30 Years of Pennsylvania Living

 

Pennsylvania is such a beautiful state offering mountains and valleys, rivers and lakes, farms and cities.  It's where chocolate is made, along with ice cream, potato chips, Harley motorcycles and so much more.  You really do get a mix of everything here (except for the ocean).  It's also where I found love and together we created two beautiful children.  It seems as though life couldn't get much sweeter (Hershey chocolate pun) here.  

However, there are things about living here that have been difficult.

We moved out of Long Island in August of 1992.  That means we have officially hit the 30 year mark.  

14 year old me walking the dog in our new Lancaster County neighborhood

My parents were struggling financially and made a decision to leave family and friends for an easier life in PA, following my grandparents who made the move first.  In my opinion, it was a selfish decision.  It didn't seem to bother my dad to leave his other children and grandchildren behind.  In fact, he often voiced his disappointment that no one else followed.  My brother and his second wife and the two kids he has with her did move here for a short time but moved back because he was unhappy here and missed the kids he has from his first wife.  My aunt and uncle moved here and then quickly moved back because they missed their kids.  My dad couldn't understand it.  Why would someone rather be close to family than live in a place where they didn't have to work so hard to keep up with the bills?  Well, I think most of us see that nothing is better than the value of family.  Also, there is just something about living along the ocean.  

The move was hard for me.  I finished 7th grade, my first year of junior high and my first year of being a teenager.  That was the year I made new friends  and was finally gaining a little independence.  I was in a very awkward stage but coming to find my way.  Then, against my will, it was all taken from me.  My siblings are much older and were able to make that decision to stay.  I had to go.  I hated it so much.  I had my parents and my grandparents but that was it.  I was torn from my siblings, my nieces and nephews (I had one nephew and two nieces at the time and we were very close ... since then the family has increased exponentially).  I was torn from my aunts, uncles and cousins, which I had seen pretty regularly.  I was also torn from my friends and a life I was loving.  We moved into an apartment and I attended a middle school with snooty kids who looked at me as if I was an alien from another planet.  I did make a few friends but after just three months we bought a house and I had to start a new middle school.  Immediately, I made a few friends but it wasn't a place that felt like home and those "friends" caused more agony for me than actual friendship (that's an other story).  I struggled a lot.  I struggled with depression to the point that I became suicidal.  What was the point of living if I was living a life I didn't ask for and a life I hated?  

Things weren't all that bad here in Pennsylvania but I always thought about what things would be like if I was still on Long Island and how much I hated being far from family.  I know it's common for people to move out of state and it seems to come easy for most, but not for me.  I also made a lot of bad choices along the way and eventually I found a relationship with Jesus Christ and even though I've struggled with that relationship, it really does help me to be able to put things in perspective.  I realize that even though I don't understand the move, He obviously has some kind of plan in it.  I still don't know what it is and why, but I'm trusting He has it all worked out.  Still, I'm stuck with a huge burden.

What's the burden?  Well, my grandparents have been gone a long time.  My parents are older and their health is deteriorating.  My mother suffered a stroke 10 years ago and now has Alzheimer's.  She cannot walk unassisted, is barely understandable when she speaks, and needs to be waited on hand and foot.  That's a lot for my dad to handle every day and he refuses to put her in a nursing home until it's absolutely necessary.  It's causing him unimaginable stress and he loses his patience quite often.  I can tell, by now, he regrets the decision to move out of Long Island.  I'm all he has here.  Just one person.  One person raising two active kids and my free time is very limited.  He tries so hard to get time together and when he has to go to the doctor or have surgery it's up to me to watch my mom for him.  Thankfully with his last surgery, my aunt and uncle made the trip to stay with them for the week.  I wouldn't have been able to do it.  He depends on me to be there when he needs someone, or just to have someone around for company.  They'll go to my son's home games and sometimes they'll pick the kids up to see a movie, but it never seems to be enough.  Tomorrow he made plans to take my son fishing but then we found out my son has a playoff game in the evening and he's not really feeling up for fishing anyway.  So, my dad feels like he loses again.  The pressure is put on me.  Of course, I'm happy to do what I can for my parents.  Regardless of the agony this move has caused me, staying here as an adult was a decision I made so that they wouldn't be alone.  I could have moved back to Long Island or maybe even somewhere else but I stayed.  I, again, pushed my own happiness aside for someone else.  I do that all the time but no one notices.  I made the decision to get married and have children.  We don't want those children sitting around at home all day becoming consumed in laziness so we have them involved in activities.  Those activities keep our calendar filled and allows less time for my dad and I get how that's frustrating to him.  It leaves me torn.  Torn and frustrated, confused and burdened.  

Eventually, my parents will be gone from this earth and the burden of being the only one in the state to help will be gone.  I'll feel sad about that, for sure.  I'll also feel the frustration of being the only one on my side of the family here while everyone else is on Long Island.  

I have created my own little family here.  My husband, my son and daughter.  They are wonderful.  They are the light at the end of this long tunnel but that doesn't take away the burden of being the only family member my parents have.  My siblings barely make the trip, which I understand isn't easy to do.  They, too, are busy and traveling from NY to PA is not exactly cheap.  I get it.  They had the choice to stay and live a life they chose.  Their burden is not having their parents close by.  How easy it would have been for my dad to have many choices to choose from when he needed some help.  Now he only has one.  Me!  

I'm having a hard time with this lately and it's consuming me in my depression.  This is one of the reasons why I have been spending so much time in the Word, just hoping to get a revelation of peace and hope from it.  I love my life here in Pennsylvania, don't get me wrong.  It's just been quite a struggle and especially now with two ailing parents and being the only one present.  In actuality, it's a blessing and a burden mixed.  

What I love about journaling and blogging is that it helps me to express what I am feeling.  This post has left me feeling more depressed and I'll be spending the day trying to get out of this funk.  Maybe for August, being that it marks 30 years, I'll do daily posts on the good things I've gotten out of living here.