Running on Empty

I pulled into the gas station just as the needle on the fuel gauge was at empty mark.  Running out of gas on a 95° day wouldn't have been good, and I've done that already before.  

It seems as though my gas tank wasn't the only thing almost running empty.  I've been feeling that way for a long time and it only seems to be getting worse.  With this being the last week of school I'm hoping things will be better during summer break.  I cannot wait for summer break.

I'm only at work for five hours but in those five hours I'm on my feet running back and forth from the cafeteria to the kitchen over and over again.  By the time I get home my feet are on fire and I can barely walk.  Then I go home to a house that is constantly a mess.  When I try to get my children involved in helping it ends up turning into a fit.  I remember when they were smaller and so willing to help out.  Now, I have to take away the television, video games, etc. until they finish cleaning.  It still becomes quite a hassle.  There is always something that needs cleaned and it doesn't help when my husband pitches a fit when stumbling upon one of those messes.  I don't have an eight hour desk job.  I'm on my feet all day and by the end of the day I'm feeling shot.  Is life supposed to be this crazy?    

Aside from all that I've been dealing with some foot pain and pain in another unmentionable part of my body.  Sometimes I feel a tingly sensation in my head.  Most of the time I'm exhausted.  

I'm also getting lazy when it comes to fitness and knowing how important it is to stay in shape for health reasons but lacking energy to do anything about it.  The plan is to get moving during break.

I post endless amounts of pictures on social media of smiling faces in fun places but behind the scenes is often a different story.  Yesterday we took the kids to Hershey Park.  I was hoping it would be a fun day of no arguing.  I begged my husband to just allow it to be a peaceful experience.  It wasn't.  My ten year old daughter isn't quite ready for the roller-coasters, although I'm proud to say she tried out two.  My husband is always pressuring the kids to go on rides they are too scared to go on and when I tell him to let it go it turns into an argument.  Every time I suggest something or say something it turns into an argument and he's so good at making it seem like it's all my fault and I can see my son is getting frustrated with me.  He's also developing his father's attitude, even though it's been said many times that my daughter is getting mine.  I know I'm not always right in my words and actions and I won't put the blame fully on my husband.  It's just very hard and it seems to be getting even harder to get along.  If there's one thing I never wanted to do it was for either one of us to talk negatively to each other in front of the kids but we've been doing it.  Some days it feels so easy to just give up.  I don't want to give up but I don't want to keep living like this.  Somethings have to change.  During one of our arguments my son said, "This is why I don't want to ever get married."  I don't want him to feel this way because marriage can be so rewarding and fulfilling and I don't want him to miss out just because his parents have fallen into a funk, which is only temporary. 

I'm hoping these summer days will bring much needed time for getting the important things done as well as giving me a chance to unwind and refuel.  

Adulthood is hard.  

Letting Go

 “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” --John 16:33

My mind has been going crazy lately.  My anxiety is through the roof.  Troubles at work, troubles at home, troubles in our nation.  I'm not sure how much more my mind can take.  

This world is so troubled and it was scaring me to think about.   Then as I was conversing with God He reminded me of John 16:33.  We are going to see plenty of hard times in our life but in the end, when it's all said and done, none of this is going to matter.  In the end God will win.  In the end the people who were wrong will recieve their punishment and will learn the truth.  I can't be concerned with the troubles of this world.  I can only give it to God and trust that He will take care of it all in His time.  

I'm going to do my best to give it all to Him and go about my day focusing on all the good there still is.  

Today was Fun Day at school and I got to take a quick break from work and get this picture with my girl.  It was a beach theme and all the kids sounded like they were having a blast.  One more week of school for her and two more for the boy.  I am looking forward to a restful summer.  

Life is Precious.

As I stood at work today (I'm a lunch lady in an elementary school if you didn't know) I looked at all the children with a very heavy heart.  I have a paper that shows my job description and everything I need to do during my time there.  It's never been mentioned and it goes unnoted, but I know one of my jobs is to be a human body shield if needed.  Jumping in front of a child before the bullet hits them, yes I would do that.  

I was thinking of my own children and how devastating it would be if I lost either of them.  How devastating it was for the parents of all nineteen kids who were taken so violently yesterday.  I can't imagine.  I don't want to imagine.

Last night I jumped on Facebook, which I use to keep in touch with out of state family but it also serves as an outlet for me at times, and already the anti-gun comments were being shared.  Now is just not the time.  I decided, for my own sanity to just stay off of that site for a while.  I didn't turn the news on this morning but instead spent some time in the Word.  As soon as I got to work a co-worker started her gun rant so I shut it down quickly and walked away.  A few other co-workers asked how I was doing and what I thought about the situation.  Today was just hard.  

Last night I also watched the series finale of This Is Us.  It's a show about a family from Pittsburg and goes into several different scenarios that each one in the family has faced from childhood onto adulthood.  I've been watching it since the beginning.  The show follows the mother's slow progression through Alzheimer's.  The last episode took place at her funeral.  It might just be a show to a lot of people but it's my reality.  It's what I'm facing and will be facing with my own mother, who is currently in mid-stage Alzheimer's.  So, that too, brought me down.

When I came home from work I played in the dirt and did some planting.  It's amazing what time outside and a little Vitamin D can do ... but not too much Vitamin D ... because I have Basal Cell Nevus Syndrome (continuous skin cancer).  

I'm also feeling emotional at the fact that after next week my daughter, the youngest, will be finished with elementary school and on her way to middle school.  My son will be onto high school.  It's crazy how time flies.  It's pretty sad, actually.  

Life is precious.  It's unpredictable.  It's ever-changing.  It's precious!  

Thanks for letting me do a little emotional venting today!  

Eagles Mere, PA

 In the midst of trying to make it through a very busy month we stopped and took a quick getaway trip the weekend before our anniversary.  I had no idea where we were going, another one of my husband's surprises.  He planned it all.  

Heading north we arrived at a town called Eagles Mere.  It's a small community in the mountains, laid out just as it was in the 1800s.  We stayed at a historic bed and breakfast and enjoyed time at the lake and exploring the popular part of town.  We managed to get in some hiking.  

It's a nice place if you're looking to go somewhere relaxing.  Admittedly, I just wasn't feeling the mood to enjoy a vacation.  It had been a long week at work where I was feeling stressed, my feet were hurting, and my depression was hitting hard.  I just couldn't leave it all behind.  My poor husband, after planning our trip with a feeling of excitement, had to deal with my irritable mood.  So I basically spent the time watching my husband and kids as they played in the creek.  

As we walked around town the aspiring writer in me kept thinking how this place would make a great setting for a book.  We also admired the large, beautiful homes that surrounded the lake.  

Even in my bad mood it was a nice getaway.   

20 Years of Oneness

 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." -- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Those verses were spoken at our wedding, are displayed on the wall above our bed and have been the words we've promised to surround our marriage in.  At times we've failed to be patient, to be kind, have easily allowed anger to get in the way, have done things that lost trust for awhile, but our love for each other has not failed.  Here we are twenty years after saying I do.  That's two decades of building a life together.   Of being supportive of each other's successes and failures.  Being together in good health and even more so in times of sickness.  Supporting each other's dreams and praying for each other daily.  In all the good times and the bad moments, we have held on.

We've learned what it takes to make our marriage work.  We are still learning.  

It's hard to believe we have reached twenty years of oneness.  Together we created a life with two kids that can often feel chaotic, overwhelming, busy and stressful but I don't think I'd change anything (except maybe having a cleaner more organized house) and I'm glad to experience it all with my Robby.  

The day of our anniversary was spent watching our daughter in her last elementary school band/chorus concert.  I embraced the moment thinking of how proud I am.  The next day Rob surprised me with a delicious dinner in a private room at a restaurant with our kids, my parents, his mom, his sister and her boyfriend.  Our son played our wedding song on his guitar followed by Rob presenting me with a new engagement ring.  I'm ready to tackle the next twenty years.  

Mother's Day recap

 I try to be as real as I can be, so I won't mind sharing that the start of my Mother's Day was with the kids fighting and that lasted on and off all day.  I was also reprimanded by my father later that evening for not visiting my mother, even though he sent a text earlier in the day saying not to call until after 4 because she needed to rest and then I couldn't get through to them until 7.  The guilt I felt.  What I would have liked to have spent the day with my mother, especially when never knowing if this will be the last Mother's Day with her.  

But aside from all that, the day was good.  I was presented with a delicious pancake and fruit breakfast, had also been served lunch and dinner too.  After breakfast I was given a basket filled with a lot of thoughtful gifts.  

We didn't have enough time to get ready for church so we watched from home.  I seem to be more comfortable watching church from home.  It's probably not good to miss out on the fellowship with others but sometimes it's just good to be home.  Then I got the last minute idea to visit a zoo that's located 47 miles north of us.  My son and I had gone over the summer but I've been wanting to take my husband and daughter.   I love animals and they have quite a variety from birds, monkeys, zebras, lions, bears, goats, etc.  Oh, and my favorite of all.  

A sloth!

I'm convinced I was a sloth in a past life.  I consider them to be my spirit animal.  This is Chewy.  Isn't she cute?

I'll share some more pictures. 

On the way home we stopped for ice cream.  

Aside from the fighting and wining it was a good day.  I'm grateful for my family.  

My Mother's Day Prayer

Today is a day to celebrate mothers.  I've been blessed to have given birth to two healthy babies.  My thoughts are always with those that can't.

And as the country is currently fighting between the right of an unborn child vs. the rights of women I feel this incredible desire to spend the day praying.  Praying for the young women out there right now who found out they are pregnant but not willing or feeling able to bring the child into the world.  I pray they recieve comfort, support, and the help needed.  I pray for a broken system where abortions are just a few hundred dollars and adoption is in the thousands.  I pray for the children currently in foster care desperately hoping to find a family to love them.  

I pray we can stop fighting.  I pray we can figure out how to give all life a chance.  

A Busy Month And Bunnies

 We have entered May, which has got to be our busiest month of the year.  A new season of baseball has started, my daughter is preparing for her June dance recital and will also be performing in her school's talent show and a band/chorus concert.  We will soon be celebrating 20 years of marriage and also have a few birthdays in the mix.  It's a lot.  But I wouldn't trade it for anything.  

And as hubby was doing some yard work he discovered 4 baby bunnies in the fire pit.  By the time me and Bri got home to see it there were only two left.  Unfortunately, my son was away at camp during that time so he missed them but oh they were so cute.  

They are gone now and I can only hope they are okay.  I just love nature.  

But as far as Mother Nature goes, she really needs to make up her mind when it comes to weather.