It Is What It Is

 I've been feeling very depressed and overwhelmed lately and have been fighting some thoughts I really do not want to have.  My main goal this summer was to search for peace and as I'm learning how to find it I'm also being heavily attacked by the enemy.  Spiritual warfare is a thing!  I want to be there for my parents as needed, I want to be there for my kids as needed, and even my friends.  It's been a very long time since I've hung out with any of my friends.  Have I allowed my kids to take on too many activities?  They enjoy keeping busy and I don't want to keep them from that but I also have to set aside time to be a daughter, a wife, and a friend.  It feels stressful.  I don't want to look back on my life and wish I would have made different choices.  I'm sure I will.  I already think that when I look back on what already was.  It's impossible to please everyone, but I think everyone has already figured that one out by now.  

My dad has been trying to get together with the kids and shoots down every suggestion I make, except this Friday.  This Friday we'll be able to see them.  I feel bad I can't offer more of ourselves to them.  It's no fault of theirs, it's just how life works.  My husband seemed really annoyed with me last night when I resisted his plea for some intimacy and I feel bad saying no but I don't appreciate his reaction to it.  I mean, yeah, it's needed in a marriage but I feel so exhausted by the end of the day and then I feel like that's another person I've disappointed.  

I was hoping for a better summer.  A summer where we would have more free time to be available to those who want our company.  Some free time for family fun and maybe a few vacations, although money seemed to be the culprit with that one.  

I also found out this morning that one of the two biopsies I got at the dermatologist is going to need a Mohs Surgery.  I've lost count on how many Mohs I've already had.  This one will be on the top of my head so it makes me worry if I'll lose some hair follicles in that location.  Nothing a hat or headband can't fix but it still annoying and is adding to my down in the dumps feeling today.  It's scheduled the end of September, which means I'll have to take a day off of work just one month after I start.  

I've been taking my husband to work this week while my car is in the shop.  He works in an area with hilly and windy roads and beautiful scenery.  Today we saw a few deer cross the road and a little Bambi jumping happily through a field.  I wish I was camera ready at that time.  Then I take my daughter to her dance workshop, so far she is really loving dance more than ever this year.  My son and I  hang out at home until she's ready to be picked up but yesterday I took him to the trampoline park.  So, in the midst of the chaos we are finding some ways to have fun.  

We are looking forward to the county fair tonight.