He's 12!

Over the weekend my son turned 12 years old.  He's my oldest and the one who made me a mother.  It's amazing how quickly the years are passing.  I remember the day he was born, waking up throughout the night for endless feedings, his first word, first step, putting him on the school bus for his first day of school, and so much more.

He's always been affectionate and continues to be that way.  I'm sure all those hugs, kisses and "I love you mom" will slow down soon and I'm embracing it as much as possible.  He still plays with toys and loves using his imagination.  That too will change soon, I know.  It's hard to believe that in one year he will be a teenager.  A TEENAGER!  I'm not ready for it.

Since his birthday fell on a Sunday this year and his favorite NFL team was playing at home he wanted to go to a game.  This is something he and his father had never experienced before.  I joked and told him we couldn't afford it, even when we had purchased the tickets already.  I'm so glad we made his wish come true.  Bonus: his team won!  If you know anything about the Washington Redskins you know that they have some of the most loyal fans who stick with them through years of one defeat after another.  It was cool to know that they won.  Only the two guys went to the game while me and my daughter stayed home.  It was kind of hard not being with my boy on his birthday but I knew he was having the time of his life.

My boy is 12.  As I said, he's very affectionate and also kind.  He's shy around people but at home he talks A LOT.  He has a bit of a speech issue and is working on it with a speech teacher in school.  Academically he does very well in school.  He's in an advanced math club and, well, can do arithmetic a lot better than I ever could.  He's involved in boy scouts, baseball, basketball, and plays trumpet with the school band.  This boy can take the music he learns on the trumpet and play it on the piano.  I'm amazed at his abilities.  I'm so, so proud!  As much as he picks on his sister I know he loves her and it's nice to see how much he enjoys playing with her.  I'm not sure what the teenage years will bring but I'm grateful for this kid

Walk For Alzheimer's 2019

Today my daughter accompanied me to the walk.  This is the second year I've participated in this event and I hope to make it every year.  Last year I raised over $1,000 and was part of the Grand Champion Club.  This year I raised $350 and I'm so thankful for those who donated.  

Alzheimer's is the 6th leading cause of death and there is no survivors.  It's a horrible disease that has no cure.   Since my mother was diagnosed a few years ago I've done whatever I could to raise awareness, help fund research, and learn ways on how I could try to prevent the disease.  I watch as my mother struggles every day, I see how hard it is on my father, and it's hurting the rest of my family.  Watching the woman who brought me into the world slowly lose herself is the worst experience in the world.  

My mother has trouble walking on her own, but that's how it's been since her stroke 8 years ago.  It's hard to understand anything she says and she's starting to have accidents more and more.  It's frustrating for her and she often cries.  I can see how exhausting it is for my father but he keeps going because she's the love of his life.  Many people forget how hard this is for the caregiver.  

Those who were at the walk today had an experience with the disease of their own.  Either they were fighting with it, or they knew a loved one fighting with it, or they knew someone who lost the battle.  Some were there just to support the cause.  Seeing the hundreds of people showed me that those of us experiencing this are not alone.  There is so much support out there.  Now, if only we can find a cure.  

41 YEARS YOUNG

I remember sitting on the couch with my best friend planning out the details of what I wanted to do for my 21st birthday as if it was yesterday.  When I turned 21 I was single and wondering if I'd ever be worthy of love, living at home with my parents, and a recent business school graduate realizing that I wasn't happy with the career choice I made and struggling to find a job that was suitable for me.  Later in that 21st year I fell in love with my male best friend and we made it official on his 21st birthday.

It's hard to believe that was twenty years ago.

Earlier this month I celebrated my 41st birthday.  41.  How did I get here so quickly?  I can recall certain moments on several birthdays … my 10th birthday when I was excited to be in the double digits, my 13th birthday when I was excited to finally be a teenager and given permission from my mom to wear makeup, my 18th birthday when I was considered an adult, my 29th birthday when I was pregnant and one month away from giving birth to my first child.  41 birthdays.  41 years.  So many memories.  So many experiences.  So many mistakes.  So many lessons learned.  So much growth.  I am thankful.

On my birthday I had to put in my three hours of work in the cafeteria.  My co-workers greeted me with birthday wishes.  My daughter wasn't shy about shouting to everyone it was my birthday and what age I turned.  We met my parents at the Olive Garden for dinner.  I got to choose where we went and with so many restaurant choices it was hard to decide but I went with good old Olive Garden.  Then my parents came back to the house with us where we had ice cream cake and I opened presents.  That's when I received a new laptop, which I'm typing on right now.  I needed a new laptop because my old one was just about shot.  I love it.  I've been coming up with ideas on a book and I can't wait to get it all done.  Being a writer is something I've dreamed about since I was a little girl and at 41 years old I realize that time is ticking away.  I'm ready to pursue my dream but it's having the time to sit and write, and also coming up with every detail of what to write is holding me back.  I'll get there, if Lord willing, I have the chance.

At 41 I still struggle with depression but I'm getting better at learning ways to manage it.  There are days when I wake up knowing that it's going to take all the strength to get through the day but somehow I push through.  I'm lucky to have four decades of good physical health but last year started my journey through skin cancer.  I've had three surgeries so far to remove spots on my face and there are more growing.  My dermatologist can't seem to figure out why this is happening and it's very frustrating for me.  I will be going to a Genetics Counselor in January and I'm not sure if that's going to help.  I scheduled an appointment with my primary care doctor next month to discuss other issues I've been having.  I guess it's that time when I'm feeling what getting old is all about.

I've never considered myself to be pretty, even though my husband tells me I am every day.  My weight is up more than it should be and I struggle to find motivation to get a good daily workout in.  My face, around both eyes, are covered in scars from surgery and I'm also missing some eye lashes because of it too.  I try to hide the flaws with makeup but it's not enough.  I've never spent much time worrying about my physical appearance and it shows, I guess.

Mentally I'm growing more and more every day.  I make it a point to show kindness to everyone, because I realized that I don't know what others are going through in their lives.  In a world that is filled with cruel people I want to be the one that shows kindness and compassion.  That has become a priority to me.  In school I'm always smiling and showing kindness to the children.  In my home I want my kids to know that they are loved and cared for and always joke around with them.   I've come a long way in my attitude.  My prayer life has become better and my faith is stronger.  I thank God every single day for the life I have, even in the moments when I don't feel strong enough to press on.  Without my faith I would not have any strength.

I'm not interested in sharing a recent picture of me (thanks skin cancer) so here's me back in the baby days.  

27 Years In Pennsylvania

This month marks 27 years since my parents and I have moved to Pennsylvania from Long Island, New York.  A lot has happened in these 27 years.  I currently feel grateful for my experiences here but in the beginning of the move and many years after I felt so hurt over it.

My brother and sisters are a lot older than I am.  My brother was married and having children while I was still a toddler, my oldest sister was married when I was in second grade and my other sister graduated high school when I was still playing with dolls and using my imagination.  Then I entered junior high and was allowed to wear makeup and hang out with friends at the mall and movies without adult supervision.  I was finally feeling like I was growing up.  I enjoyed school and was getting A's and B's.  My best friend was Merissa, who on the first day of 7th grade looked at me and said, "hey, do you want to be my best friend?"  We spent a lot of time together either at my house or hers or walking around the mall or seeing the latest movie.  It was definitely a great year and I was looking forward to moving up to 8th grade with my friends and then heading to high school and graduate from the same high school my brother and sisters did.  In my mind I thought I was going to stay in the same house until I was ready to leave it.  Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.

New York is expensive, money was tight.  My parents put all their money into a business that didn't work out.  My dad, a retired police officer, worked as a car salesman and my mom had her own house cleaning business, but none of that was enough to make ends meet.  My grandparents lived with us and moved to Pennsylvania so my grandma could be close to her sister, my Great Aunt Alice.  After my parents visited them they decided it was best for us to move there too.  It was a much cheaper state.  My parents could sell the house, buy a house here without having a mortgage, still need to work but could relax.  The first family who looked at the house decided to buy it.  So, with my brother-in-law driving the moving van and with me in the backseat of our Oldsmobile Calais with our Boston Terrier we were on our way to our new life in Lancaster, PA.

I hated it.  I absolutely hated it.  We spent a few months in an apartment and I started 8th grade in a middle school filled with snobs.  I did make a handful of friends but everyone looked at me as if I was an alien from another planet.  People weren't so kind to New Yorkers around here.  Some people easily adjust to moving.  I didn't.  Then when we found a house and moved in I had to change school districts.  I hated that too.  Again, I made some friends, but I also experienced many hard things.

It wasn't all that bad but it wasn't what I wanted.  I wanted to be on Long Island with my friends and my family.  I felt robbed.  That led to years of depression and suicidal thoughts.

Now, 27 years later, I focus more on the positives.  I've met a lot of great people here.  If I hadn't lived here I wouldn't have met my husband and we wouldn't have brought our two children into the world.  I do believe they were brought into this world for a reason.  Whatever the reason, God has a plan for them.  If all I went through was only to bring them into the world then I am grateful for the experiences. 

I also realize that being out of Long Island means no beaches but we do have this view of the Susquehanna River. 

These photos were taken while my son and I were hiking together.

I truly believe that life is what we make it.  I wish I could have realized that 27 years ago.  When I go back to Long Island it doesn't feel like my home anymore but it wasn't meant to be my home.  Also, home doesn't have to be the place where you were born.  Anywhere can be made a home.  It's sad to know we aren't close enough to family where my kids can be with their cousins.  That's one of the many things we miss out on.  We have each other though and that's enough.  I'm thankful for that.

We've traveled to many places and many states but when I go back to Long Island I feel a little disgusted as to how run down it's become.  I'm glad I left it.  If I stayed until adulthood I probably would have left it anyway.  A lot of people have.  I only wish that my attitude was different as a teenager here in PA.  I hated it here, refused to see the good in it.  Now at 40 years old I see things differently and with a better perspective.  My only regret now is not having a better attitude from the very beginning of the move.  I can't change the past but I can only be better from here on out.

Thank you God for almost three decades in this beautiful state.  I'm done taking it for granted.