Hello Wednesday

 

The pine needles from the pine trees that cross the backyard have changed colors and fallen from the ground.  Our blue eyed husky wanted to pose for a picture with them.  Okay, maybe her human mom was holding up a cookie to force a pose.  

This pup of ours has been quite a handful and I'm still convinced I'm better with a smaller dog but she is growing on me.  She's becoming sweeter and becoming a better listener.  Huskies like to do things their own way.  Regardless, I miss my snuggle pug, Murphy.  I always will.  I actually feel pretty guilty for getting another dog.  

A big thank you to those of you who read my posts and leave comments.  My emotions are always a battle but I get through each time.  Once I started feeling mentally better I became physically sick with flu symptoms.  Vomiting, fever, chills, aches, back pain, headache.  It was awful.  Thankfully it only lasted a few days.  My son had two days off of school saying he was feeling nauseous and crampy.  My daughter missed one day.  That leaves little time for Mom to get her own rest in but you do what you have to do.  Today everyone is back to work and school.  Thankfully.  

My van job is continuing to go well.  I like the independence and no adult drama.  I also like the five hours in between runs.  My focus for this year is to get my kids' bedrooms reorganized and also the downstairs area which we use as a play room.  I want to make it more comfortable and useable for the kids and their friends.  I'd love to get into a full-time job by next school year because that would be helpful financially.  Right now I feel called to be more present at home and I'm grateful to have found a job that helps me be able to provide both.  It's been pretty tough in today's economy.  I'm not sure how we managed while I was fully home with the kids but by God's grace we did it.  Barely.  But we did it.  

I also believe God's grace is going to get us through everything we are battling right now.  My son's issues.  My daughter's issues.  My marital issues.  My parents' issues.  All of it.  I know He has a plan.  I also know that nothing I am going through compares to what is going on right now in the middle east.  My heart aches for those innocent people.  How scary it must be for them.  

Also, how are we already in the middle of October?  

Turning 45

 My days have been busy but before I get started on today's chores I wanted to update on my birthday that was last Sunday.  I turned 45.  Four and a half decades of life.  45 trips around the sun.  It's been quite a ride filled with many ups and plenty of downs.  I thank God for it all!

On Saturday my husband planned a surprise trip to Baltimore.  We haven't been to Baltimore since our son was a toddler and my daughter never went.  We started with a big surprise, which I was kind of thinking was happening but didn't want to say anything out loud.  We all like watching baking shows and one of our favorites is Kids Baking Championship and Buddy vs Duff.  So he took us to Duff Goldman's bakery called Charm City Cakes.  Duff wasn't there, of course as expected, but it was pretty cool to see replicas of the cakes he had made on his shows and we also got to bite into some delicious cupcakes.  I picked chocolate with cookies and cream frosting and it was the best I've ever tasted.  

We weren't allowed to eat inside the bakery so took it in the car.  I failed at taking a picture of my cupcake.  You'll just have to believe me when I saw it was deeeeeelicious!

Then we took a drive to the inner harbor.  The parking garage spiked my anxiety - I cannot stand being in closed in spaces and places where I do not see or know the exit.  My complaining and panicking caused the rest of the family to be frustrated and I feel bad because it definitely caused a lot of grief to the day.  There's so much about myself that needs to work on because it does affect my kids.  Despite that, we had an enjoyable day.  I may not have done the best at showing it but I'm grateful for the day my husband planned out for us.  We ate dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe before heading home.  

On Sunday, my actual birthday, we sat in the cold for my son's double-header.  They lost one game and tied the other.  We went home and my husband and daughter made a delicious steak dinner and I opened my gifts.  A few Halloween decorations, Lauren Daigle's new CD and some homemade cards from my girl.  

I am grateful!

The last few weeks have been filled with difficult things.  My depression has been kicking my butt.  My anxiety has been high.  But I'm finally feeling myself getting up again. My focus is coming back.  I'm getting there again.  No matter what I'm facing or feeling, I am grateful!

Here's to year 45!  Only 5 years to mid-life so I'm going to make these next 5 years count.

Welcome To My Messy, Not Close to Perfect Home

 

It has been my goal to have a home that is welcoming for all, but more importantly, a home that my family can come into after a long day of school or work and enter feeling comforted, loved, supported, and at peace.  A place that provides coziness away from all the outside elements.  A place they can come to and be heard, understood and accepted.  I'm failing miserably at providing this.  

The house is always a mess and nothing in it screams coziness.  My husband and I end up arguing over the silliest little things and my kids clearly state how much they hate hearing it.  My daughter says something and is quickly shot down by her big brother and then I have to correct him on being rude, to which he responds with more attitude and a refusal to admit he said something impolite.  It's been an uphill battle.  

My goal has also been to break generational curses - I come with many.  As a child I felt like I was never heard or understood.  Whatever I had to say or however I felt didn't seem to matter.  I also heard my parents fighting a lot.  My husband also dealt with parents who fought a lot and eventually divorced.  We are not our parents and in our home we can make it however we choose but it's been difficult.  It's been difficult for my husband and I to connect in a way that will provide the peace our children need all of the time.  It's only some of the time.  It's been difficult to even go on an outing or family vacation without some kind of disagreement.  I want to provide for my kids all the things I never had (emotionally speaking).  It's been difficult for me to not become easily angered and frustrated because that was exactly how I was raised to be.  That's how my father was raised to be.  

When my daughter came home last Friday upset because of what had gone on with her friends I showed a little frustration that she wasn't honest with me when it had first happened.  When the vice principal called to tell me what was going on I hadn't a clue what had happened and no information to provide to him that was her side of the story.  In that very moment of her finding out her best friend since the preschool years no longer wanted to be her friend, she needed me.  She needed my arms to comfort her and she needed my kind words to console her.  Instead, I was focused on her not telling me the truth right away.  But then I immediately apologized and fixed it.  I told her I should not have acted that way and she told me she understood.  She apologized for not telling me everything.  I told her I understood it was all too much for her little heart to absorb and her mind to understand.  So, after that I did all I could to give her a great weekend where she could free her mind from the burden of it all.  I watched as she felt so betrayed as I did whatever I could to remind her that it was her family and her faith in God that mattered beyond anything else in the world.  I learned to be nothing but patient with her in the time she needed to feel sad.  Her heart was breaking.  I couldn't repair it but I could help carry her through it.  

Last night she began talking about Taylor Swift, someone my husband cannot stand.  He immediately stopped her and said he was tired of hearing it.  She began to cry.  In that moment she felt her thoughts didn't matter and she wasn't able to say whatever was on her mind, even if it was about an overly popularized singer.  It didn't matter to him but it did to her.  This had me very angry.  I tried to get him to understand and it just resulted in an argument, which had Bri feeling even more sad.  This is the cycle I'm trying so hard to stop.  It's frustrating.

I read many blogs where everyone shares the day to day joys in their lives and I realize that those are the things people want to read.  Who wants to read about drama and negativity?  But sometimes I would like to know that I am not alone.  I feel alone when I read all the fun, cozy, happy-go-lucky blogs.  So here I am stating all of my struggles, letting you know that I am a human with a lot of battles and if you are stumbling on this page with something heavy on your heart and dealing with a life that is messy and uncertain ... you aren't alone.  

It's been a rough week!  Thankfully starting tomorrow my kids have a 4 day weekend and it ends with me turning 45.  Yikes!

My Daughter's Heart is Breaking

 Heartbreaks are so hard to deal with and we've all experienced them at one time or another.  Watching my own child experience one takes it on a whole higher level of pain that is so indescribable.  Last week was rough for my daughter and the weekend was nothing but tears and sadness.  Something happened at school last week which caused Brianna's best friend of many years to say she no longer wanted to be her friend.  This is a girl she had hopes of growing up with and experiencing many parts of life together.  Now her world has been shattered because of the influence of someone else, another girl who is disrespectful and rude.  

As the boys were camping with the scouts it was just us girls for the weekend.  Even between crying her face just looked so down and worn.  As much as I tried to cheer her up I was also feeling the pain with her.  I spent so much time crying and asking God for help.  The innocent elementary school days of playing dolls are over.  Now that the girls are in middle school they are maturing at different speeds.  Brianna seems to still have those childish ways that her friend is done with.  She's hanging with a crowd of girls that swear and talk disrespectfully to others.  Brianna is better off without them.  But it still hurts.  

I've been trying to talk to her about how I understand her pain.  I've been through it in my middle and high school years.  The pain she is feeling is a pain I'm feeling too.  I want to make it better for her but I know I can't.  I know that this is something that will be part of her story; the thing that helps her to grow stronger and learn from.  All I can do is be there to listen and give support.  On Saturday we took a trip to my parents where we fed some ducks at the lake and my dad treated us for dinner at Friendly's.  Friday and Saturday night we snuggled up on the couch and watched movies.  On Friday night I could hear the sounds from the homecoming game a mile away.  I knew her friend was there having fun with her friends while my girl was at home feeling an incredible amount of pain.  

On Sunday I treated her to a fruit refresher and muffin at a local coffee shop before church.  She joined me in the chapel and it was good to hear a sermon talk about how God allows hurt because there is something better waiting for us.  

I actually managed to get a smile for the picture.  

This morning I watched as the girls stood at the bus stops, quite a few feet apart staring down at their phones and not acknowledging each other.  After my morning van run I went home and prayed for her and cried heavily.  Then she texted me saying she wished it was the end of the week.  So that tells me her day is not going well.  

I had told her we don't know what the future will bring.  Maybe the girls will find their way back to each other at some point.  Maybe there's a reason they will no longer be the friends they had hoped to continue being.  Regardless, right now she is hurting.  She's struggling to enjoy the school days and it's no fair.  Even though she has other friends, sweeter people I'd much rather see her with, she's still sad.  She also deals with random bullies and that makes it even worse.  

I don't know why this is affecting me so much but it is.  I've felt so much pain that it has caused my chest to hurt and I'll cry every chance I get.  Parenting is tough in these moments.  I just want my kids to be happy but it's always something, if not with one kid than the other.  At this time last year my son was struggling with school.  My daughter also had her struggles but this year she's really having a hard time.  Now she's facing those hard times without the one girl who always had her back.  

I know this season will pass but in the meantime it really sucks.  If you believe in prayer I ask that you please lift one up for her.  It would be highly appreciated.