Peace

I'm not Jewish but I can definitely appreciate the word Shalom, which is the Hebrew word for "Peace."  This was something our pastor talked about last Sunday during church.  He described how we can't have peace without Jesus Christ.  I can't tell you the times I've tried to find peace, compassion or understanding without putting God into the equation.  Without going to prayer and asking for his guidance has left me making choices that I thought was right but left me feeling without peace in the end.

"And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." -- Philippians 4:7

I am currently in the season of raising young children, and if you're a parent you know that most times parenting can bring on many challenges and frustration.  My 12 year old son has developed quite an attitude and needs constant reminders of the proper tone to use while speaking or how teasing his sister isn't nice.  My 8 year old daughter is always whining and fussing about something.  I immediately want to go into monster mom mode and start raising my voice whenever those two act up.  I've learned that yelling solves nothing and only shows them that it's okay to respond that way.  It also leaves me feeling agitated and stressed.  Telling the kids to "knock it off" or threatening to punish them, or following through with a punishment if their behavior doesn't change, seems to be a reoccurance in this house.  Children need to understand that poor behavior is unacceptable and they need to have consequences.  However, I need to strive to handle it with peace and that means prayerfully seeking God's wisdom.

We are now in the holiday season, which can be chaotic and stressful.  If you're like me, you wait until the last minute to get the shopping done.  On the day before Christmas Eve I had rushed to a few stores to get the last of what I needed.  I kept a conversation with God going in my head as I was stopped in traffic or standing in a long check out line.  I actually felt good about it.  I was thankful that I managed to get enough done before the holiday and felt thankful that another Christmas was here.  This is a holiday that celebrates the birth of our Savior and that should be a joyous occasion.  Christmas is also a time we spend with family.  This can be fun as we catch up on lost time and exchange gifts, but it can also be a bit frustrating as well.  There's always a chance that an argument will stir up and the talk of politics seems to be inevitable.  One comment was anyone who reelected our governor is "stupid."  Peace left my heart the moment I heard those words and frustration set it.  Personally, I don't agree with our governor but calling those who voted for him stupid seems so ungodly and unbiblical.  Coming from someone who had preached the Gospel just hours before (not my pastor) seemed to make it that much disturbing.   Of course, it went on in my family too.  Sitting around the table everyone gave their opinion of the president, for or against.  It's hard to find peace when talking about politics.  With everything going on in our country and in the world I find peace in knowing that no matter what is happening or will happen God is in control and already has a plan worked out. That doesn't mean we shouldn't take action or try to help, but no matter what we do, God already knows what the outcome will be.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." -- John 14:27

He's 12!

Over the weekend my son turned 12 years old.  He's my oldest and the one who made me a mother.  It's amazing how quickly the years are passing.  I remember the day he was born, waking up throughout the night for endless feedings, his first word, first step, putting him on the school bus for his first day of school, and so much more.

He's always been affectionate and continues to be that way.  I'm sure all those hugs, kisses and "I love you mom" will slow down soon and I'm embracing it as much as possible.  He still plays with toys and loves using his imagination.  That too will change soon, I know.  It's hard to believe that in one year he will be a teenager.  A TEENAGER!  I'm not ready for it.

Since his birthday fell on a Sunday this year and his favorite NFL team was playing at home he wanted to go to a game.  This is something he and his father had never experienced before.  I joked and told him we couldn't afford it, even when we had purchased the tickets already.  I'm so glad we made his wish come true.  Bonus: his team won!  If you know anything about the Washington Redskins you know that they have some of the most loyal fans who stick with them through years of one defeat after another.  It was cool to know that they won.  Only the two guys went to the game while me and my daughter stayed home.  It was kind of hard not being with my boy on his birthday but I knew he was having the time of his life.

My boy is 12.  As I said, he's very affectionate and also kind.  He's shy around people but at home he talks A LOT.  He has a bit of a speech issue and is working on it with a speech teacher in school.  Academically he does very well in school.  He's in an advanced math club and, well, can do arithmetic a lot better than I ever could.  He's involved in boy scouts, baseball, basketball, and plays trumpet with the school band.  This boy can take the music he learns on the trumpet and play it on the piano.  I'm amazed at his abilities.  I'm so, so proud!  As much as he picks on his sister I know he loves her and it's nice to see how much he enjoys playing with her.  I'm not sure what the teenage years will bring but I'm grateful for this kid

Walk For Alzheimer's 2019

Today my daughter accompanied me to the walk.  This is the second year I've participated in this event and I hope to make it every year.  Last year I raised over $1,000 and was part of the Grand Champion Club.  This year I raised $350 and I'm so thankful for those who donated.  

Alzheimer's is the 6th leading cause of death and there is no survivors.  It's a horrible disease that has no cure.   Since my mother was diagnosed a few years ago I've done whatever I could to raise awareness, help fund research, and learn ways on how I could try to prevent the disease.  I watch as my mother struggles every day, I see how hard it is on my father, and it's hurting the rest of my family.  Watching the woman who brought me into the world slowly lose herself is the worst experience in the world.  

My mother has trouble walking on her own, but that's how it's been since her stroke 8 years ago.  It's hard to understand anything she says and she's starting to have accidents more and more.  It's frustrating for her and she often cries.  I can see how exhausting it is for my father but he keeps going because she's the love of his life.  Many people forget how hard this is for the caregiver.  

Those who were at the walk today had an experience with the disease of their own.  Either they were fighting with it, or they knew a loved one fighting with it, or they knew someone who lost the battle.  Some were there just to support the cause.  Seeing the hundreds of people showed me that those of us experiencing this are not alone.  There is so much support out there.  Now, if only we can find a cure.  

41 YEARS YOUNG

I remember sitting on the couch with my best friend planning out the details of what I wanted to do for my 21st birthday as if it was yesterday.  When I turned 21 I was single and wondering if I'd ever be worthy of love, living at home with my parents, and a recent business school graduate realizing that I wasn't happy with the career choice I made and struggling to find a job that was suitable for me.  Later in that 21st year I fell in love with my male best friend and we made it official on his 21st birthday.

It's hard to believe that was twenty years ago.

Earlier this month I celebrated my 41st birthday.  41.  How did I get here so quickly?  I can recall certain moments on several birthdays … my 10th birthday when I was excited to be in the double digits, my 13th birthday when I was excited to finally be a teenager and given permission from my mom to wear makeup, my 18th birthday when I was considered an adult, my 29th birthday when I was pregnant and one month away from giving birth to my first child.  41 birthdays.  41 years.  So many memories.  So many experiences.  So many mistakes.  So many lessons learned.  So much growth.  I am thankful.

On my birthday I had to put in my three hours of work in the cafeteria.  My co-workers greeted me with birthday wishes.  My daughter wasn't shy about shouting to everyone it was my birthday and what age I turned.  We met my parents at the Olive Garden for dinner.  I got to choose where we went and with so many restaurant choices it was hard to decide but I went with good old Olive Garden.  Then my parents came back to the house with us where we had ice cream cake and I opened presents.  That's when I received a new laptop, which I'm typing on right now.  I needed a new laptop because my old one was just about shot.  I love it.  I've been coming up with ideas on a book and I can't wait to get it all done.  Being a writer is something I've dreamed about since I was a little girl and at 41 years old I realize that time is ticking away.  I'm ready to pursue my dream but it's having the time to sit and write, and also coming up with every detail of what to write is holding me back.  I'll get there, if Lord willing, I have the chance.

At 41 I still struggle with depression but I'm getting better at learning ways to manage it.  There are days when I wake up knowing that it's going to take all the strength to get through the day but somehow I push through.  I'm lucky to have four decades of good physical health but last year started my journey through skin cancer.  I've had three surgeries so far to remove spots on my face and there are more growing.  My dermatologist can't seem to figure out why this is happening and it's very frustrating for me.  I will be going to a Genetics Counselor in January and I'm not sure if that's going to help.  I scheduled an appointment with my primary care doctor next month to discuss other issues I've been having.  I guess it's that time when I'm feeling what getting old is all about.

I've never considered myself to be pretty, even though my husband tells me I am every day.  My weight is up more than it should be and I struggle to find motivation to get a good daily workout in.  My face, around both eyes, are covered in scars from surgery and I'm also missing some eye lashes because of it too.  I try to hide the flaws with makeup but it's not enough.  I've never spent much time worrying about my physical appearance and it shows, I guess.

Mentally I'm growing more and more every day.  I make it a point to show kindness to everyone, because I realized that I don't know what others are going through in their lives.  In a world that is filled with cruel people I want to be the one that shows kindness and compassion.  That has become a priority to me.  In school I'm always smiling and showing kindness to the children.  In my home I want my kids to know that they are loved and cared for and always joke around with them.   I've come a long way in my attitude.  My prayer life has become better and my faith is stronger.  I thank God every single day for the life I have, even in the moments when I don't feel strong enough to press on.  Without my faith I would not have any strength.

I'm not interested in sharing a recent picture of me (thanks skin cancer) so here's me back in the baby days.  

27 Years In Pennsylvania

This month marks 27 years since my parents and I have moved to Pennsylvania from Long Island, New York.  A lot has happened in these 27 years.  I currently feel grateful for my experiences here but in the beginning of the move and many years after I felt so hurt over it.

My brother and sisters are a lot older than I am.  My brother was married and having children while I was still a toddler, my oldest sister was married when I was in second grade and my other sister graduated high school when I was still playing with dolls and using my imagination.  Then I entered junior high and was allowed to wear makeup and hang out with friends at the mall and movies without adult supervision.  I was finally feeling like I was growing up.  I enjoyed school and was getting A's and B's.  My best friend was Merissa, who on the first day of 7th grade looked at me and said, "hey, do you want to be my best friend?"  We spent a lot of time together either at my house or hers or walking around the mall or seeing the latest movie.  It was definitely a great year and I was looking forward to moving up to 8th grade with my friends and then heading to high school and graduate from the same high school my brother and sisters did.  In my mind I thought I was going to stay in the same house until I was ready to leave it.  Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.

New York is expensive, money was tight.  My parents put all their money into a business that didn't work out.  My dad, a retired police officer, worked as a car salesman and my mom had her own house cleaning business, but none of that was enough to make ends meet.  My grandparents lived with us and moved to Pennsylvania so my grandma could be close to her sister, my Great Aunt Alice.  After my parents visited them they decided it was best for us to move there too.  It was a much cheaper state.  My parents could sell the house, buy a house here without having a mortgage, still need to work but could relax.  The first family who looked at the house decided to buy it.  So, with my brother-in-law driving the moving van and with me in the backseat of our Oldsmobile Calais with our Boston Terrier we were on our way to our new life in Lancaster, PA.

I hated it.  I absolutely hated it.  We spent a few months in an apartment and I started 8th grade in a middle school filled with snobs.  I did make a handful of friends but everyone looked at me as if I was an alien from another planet.  People weren't so kind to New Yorkers around here.  Some people easily adjust to moving.  I didn't.  Then when we found a house and moved in I had to change school districts.  I hated that too.  Again, I made some friends, but I also experienced many hard things.

It wasn't all that bad but it wasn't what I wanted.  I wanted to be on Long Island with my friends and my family.  I felt robbed.  That led to years of depression and suicidal thoughts.

Now, 27 years later, I focus more on the positives.  I've met a lot of great people here.  If I hadn't lived here I wouldn't have met my husband and we wouldn't have brought our two children into the world.  I do believe they were brought into this world for a reason.  Whatever the reason, God has a plan for them.  If all I went through was only to bring them into the world then I am grateful for the experiences. 

I also realize that being out of Long Island means no beaches but we do have this view of the Susquehanna River. 

These photos were taken while my son and I were hiking together.

I truly believe that life is what we make it.  I wish I could have realized that 27 years ago.  When I go back to Long Island it doesn't feel like my home anymore but it wasn't meant to be my home.  Also, home doesn't have to be the place where you were born.  Anywhere can be made a home.  It's sad to know we aren't close enough to family where my kids can be with their cousins.  That's one of the many things we miss out on.  We have each other though and that's enough.  I'm thankful for that.

We've traveled to many places and many states but when I go back to Long Island I feel a little disgusted as to how run down it's become.  I'm glad I left it.  If I stayed until adulthood I probably would have left it anyway.  A lot of people have.  I only wish that my attitude was different as a teenager here in PA.  I hated it here, refused to see the good in it.  Now at 40 years old I see things differently and with a better perspective.  My only regret now is not having a better attitude from the very beginning of the move.  I can't change the past but I can only be better from here on out.

Thank you God for almost three decades in this beautiful state.  I'm done taking it for granted. 

Sunday Morning

I woke up about an hour and a half before everyone else did and that's often unusual.  My son is an early bird and will wake up before the rest of us.  However, this morning was different and the peace and quiet of the morning was enjoyable.

I made a pot of coffee and took a cup outside to my back porch.  I sat there and enjoyed the sounds of nature, with my cup of hot and delicious brew, and a conversation with Jesus.  There were the chattering of birds around me and a squirrel who amusingly found his way up a pole and into the neighbor's bird feeder.  Admittedly, the time I take to converse with my Lord isn't as often as it should be.  Lately, I've been having a hard time with a lot of things and this was an opportunity to give it all to Him.  I've been struggling with a lot of emotions and a lot of thoughts that have been affecting my day to day life.  It's been affecting my mood and how I've been handling so many things from my marriage, to my parenting, and to how I see life in general.  It all went to God.  The things I've faced in my past that seems to want to continuously creep up on me, the things currently going on, the unknowns of my future ... all went to my loving God.  He took it all and I could instantly feel the freedom of all those burdens I was bearing.  I felt a sense of peace and ready to start the day.  I thought it would be best to grab my Bible that has been sitting on my nightstand but I didn't want the risk of waking up my husband.  I was enjoying the moment too much.  It was at least an hour of talking to the One who had the power of changing me and comforting me.  That was so needed and something I'll have to try to put into every morning.  

My son woke up and we snuggled on the couch as he read his book.  Then my husband and daughter woke up.  My daughter asked if I could read with her.  Every day they are to read for the library's summer reading and so far they've been doing amazing with it.  Throughout everything, even the bickering between my kids, I was able to handle it so much better.

I even took this positive energy and used it on getting some major cleaning done.  I really hate to clean on this day of Sabbath but since every other day in the week is filled with so many events it's hard to focus on what needs done inside the house.  So much clutter.  So much dust and dirt always finds it's way all around, even moments after I've cleaned.  My goal for 2019 was to rid the house of as much as possible and that's been a slow process.  Our development held a yard sale over the weekend and my husband took charge of it and although we got rid of a lot there's still so much more laying around.  My son, heading into the preteen years, was eager to get rid of a ton of toys where my daughter, almost eight, was having a hard time saying goodbye to anything she owned.  I realized this is a process I can't rush with this sensitive and sentimental girl.  Her willingness to let go will come with time.  I'm just hoping that the less clutter will result in more peace of mind and less anxiety for me.

Today, is a good day!

"Cast all your cares on HIM because HE cares for you." -- 1 Peter 5:7

Life As A Baseball Mom

I knew when we found out we were having a boy that he would one day play baseball.  My husband played as a child and he coached his nephew's team.  It seemed that having our son try the game would be inevitable.  From t-ball to 12U I have sat through many games cheering him on and also feeling frustrated when something went wrong.  There have been several careless mistakes, or just bad calls from the umpire, but that has turned into a lot of growth and lessons learned.  He's so much better than he was before and I'm super proud of him for sticking it out and enjoying the game.  He has the heart for this sport.  Even when he's not on the field he's in the backyard swinging his bat.  I'm sure he's out there imagining he's in the big leagues ... hey, maybe someday. 

Last evening was his last game of the season and a big part of me is actually glad.  This was a long season and often frustrating.  Not because of anything he did.  In fact, I'd say this was his personal best season yet.  They lost every game and it was agony to watch.  I would often grow frustrated at the coach, and he's my husband, by the way.  I've heard comments from other parents sitting close to me.  The players were becoming frustrated with themselves or with others on the team.  It was a rough one but they got through it.  As the season went on they grew stronger and played better and hopefully they take these lessons and apply them next year.

Last night my son made 5 outs at second base, 3 of them being in one inning.  One player referred to him as the MVP of the game.  Every game, no matter how it's played, he's always my MVP.  He plays his best as catcher and second base.  Who knows what position he'll be when he plays for high school but I'm going to continue to look forward to watching him play.

So often I hear kids say they don't want to play the sport but their parents make them.  Parents, don't do that to your children.  Let them try new things but make sure it brings them happiness.  Baseball is a great sport that teaches sportsmanship, team work and has plenty of room to teach them how to grow and adapt.  I'm glad he enjoys it so much.  

This is one proud baseball mom.

See ya on the field next spring!

LOSING MY RELIGION ... TO FIND YOU

I became a fan of singer Lauren Daigle when I heard her song You Say.  The song reminds me that when I feel that I'm not good enough God thinks I'm worth it.  It's a song that so many have been able to relate to, even those who do not live faith-based lives.  Then I came across her song Losing My Religion and the lyrics are so much of my testimony and the decisions I have made when I realized a relationship with Jesus Christ was more important than the religion I had followed all of those years prior.

LOSING MY RELIGION

I've been an actor on a stage
Playing a role I have to play
I'm getting tired, it's safe to say
Living behind a masquerade

No more performing out of fear
I'm trying to keep my conscience clear
It all seems so insincere
I'd trade it all to meet You here

I'm losing my religion
I'm losing my religion

Light a match and watch it burn
But to Your heart, I will return
No one could love me like You do, no-no-no-no, no-no
So why would I want a substitute

I'm losing my religion
I'm losing my religion
I'm losing my religion
I'm losing my religion
To find You

I'm losing my religion, and finding something new
'Cause I need something different, and different looks like You
I'm losing my religion, and finding something new
'Cause I need something different, and different looks like You

Oh, I'm losing my religion
I'm losing my religion
I'm losing my religion
I'm losing my religion
To find You, to find You
To find You, to find You

You

                                     ⒸLauren Daigle 

I was almost twenty years old and in business school when I officially gave my life to Christ, even though I had believed in God since I was a small child.  I knew of His existence and I prayed when I felt it was appropriate but I also felt that we had the free will to live as we desired and He would be okay with that as long as we didn't murder anyone.  Then I started hanging out with people who lived their lives pursuing Christ and seeming so content and I made the decision to hang out with them, ask questions, attend their churches and see what it was truly all about.  I joined a friend every Friday night at a young adult Christian group called Koinonia that was run by her cousin and cousin's husband.  I learned so much about what it meant to give our life to Christ and to live for Him.  I gave my life to Christ in June of 1998 when I joined some of them at the Creation Festival.  Immediately my life changed for the better and I could feel a sense of peace in my mind that had felt depression for so long.  It was wonderful.  

I continued attending the Catholic church I grew up in and also spent some Sundays joining friends in their churches.  I prayed daily and read the Bible.  I learned so much about what it meant to live for Christ and because of it I wanted to share this knowledge with others.  However, I wasn't the best when it came to witnessing.  My family didn't understand why I made the decision to officially leave the Catholic church and that was after taking a long time to prayer and seek God's will.  I just felt it was the best for me and I found another type of church that was more suitable for the life I was seeking.  My family saw me as being religious but, in fact, I was becoming the opposite.  I realized and believed that religion was unimportant and what I needed to focus on solely was having a relationship with Jesus.  The unfortunate thing was I had trouble putting into words why I felt the way I did.  I was harsh, rude, and judgemental.  Well, that's definitely not how to handle things as a Christian and I can see that now.  I wish I knew better then.  

Religion is the rules and regulations made by the church, most of which is from Biblical principles.  Religion is when you are told you must do things this way and that way.  Although, having a church to attend is important and following Bible-based rules is important I've come to learn that the personal relationship with Jesus is what needs to be focused on the most.  Seeking Him in prayer and conversation whenever possible.  Looking to Him during the good and the bad.  Allowing Him to be the center of my marriage and in my parenting.  Allowing Him to make the decisions of my life.  When I feel tempted I can say God would not be happy with that rather than saying my church would not be happy with that.  I am not religious.  I'm just a sinner in need of a Savior and yes there's a difference.  

I wanted to take a moment to clarify what it means to be religious vs. having a relationship and I wanted to share a bit about my belief in that.  I also wanted to say that my actions and how I handled conversations in the past is definitely something I regret wholeheartedly.  I don't want my family, friends and strangers to see me as the bitter Christian.  Christians already have a bad reputation.  Instead, I want people to see me as someone who has messed up but is changing every day.  Someone who can smile, show warmth and kindness to all.  I still mess up and I still have thoughts in my head I wish weren't there.  As I stated in another post, I'm a work in progress.  Always.  If I can apologize to everyone who I showed bitterness to I want to do that now and then I want to move forward as a new creation.  

There have also been people who have put me down for my belief and I'm okay with that.  It's a personal relationship with Someone I have felt a connection to.  I've had prayers that were answered.  I've felt Him close to me many times.  It might seem silly to those who don't quite understand and I want to help people to understand.  Some people don't understand and don't believe because they haven't allowed that relationship to happen for themselves.  You can't expect God to do work in your life if you won't let Him in.  I'm telling you, it's worth it.  Also when you can live your life seeking Him and His will so much good falls into place.  It doesn't make life perfect, trust me, mine is far from it; however, it does help justify why things happen the way they do.  It has given me so much peace and understanding through the bad times and I'm able to work through life so much better.  It's nice to know that  when things seem hard or when I'm going through something I don't understand there's Someone there that can see the entire picture and has a plan and purpose for it all.

When time allows, I would love to sit here and blog more about my journey as a Christian and all the wonderful things I've learned from it.  

Always Changing

I've been in this life for 40 years.  That's 40 years of mistakes, wrong choices and a lot of learning.  I'm still learning.  I will keep on learning.  I've also done a lot of changing.  Who I was twenty years ago is not the person I am today.  I'm even different from the person I was ONE year ago.  I can't tell you the number of times I've looked back and thought wow what was I thinking?

I'm also a woman of faith and have taken so many of my concerns to God.  In the last few years I've been very consistent in praying for God to change my heart and He's constantly working with me on doing just that.  The changes are already taking place.  Having once been someone who could have so easily lashed out on someone for saying something to make me mad has now been replaced with a subtle giggle and my feet leading me away from the situation.  When I used to be so sensitive to the opinions of others I'm now finding myself caring less.

I used to spend my time posting a lot of controversial things on my Facebook page.  It was only when certain political or news topics came up and a lot of people were posting about it.  I decided to share my two cents for a few reasons: one, I wanted those who share the same views as me to see that they aren't alone and two, I wanted those on the opposing side to see a different point of view.  Even though social media has become such a great platform to share thoughts on certain matters I've realized that it's just not worth it.  Are people really listening anyway?  I can say that anytime I log onto Facebook, Twitter or Instagram I become annoyed whenever someone is sharing a political thought or a current news story.  Social media should be fun.  If I'm having a stressful day I want a place to go to for a moment where I can escape reality and cheer up for a bit.  I took a few breaks here and there from Facebook and came back with a much different attitude.  Unless it's an update about my life or something positive, I'm not posting it.  It's the same as if I don't have anything nice to say I'm not saying it.

I also realize that we all come from different backgrounds, families and experiences.  What I feel is right may not be what someone else feels is right and that's okay.  Someone may be making some really bad choices and we naturally feel quick to want to judge them - but remember - we all mess up at one time or another.  God doesn't judge one sin worse than the other.  I also believe we all have the ability to change.  If we mess up, as Christians we know we can go to God and ask for forgiveness.  Once he forgives us we are washed clean of it and can move on to better ourselves.  At that point what we had once done doesn't matter anymore.

Why am I writing all of this?  Because I'm tired of being judged by others in regards to who I used to be.  I recently was being insulted (and maybe he meant it jokingly but I still get tired of it) on the kind of person I was eighteen years ago.  He brought up things that really didn't matter anymore and this particular person seems to want to do that every time I see him.  Trust me when I say, I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to beating myself up over all the things I've done.  I do not need a reminder from others.  Besides, I'm not that person anymore.  I'm not perfect now but I'm so much better than what I used to be.  I'm still maturing, still growing, and still learning.

During a time when these people were talking very rudely about me (mostly behind my back but I heard about it) I felt very hurt and confused.  Then my husband said something that I try to implement now, "If they don't live here with us then their opinion doesn't matter."  Truly, that's so important to realize.  If you aren't with me every single day then you have no right to judge how I live my life.  If you don't know the battles I'm fighting in my head and what God is working with me on then you have no right to judge the kind of person I am - even my husband doesn't know what I pray about and we share the same bed.

I'm a work in progress so please respect that and don't continue to hold me accountable for the person I was yesterday.  I'm learning not to judge others too.

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come." -- 2 Corinthians 5:17

Missing The Baby Stage

Parenting was so much easier when my children were babies and toddlers.  Of course, it didn't feel very easy then.  Getting up all hours of the night, dealing with the fussiness and crying, having to hold them as I tried to clean because they refused to be put down.  I remember those days feeling so long and exhausting but now I would love to go back. 

They were so tiny and delicate then.   What made this stage the easiest was the fact they they were too young to walk, talk back, and be away from me.  I worked a full-time office job until the oldest was born and then I became a stay-at-home mom.  What an amazing journey it's been and one I'm so thankful for.   Being the full-time caregiver to my children was so important to me and my husband.  It wasn't easy, especially financially.  We had to make a lot of sacrifices and there were days when we weren't sure if the bills would get paid on time, but somehow, it worked out.  God always looked out for us.

 Now the kids are only 7 and 11 and I know that's still very young.  They are both elementary school age and both still constantly tell me how much they love me and greet me with hugs and kisses.  They still play with toys and love spending time with me.  The hard part is having to send them to school.  It's those 7 hours I don't know what they are doing and if they are okay, minus the 20 minutes during school time I get to see them at lunch in the cafeteria.  They also have friends that invite them over and I let them go.  Sending them off to someone else's house is hard.  When they were babies I would get together with my friends and their kids.  Now that they are in school they are making their own friends and these friends ask if they can come over.  Of course, I must meet the parents first and if I feel comfortable enough I'll let them have those play dates.  Putting my trust in other adults to watch my kids is not something I'm used to.  I always loved playing with friends when I was a kid and I want them to have friendships too.

They are also involved in after school activities.  My son plays baseball and is in the scouts.  My daughter takes dance classes.  I want them to be active and I enjoy being their biggest fan.

The thing is, lately I've been thinking about how these years are going by so fast and this time I have with them as young children will fade away pretty quickly.  In only a few years my oldest will be a teenager.  Yikes, I'm not ready for it.  My heart feels so heavy whenever I think about the teenage years.  I'm not ready for it.  Is any parent ever ready for it, though?  Every time my son gives me a hug and pulls me down so he can kiss my cheek I realize it won't be long before he stops doing that.  So I'm embracing it and I'm loving it.  I wish I could keep my kids small forever.  I wish I could keep them at home with me all the time so I know they are always safe.  However, ...

They are not mine to keep.  My job as a parent is to make sure I raise them to be independent, self-sufficient adults.  I won't always be around so they have to learn what exactly to do with life on their own.  As challenging as it is I always try to have them do the things they can do for themselves.  They are individuals who belong to God and are only given to me temporarily as their earthly parent.  I have such a huge responsibility in providing for them, loving them, and educating them.  Parenting is the biggest responsibility, the craziest challenge, and the greatest blessing.  I'm so lucky to have these two in my life.  I just wish time would slow down just a bit. 

 

New Year ... New Me?

It's a new year and a time where I should feel motivated to start things over again.  To discover a new me and set some new goals and challenges for myself.  I look at my naked body in the mirror and see fat rolls that shouldn't be there.  I stepped on the scale this morning and saw more pounds added since the last time I checked.  You can say it was from the holidays but honestly it's because of habits I've endured in the entire year.  I was doing so well with healthy eating and exercise but suddenly became so lazy with it.  I gave up.  I didn't want to give up but I did.  I kept telling myself I'd get back into it the next day but those days turned into weeks and months.  Suddenly, there I was looking at my reflection with disgust. 

It's time to get back into the routine of doing what's right.  My determination to live a healthier lifestyle isn't so much about vanity but about survival.  I spent years watching as my mother's health slowly declined and even when becoming a diabetic she still continued to lay around the house and stuff her face with junk.  I know she had no self control and even struggled with some demons but the moment I watched as she lay almost lifeless in the hospital bed after having a stroke I knew I couldn't let myself get into this condition.  I was already living a life that wasn't so active and wasn't so healthy.  I immediately changed.  I was doing great.  People were commenting on how skinny I was getting.  I worked out every day.  I was motivated and determined and I was succeeding.  Then somewhere down the line I just stopped.  Isn't that so typical of us?  I see this with a lot of people.  They start on a great work out routine and then suddenly stop.  Life gets in the way and we struggle to find the time.  Then, since we got out of the habit, we lose motivation. 

I want that motivation again.  I want that determination.  I want the healthy lifestyle.  Not just because it's a fresh start to the year.  Because I'm 40 years old and I need to change.  I need this physical change and I need a mental change.  There are things in my heart and in my mind that I want gone and I spent a good part of my morning praying to God to help me change my heart and mind to how He sees fit.  I'll get there.  I've already come so far.  I just need to keep myself there.  One day at a time. 

2019 you're going to be a good year!  I'll make sure of it.