My Battle

I tried to give myself a moment of peace alone in my bedroom with my bible and some focus on prayer.  I was feeling my emotions come crashing down and I needed that moment.  Then came the sweet little voice from the living room shouting, "MMMMMOOOOOOOMMMMMM!"

So, with a chuckle I said, "Sorry, God, this is going to have to wait."

That's what life has been lately.  Being pulled in one direction after another.  Normally, I'm okay with it but lately I'm losing focus.  Like yesterday when making my husband and son grilled cheese sandwiches I went into another room to work on something else and totally forgot about their lunch, which ended up burning on the stove.  I promised to fix it and my sweetheart son said, "It's okay, Mom I don't mind it burnt."  I thanked him for the comment but I made them new ones, anyway.  

The grilled cheese is just one example of my messes lately.  I'm forgetting a lot lately, losing focus, or simply not even thinking at all.  My mind goes numb.  My body gets weak.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going to pass out and sometimes I feel like I'm going to throw up.  I haven't felt this bad in a very long time.  Last week I wrote a blog about my current state of depression and although I am grateful to those who left comments I ended up deleting it.  I just didn't want the focus to be on me and I hate when I selfishly start talking about myself.  So many people around me are suffering right now with heartbreaks, physical issues or mental issues.  I've always been willingly there for people and I love the chance to listen and offer myself to those in need.  We are in very hard times right now as we battle through this uncertainty that the virus has caused, what we are seeing going on in our nation with all the violence, and many things people are experiencing in their personal lives.  It's a hard season for everyone and I want to continue being the person that supports and encourages others.  

The truth is, I can't completely be that person right now and I'm starting to understand that it's okay.  In order for me to be the strength for others I need to first have strength within myself.  One day last week I went into my backyard and sat on my patio sofa.  I looked into the sky and became mentally numb.  I had no feelings and no desires.  I was unfocused.  In that moment it felt like everything inside me was dying and I started to feel what I had felt many years ago.  I wanted to die.  I needed to die.  Then my husband and kids came outside.  My husband and daughter sat next to me and my son began swinging his baseball bat.  Even though the numbness was still there I realized, I can't have these feelings because these three beside me need me.  I spent that evening asking God for direction knowing that I might need to go back on medication and counseling, as much as I hate doing that.  I don't know what is going on with my head but I can't have this, not now.  

My daughter has a birthday coming up next weekend that she's very excited about.  We're having a few friends over to help her celebrate and I'm trying to plan the day.  Normally these are the things that excite me but instead I've been feeling out of touch with what I need to focus on.  I love being a mom and everything that comes with being a mom but I'm losing that focus too ... and that is not okay with me.  

I'm still here for those who need me, always, but I need to give myself that time to find myself again.  Because I can't help those who are fighting their own battles when I, myself, am weak.