Sometimes people from my past just randomly pop into my head and, to be honest, I may do a random Facebook search to see what they are up to these days. Curiosity gets me sometimes as I do wish the best for everyone. The other day I began thinking about an old boss. This man owned an insurance company and I began working as his receptionist sometime in the year 2001. It was just the two of us in the office and my job was easy. Things started out great and then suddenly he stopped showing up for work. He was the only one with the key so he would come by to let me in and then leave for most of the day. He told me he was having marital problems and needed to be present to handle those things with her. I did my best to manage things around the office but eventually he stopped showing up at all. I waited in the car for him but gave up after a few hours. I then gave up after a few days of waiting. He never called to tell me what was going on. A few weeks later I emailed asking for my last paycheck. He responded and told me it was in the mail, apologized for what had happened and told me he was working at restoring his marriage because he felt that was right. No explanation as to why he just let me go like that but I did get the impression that his wife did not like the fact that he had a young girl working for him. I was in my early twenties, engaged and needing employment. I hadn't thought about him since, until just a few days ago. His name popped into my head and I was curious to see if he was still in business. After a Google search I came across an obituary from December of 2014 and then another article that talked about how he had intentionally jumped from the top of a hotel building.
I'm not sure why he popped into my head and I'm not sure why it happened 11 years after his death but I do feel bad for his family and all who knew him. This news has weighed heavily on my heart since finding out. Tim seemed like a nice guy and by our conversations I could tell he had a very conservative lifestyle and was a man of faith. He was always talking about his children. That goes to show that depression can get to anyone.
I think back to my own story of battling depression. I feel as if I had experienced it for as long as I can remember. I was always different from everyone around me - not caring about fitting in and not concerned at all for my future. I couldn't even see myself in a future. By the time the teen years came I was cutting myself with a knife and trying to figure out ways to die. My emotional pain was so high that I couldn't even put a smile on my face if I tried. I did have to go through treatment, years of therapy and anti-depressant medication. I made bad choices in hopes to find relief from the pain but it was not until I gave myself fully to Christ at 19 that I started feeling hope for a future. Even now I still wrestle with some heavy thoughts but I find some of these things help:
😃 Stepping outside under the sunshine
😃 A hot shower
😃Physical exercise
😃Connecting with a friend
😃Journaling
😃Going to church
😃Studying God's Word
😃Praying
And more importantly, I remind myself that being born into this world meant God wanted me here. I have purpose for being here, even on the days when it feels like I don't. He knows me. He loves me. He guides me. He created me. He created you, also and with a purpose and a plan. Maybe you are filled with feelings of confusion and sadness to the point of not being sure if you can live another day with it, but I beg you to hold on and I assure you with time things will get better. As Annie said, "The sun will come out tomorrow." Maybe not even tomorrow, but eventually. If you can't bear to get through, seek help. It's there. Hang on, even if it's just by a thread. The world is a better place because you are here.
I think back to the girl of just 14 years old, sitting on the bed with a knife to the wrist, not understanding what purpose I had in life and feeling so much pain for what I had been put through. Now, here I am, on my 47th birthday with a house, a husband and two awesome kids, and a desire to help people in need through writing.
Maybe it's not you, but I do feel like someone needed this today. Keep holding on! You are worth it!
Oh Dawn! Bless your heart for allowing yourself to be so vulnerable. And yes, but sharing our past experiences we help others. We’re supposed to bear one another’s burdens so keeping quiet doesn’t exalt God’s Glory on how He saw us through. Christians get depression too but most won’t admit it.!I’ve been where you once were - I used to cut on myself too in HS. I battled depression for decades. It’s a horrible experience and then when my son died at age 25, my old companion showed up again. I haven’t had a bad bout of depression almost 20 years because the best anti- depressants is my Bible and my constant contact with the source of all life. Praise be to God.
ReplyDeleteYou have a purpose, Dawn Marie and you’re right - someone will be helped by your honest sharing about your struggles.
So sad about your former boss. My mom committed suicide 17 years ago. It’s a terrible thing for those left behind.
Dawn, thank you for sharing your story and this very sad story about your former boss. We just never know what someone is going through, do we? Life is tough and complicated and beautiful, all at the same time. Even as Christians, we experience times of confusion and wondering why and what our purpose is. But there are so many scriptures that tell us the Lord created us; knit us together, created us for good works and even more. We are here for a purpose and it takes a lifetime of walking with HIM to do it all. I'm so glad you found the Lord all those years ago and now your testimony can help others who have similar feelings. That's what our testimonies are all about.
ReplyDeleteKeep letting the Lord lead your writing and you will touch hearts and God will use you to change lives.
Happy and Blessed Birthday, my dear friend. And thank you for opening your heart and soul today. Everyone has a cross we carry, and so many times we carry it in silence. I did with my anxiety and OCD for so long, in fact until I couldn't anymore. Menopause was too much for me to handle on top of things. But, honestly, I am glad that I finally shared and allowed others to know what was happening. That and therapy, medicine, and GOD are helping me every single day. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteYou're fortunate that you were able to get through some painful times in your life. I live in Saudi Arabia except for the two months I return to the States for vacation. When away from the country for extended periods of time, upon returning the decline in American's mental and economic well-being hits one like a ton of bricks. I noticed more anger, road rage, unhappiness and isolation that was not the case years ago. People are inside teleworking, ordering food. groceries, binge watching crap on TV and glued to screens. They don't poke their noses outside as everything is delivered. Humans were not wired for isolation and this decline in culture is insidious. You don't see this overseas and it looks like the government, corporations, media, social media are boiling people slowly like frogs, making huge profits...and the tragic thing is
ReplyDeleteaverage folks don't see what is going on.
Dawn, thank you for sharing your story. Both a bit of the dark part as well as how far God has brought you since that 14 year old girl was hurting herself. God is so faithful. I pray this post will not only be a light of encouragement to someone but also that the Lord will bless you for being willing to share!!
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