Welcome To My Messy, Not Close to Perfect Home

 

It has been my goal to have a home that is welcoming for all, but more importantly, a home that my family can come into after a long day of school or work and enter feeling comforted, loved, supported, and at peace.  A place that provides coziness away from all the outside elements.  A place they can come to and be heard, understood and accepted.  I'm failing miserably at providing this.  

The house is always a mess and nothing in it screams coziness.  My husband and I end up arguing over the silliest little things and my kids clearly state how much they hate hearing it.  My daughter says something and is quickly shot down by her big brother and then I have to correct him on being rude, to which he responds with more attitude and a refusal to admit he said something impolite.  It's been an uphill battle.  

My goal has also been to break generational curses - I come with many.  As a child I felt like I was never heard or understood.  Whatever I had to say or however I felt didn't seem to matter.  I also heard my parents fighting a lot.  My husband also dealt with parents who fought a lot and eventually divorced.  We are not our parents and in our home we can make it however we choose but it's been difficult.  It's been difficult for my husband and I to connect in a way that will provide the peace our children need all of the time.  It's only some of the time.  It's been difficult to even go on an outing or family vacation without some kind of disagreement.  I want to provide for my kids all the things I never had (emotionally speaking).  It's been difficult for me to not become easily angered and frustrated because that was exactly how I was raised to be.  That's how my father was raised to be.  

When my daughter came home last Friday upset because of what had gone on with her friends I showed a little frustration that she wasn't honest with me when it had first happened.  When the vice principal called to tell me what was going on I hadn't a clue what had happened and no information to provide to him that was her side of the story.  In that very moment of her finding out her best friend since the preschool years no longer wanted to be her friend, she needed me.  She needed my arms to comfort her and she needed my kind words to console her.  Instead, I was focused on her not telling me the truth right away.  But then I immediately apologized and fixed it.  I told her I should not have acted that way and she told me she understood.  She apologized for not telling me everything.  I told her I understood it was all too much for her little heart to absorb and her mind to understand.  So, after that I did all I could to give her a great weekend where she could free her mind from the burden of it all.  I watched as she felt so betrayed as I did whatever I could to remind her that it was her family and her faith in God that mattered beyond anything else in the world.  I learned to be nothing but patient with her in the time she needed to feel sad.  Her heart was breaking.  I couldn't repair it but I could help carry her through it.  

Last night she began talking about Taylor Swift, someone my husband cannot stand.  He immediately stopped her and said he was tired of hearing it.  She began to cry.  In that moment she felt her thoughts didn't matter and she wasn't able to say whatever was on her mind, even if it was about an overly popularized singer.  It didn't matter to him but it did to her.  This had me very angry.  I tried to get him to understand and it just resulted in an argument, which had Bri feeling even more sad.  This is the cycle I'm trying so hard to stop.  It's frustrating.

I read many blogs where everyone shares the day to day joys in their lives and I realize that those are the things people want to read.  Who wants to read about drama and negativity?  But sometimes I would like to know that I am not alone.  I feel alone when I read all the fun, cozy, happy-go-lucky blogs.  So here I am stating all of my struggles, letting you know that I am a human with a lot of battles and if you are stumbling on this page with something heavy on your heart and dealing with a life that is messy and uncertain ... you aren't alone.  

It's been a rough week!  Thankfully starting tomorrow my kids have a 4 day weekend and it ends with me turning 45.  Yikes!