The Fair And A Little Covid

 Wednesday night we ventured to our county's fair, which is known as the world's oldest fair.  It used to be held in September but now has moved to July.  Every year it's the same but we enjoy riding some rides, seeing the animals and grabbing a snack.  They used to have monster truck shows we attended and have famous bands play concerts every night.  My husband and I saw 3 Doors Down there several years ago, in fact, on the night of September 11, 2001.  After a sad day it was very hard to get myself to enjoy the evening knowing what so many were going through.  I'm hoping one year we could take the kids to a concert.  

This is my favorite picture I took from "Goat Mountain."  My husband did a little editing on the color for me.  I'd love to print this one out for framing.  

We saw a lot of livestock, including my daughter's favorite - pigs.  There were even adorable piglets at just a few days old.  

We only had enough tickets for them to ride a few rides.  They wanted about 8 tickets per ride, which is crazy.  

And we can't leave out these adorable sea lions.  We missed the show but had a chance to hang out with them for a few minutes.  

While we were hanging out at the fair my daughter started complaining that her throat hurt.  I thought maybe it was from being around all of the animals.  She does have a little allergy to our guinea pigs.  Later that evening she wasn't getting any better.  The next morning her throat was still sore and she had the sniffles.  I, again, wrote it off as being allergy related.  My kids rarely get sick but they do suffer with allergies a lot.  She has had two weeks of dance workshops and had to go yesterday, the last day and with a show later in the evening she didn't want to miss dance.  After a few hours I got a text from the director that two teachers just tested positive for Covid and everyone was being sent home.  She still wasn't feeling well and to play it safe I had her use one of the at home tests we received in the mail a few months ago.  We were hopeful it would show up negative but ...

I find it incredible that we have made it this long without getting the virus but I guess it's now our time.  She's dealing with a sore throat, sniffles, cough, and a fever that goes up and down.  The poor girl is trapped in her bedroom with her tablet, tons of fluids and trying desperately to rest.  I'm feeling something brewing inside of me but so far it's nothing bad and I am not interested in testing myself yet.  The guys are feeling as good as normal and I hope it stays that way.  I'm trying to keep us all distanced and safe as possible.  When I talked to the nurse on the phone she said there has been a rise in cases lately but it's more like that flu.  So, if you believe in the power of prayer please lift one up for my sweet Brianna.  

It Is What It Is

 I've been feeling very depressed and overwhelmed lately and have been fighting some thoughts I really do not want to have.  My main goal this summer was to search for peace and as I'm learning how to find it I'm also being heavily attacked by the enemy.  Spiritual warfare is a thing!  I want to be there for my parents as needed, I want to be there for my kids as needed, and even my friends.  It's been a very long time since I've hung out with any of my friends.  Have I allowed my kids to take on too many activities?  They enjoy keeping busy and I don't want to keep them from that but I also have to set aside time to be a daughter, a wife, and a friend.  It feels stressful.  I don't want to look back on my life and wish I would have made different choices.  I'm sure I will.  I already think that when I look back on what already was.  It's impossible to please everyone, but I think everyone has already figured that one out by now.  

My dad has been trying to get together with the kids and shoots down every suggestion I make, except this Friday.  This Friday we'll be able to see them.  I feel bad I can't offer more of ourselves to them.  It's no fault of theirs, it's just how life works.  My husband seemed really annoyed with me last night when I resisted his plea for some intimacy and I feel bad saying no but I don't appreciate his reaction to it.  I mean, yeah, it's needed in a marriage but I feel so exhausted by the end of the day and then I feel like that's another person I've disappointed.  

I was hoping for a better summer.  A summer where we would have more free time to be available to those who want our company.  Some free time for family fun and maybe a few vacations, although money seemed to be the culprit with that one.  

I also found out this morning that one of the two biopsies I got at the dermatologist is going to need a Mohs Surgery.  I've lost count on how many Mohs I've already had.  This one will be on the top of my head so it makes me worry if I'll lose some hair follicles in that location.  Nothing a hat or headband can't fix but it still annoying and is adding to my down in the dumps feeling today.  It's scheduled the end of September, which means I'll have to take a day off of work just one month after I start.  

I've been taking my husband to work this week while my car is in the shop.  He works in an area with hilly and windy roads and beautiful scenery.  Today we saw a few deer cross the road and a little Bambi jumping happily through a field.  I wish I was camera ready at that time.  Then I take my daughter to her dance workshop, so far she is really loving dance more than ever this year.  My son and I  hang out at home until she's ready to be picked up but yesterday I took him to the trampoline park.  So, in the midst of the chaos we are finding some ways to have fun.  

We are looking forward to the county fair tonight.  

End of July

Here we are, another week among us.  Four more weeks until another school year begins.  It's amazing how slow and fast these summer days go by.  It's been a laid back summer for me and I'm enjoying the peace but as we're struggling a bit financially without my income I'm ready to get back to work.

Life is growing in my very small garden.  I planted later than usual and didn't go all out with it.  I'm trying to stay out of the sun as much as possible and am waiting to hear back from the dermatologist about two more biopsies.  

Last week my son went to scout camp.  It started rough for him but seemed to have gotten better.  I'm glad he's home and I know he is too.  This was the first year he stayed over without his dad and he stated he likes it better when he's there.  

My daughter has been so excited since finding out she got a solo in this year's competition.  She's been working hard and loves dancing.  It's going to be an exciting dance year for her and Mom and Dad will have an empty bank account because of it.  

I've been struggling a lot lately.  Feeling overwhelmed by a lot that's been going on around me.  The demands of being the only family here in PA for my parents is one thing.  I shared my thoughts on Facebook and it backfired.  I have since decided to just deactivate as I work out my issues on my own.  Social media can be a place where one shares their views and experiences in an attempt to help others in a similar situation.  Apparently, that's not for me.  So, I'll move on and deal with my situations alone and prayerfully.  I know I will get through this, along with everything else going on, it's just been weighing heavily on me lately.  One day at a time.  

Playoffs

 The last post I wrote came from a very dark place.  It's something I'm struggling with right now.  Figuring out how to be there for my parents while raising two very active kids.  After my dad's vulgar response to an email I sent offering to watch my mom while he fishes with a friend made me realize that I need to walk away.  Not entirely, they'll still be in my life, of course.  But I am not going to further worry about what I cannot control, especially when my efforts aren't appreciated.  My focus first and foremost is on my children.  I can see how much they are stressing out over the situation, too.  I won't allow that.  So, I'm taking it day by day and focusing on all my blessings.

Speaking of blessings ...

My son did fantastic in his playoff games.  The team lost the semi-finals and that has to do with errors, the other team being good, and an umpire who was apparently blind.  However, the season is over and I couldn't be more proud of how my guy did.  

Playoff game 1

Semi-finals

This kid plays his heart out and it shows.  Next spring will be on the high school field.  It's hard to imagine my boy, not even five feet tall yet, will be starting high school the end of next month.  I still can't quite accept that.  

Also, tonight he made chicken Alfredo for dinner, one of my favorites.  He's been wanting to cook for us and I'm so proud of him for it.  

30 Years of Pennsylvania Living

 

Pennsylvania is such a beautiful state offering mountains and valleys, rivers and lakes, farms and cities.  It's where chocolate is made, along with ice cream, potato chips, Harley motorcycles and so much more.  You really do get a mix of everything here (except for the ocean).  It's also where I found love and together we created two beautiful children.  It seems as though life couldn't get much sweeter (Hershey chocolate pun) here.  

However, there are things about living here that have been difficult.

We moved out of Long Island in August of 1992.  That means we have officially hit the 30 year mark.  

14 year old me walking the dog in our new Lancaster County neighborhood

My parents were struggling financially and made a decision to leave family and friends for an easier life in PA, following my grandparents who made the move first.  In my opinion, it was a selfish decision.  It didn't seem to bother my dad to leave his other children and grandchildren behind.  In fact, he often voiced his disappointment that no one else followed.  My brother and his second wife and the two kids he has with her did move here for a short time but moved back because he was unhappy here and missed the kids he has from his first wife.  My aunt and uncle moved here and then quickly moved back because they missed their kids.  My dad couldn't understand it.  Why would someone rather be close to family than live in a place where they didn't have to work so hard to keep up with the bills?  Well, I think most of us see that nothing is better than the value of family.  Also, there is just something about living along the ocean.  

The move was hard for me.  I finished 7th grade, my first year of junior high and my first year of being a teenager.  That was the year I made new friends  and was finally gaining a little independence.  I was in a very awkward stage but coming to find my way.  Then, against my will, it was all taken from me.  My siblings are much older and were able to make that decision to stay.  I had to go.  I hated it so much.  I had my parents and my grandparents but that was it.  I was torn from my siblings, my nieces and nephews (I had one nephew and two nieces at the time and we were very close ... since then the family has increased exponentially).  I was torn from my aunts, uncles and cousins, which I had seen pretty regularly.  I was also torn from my friends and a life I was loving.  We moved into an apartment and I attended a middle school with snooty kids who looked at me as if I was an alien from another planet.  I did make a few friends but after just three months we bought a house and I had to start a new middle school.  Immediately, I made a few friends but it wasn't a place that felt like home and those "friends" caused more agony for me than actual friendship (that's an other story).  I struggled a lot.  I struggled with depression to the point that I became suicidal.  What was the point of living if I was living a life I didn't ask for and a life I hated?  

Things weren't all that bad here in Pennsylvania but I always thought about what things would be like if I was still on Long Island and how much I hated being far from family.  I know it's common for people to move out of state and it seems to come easy for most, but not for me.  I also made a lot of bad choices along the way and eventually I found a relationship with Jesus Christ and even though I've struggled with that relationship, it really does help me to be able to put things in perspective.  I realize that even though I don't understand the move, He obviously has some kind of plan in it.  I still don't know what it is and why, but I'm trusting He has it all worked out.  Still, I'm stuck with a huge burden.

What's the burden?  Well, my grandparents have been gone a long time.  My parents are older and their health is deteriorating.  My mother suffered a stroke 10 years ago and now has Alzheimer's.  She cannot walk unassisted, is barely understandable when she speaks, and needs to be waited on hand and foot.  That's a lot for my dad to handle every day and he refuses to put her in a nursing home until it's absolutely necessary.  It's causing him unimaginable stress and he loses his patience quite often.  I can tell, by now, he regrets the decision to move out of Long Island.  I'm all he has here.  Just one person.  One person raising two active kids and my free time is very limited.  He tries so hard to get time together and when he has to go to the doctor or have surgery it's up to me to watch my mom for him.  Thankfully with his last surgery, my aunt and uncle made the trip to stay with them for the week.  I wouldn't have been able to do it.  He depends on me to be there when he needs someone, or just to have someone around for company.  They'll go to my son's home games and sometimes they'll pick the kids up to see a movie, but it never seems to be enough.  Tomorrow he made plans to take my son fishing but then we found out my son has a playoff game in the evening and he's not really feeling up for fishing anyway.  So, my dad feels like he loses again.  The pressure is put on me.  Of course, I'm happy to do what I can for my parents.  Regardless of the agony this move has caused me, staying here as an adult was a decision I made so that they wouldn't be alone.  I could have moved back to Long Island or maybe even somewhere else but I stayed.  I, again, pushed my own happiness aside for someone else.  I do that all the time but no one notices.  I made the decision to get married and have children.  We don't want those children sitting around at home all day becoming consumed in laziness so we have them involved in activities.  Those activities keep our calendar filled and allows less time for my dad and I get how that's frustrating to him.  It leaves me torn.  Torn and frustrated, confused and burdened.  

Eventually, my parents will be gone from this earth and the burden of being the only one in the state to help will be gone.  I'll feel sad about that, for sure.  I'll also feel the frustration of being the only one on my side of the family here while everyone else is on Long Island.  

I have created my own little family here.  My husband, my son and daughter.  They are wonderful.  They are the light at the end of this long tunnel but that doesn't take away the burden of being the only family member my parents have.  My siblings barely make the trip, which I understand isn't easy to do.  They, too, are busy and traveling from NY to PA is not exactly cheap.  I get it.  They had the choice to stay and live a life they chose.  Their burden is not having their parents close by.  How easy it would have been for my dad to have many choices to choose from when he needed some help.  Now he only has one.  Me!  

I'm having a hard time with this lately and it's consuming me in my depression.  This is one of the reasons why I have been spending so much time in the Word, just hoping to get a revelation of peace and hope from it.  I love my life here in Pennsylvania, don't get me wrong.  It's just been quite a struggle and especially now with two ailing parents and being the only one present.  In actuality, it's a blessing and a burden mixed.  

What I love about journaling and blogging is that it helps me to express what I am feeling.  This post has left me feeling more depressed and I'll be spending the day trying to get out of this funk.  Maybe for August, being that it marks 30 years, I'll do daily posts on the good things I've gotten out of living here.

Mid July

 

I cannot believe we are in the middle of July already.  It has been a relaxing summer.  Still busy here and there, but more time to chill.  

I'm savoring these slower days and loving ever minute of it.  Waking up early and giving the start of the day to God; reading the Bible, journaling and praying.  My kids sleep in and once they wake up I feel refreshed and ready to tackle the day.  It's nice not having a daily routine but it won't be long before it's back to school and back to constant busyness.  I wish I could hang onto these slower summer days forever but I hope when the school year starts and I'm back to work I can find some quiet moments to focus on prayer and also just relaxing.  Life is so chaotic and my focus this summer has been to find peace and ignore the noise.  Being in the world but not of the world.  It's difficult but I'm finding the way.  

My daughter is currently at her first day of dance camp, this one today is specifically for competition.  She has hopes of getting a solo this year.  Tonight my son has his first playoff game so he's just relaxing until then.  Next week he has scout camp. 

I'm loving summer, y'all!  

 

Independence Day

 Good morning friends!  

I wanted to hop on here before the day begins.  I've been waking up early lately and dedicate this time to slipping outside to the back porch to listen to some podcasts, read the Bible and pray.  Giving time to God first is something I've always strived to do and yet it often seemed impossible.   With these slow summer days I'm able to do that.  The kids sleep in late and that's been a blessing.  As I'm reading Scripture I keep coming across verses that speak on peace, turning from evil, being the salt and light, and being in the world and not of the world.  I've been asking God to reveal what that all means for me and I think I'm figuring it out.   There's so much chaos going on around us and I made the decision to keep the news turned off, not involve myself in hateful conversations and turn away from anything evil.  It's not easy because evil is all around me.  People are always wanting to talk about what someone else is doing in a rude way.  It's always going to be there but I can choose to ignore it. Still be present but not involved, if that makes sense.  

I hope you enjoyed our Independence Day yesterday.  On Sunday we went to a very well done patriotic church service where we the attending veterans were honored, we sang those beautiful patriotic songs and heard a message from our local congressman.   Then we went back in the evening for another service followed by food trucks and fireworks.  In the last few years we have devoted our Independence Day to God and it's been wonderful.   Yesterday we stayed low at home and just enjoyed the company of each other, ending the evening by the fire with sparklers and S'mores.  We also attempted to play badminton, which we all failed miserably at.  It was a good day and I wish you all an amazing week ahead.  

Peaceful Morning

The view of our backyard.  

This morning I sat on the back patio with a cup of coffee in hand and my dog sitting at my side.  It's supposed to feel like 100 degrees later today but so far it's been pleasant.  I watched as the chipmunk, who has taken residence in our backyard, scurry his way into a crack under the deck.  He peaks out ever so often and it's the cutest thing ever.  I also watched a rabbit eating from the freshly cut grass as birds chirped from every direction.  It's been a beautiful and peaceful morning, to say the least.  I also watched as two neighbor kids were running around in their backyard.  The boy, about three years old, was running while his toddler sister tried keeping up from behind.  It brought tears to my eyes as I reminisced on those days with my kids.  Oh, how I miss those days.  I love experiencing each stage with my children but at the same time I'd give anything to have my toddler and preschooler back.  Those were simpler times when I'd watch them explore the world around them with innocence.  My boy loved on his sister a little too much and she would look at him with adoration, now it's hard to keep those two from fighting.  I also watched as the neighbor's grandma played with them and trying, herself, to keep up and it got me thinking about the years ahead.  Since my kids were born I have prayed for their future spouses and children.  I'm in no rush to get to that point, but I would love to experience the joys that being a grandmother brings.  For now, I'm living moment by moment just embracing these days with my own kids.  One is going into high school and the other is going into middle school and I just can't fathom how we got here so quickly.  

In the beginning of the week we received news that a fellow boy scout and friend of our son's passed away in a car accident.  At only 17 years old with a bright future ahead, I can't believe something like this could happen so someone so kind, polite and sweet.  I only saw him a few times but in those times he always had a smile on his face and carried a lot of energy.  He would also call out for my son as if he was excited to see him.  Tomorrow is the funeral.  I'm not sure if my son would be willing to go, although we will try and encourage him.  It's a difficult loss but I rest peacefully knowing that he is in the hands of God now, a place we all will be someday.  

With everything that's been happening in our country and in this world lately, heaven seems like a far better place to be.  As much as I dream of watching my kids grow into adulthood and the sweetness of grandchildren, I know my time may be up before then.  So, with every moment in each passing day, I will not take anything for granted and be thankful for the gifts I have now.