and daughter sat next to me and my son began swinging his baseball bat.  Even though the numbness was still there I realized, I can't have these feelings because these three beside me need me.  I spent that evening asking God for direction knowing that I might need to go back on medication and counseling, as much as I hate doing that.  I don't know what is going on with my head but I can't have this, not now.  

My daughter has a birthday coming up next weekend that she's very excited about.  We're having a few friends over to help her celebrate and I'm trying to plan the day.  Normally these are the things that excite me but instead I've been feeling out of touch with what I need to focus on.  I love being a mom and everything that comes with being a mom but I'm losing that focus too ... and that is not okay with me.  

I'm still here for those who need me, always, but I need to give myself that time to find myself again.  Because I can't help those who are fighting their own battles when I, myself, am weak.