LOSING MY RELIGION ... TO FIND YOU

I became a fan of singer Lauren Daigle when I heard her song You Say.  The song reminds me that when I feel that I'm not good enough God thinks I'm worth it.  It's a song that so many have been able to relate to, even those who do not live faith-based lives.  Then I came across her song Losing My Religion and the lyrics are so much of my testimony and the decisions I have made when I realized a relationship with Jesus Christ was more important than the religion I had followed all of those years prior.

LOSING MY RELIGION

I've been an actor on a stage
Playing a role I have to play
I'm getting tired, it's safe to say
Living behind a masquerade

No more performing out of fear
I'm trying to keep my conscience clear
It all seems so insincere
I'd trade it all to meet You here

I'm losing my religion
I'm losing my religion

Light a match and watch it burn
But to Your heart, I will return
No one could love me like You do, no-no-no-no, no-no
So why would I want a substitute

I'm losing my religion
I'm losing my religion
I'm losing my religion
I'm losing my religion
To find You

I'm losing my religion, and finding something new
'Cause I need something different, and different looks like You
I'm losing my religion, and finding something new
'Cause I need something different, and different looks like You

Oh, I'm losing my religion
I'm losing my religion
I'm losing my religion
I'm losing my religion
To find You, to find You
To find You, to find You

You

                                     ⒸLauren Daigle 

I was almost twenty years old and in business school when I officially gave my life to Christ, even though I had believed in God since I was a small child.  I knew of His existence and I prayed when I felt it was appropriate but I also felt that we had the free will to live as we desired and He would be okay with that as long as we didn't murder anyone.  Then I started hanging out with people who lived their lives pursuing Christ and seeming so content and I made the decision to hang out with them, ask questions, attend their churches and see what it was truly all about.  I joined a friend every Friday night at a young adult Christian group called Koinonia that was run by her cousin and cousin's husband.  I learned so much about what it meant to give our life to Christ and to live for Him.  I gave my life to Christ in June of 1998 when I joined some of them at the Creation Festival.  Immediately my life changed for the better and I could feel a sense of peace in my mind that had felt depression for so long.  It was wonderful.  

I continued attending the Catholic church I grew up in and also spent some Sundays joining friends in their churches.  I prayed daily and read the Bible.  I learned so much about what it meant to live for Christ and because of it I wanted to share this knowledge with others.  However, I wasn't the best when it came to witnessing.  My family didn't understand why I made the decision to officially leave the Catholic church and that was after taking a long time to prayer and seek God's will.  I just felt it was the best for me and I found another type of church that was more suitable for the life I was seeking.  My family saw me as being religious but, in fact, I was becoming the opposite.  I realized and believed that religion was unimportant and what I needed to focus on solely was having a relationship with Jesus.  The unfortunate thing was I had trouble putting into words why I felt the way I did.  I was harsh, rude, and judgemental.  Well, that's definitely not how to handle things as a Christian and I can see that now.  I wish I knew better then.  

Religion is the rules and regulations made by the church, most of which is from Biblical principles.  Religion is when you are told you must do things this way and that way.  Although, having a church to attend is important and following Bible-based rules is important I've come to learn that the personal relationship with Jesus is what needs to be focused on the most.  Seeking Him in prayer and conversation whenever possible.  Looking to Him during the good and the bad.  Allowing Him to be the center of my marriage and in my parenting.  Allowing Him to make the decisions of my life.  When I feel tempted I can say God would not be happy with that rather than saying my church would not be happy with that.  I am not religious.  I'm just a sinner in need of a Savior and yes there's a difference.  

I wanted to take a moment to clarify what it means to be religious vs. having a relationship and I wanted to share a bit about my belief in that.  I also wanted to say that my actions and how I handled conversations in the past is definitely something I regret wholeheartedly.  I don't want my family, friends and strangers to see me as the bitter Christian.  Christians already have a bad reputation.  Instead, I want people to see me as someone who has messed up but is changing every day.  Someone who can smile, show warmth and kindness to all.  I still mess up and I still have thoughts in my head I wish weren't there.  As I stated in another post, I'm a work in progress.  Always.  If I can apologize to everyone who I showed bitterness to I want to do that now and then I want to move forward as a new creation.  

There have also been people who have put me down for my belief and I'm okay with that.  It's a personal relationship with Someone I have felt a connection to.  I've had prayers that were answered.  I've felt Him close to me many times.  It might seem silly to those who don't quite understand and I want to help people to understand.  Some people don't understand and don't believe because they haven't allowed that relationship to happen for themselves.  You can't expect God to do work in your life if you won't let Him in.  I'm telling you, it's worth it.  Also when you can live your life seeking Him and His will so much good falls into place.  It doesn't make life perfect, trust me, mine is far from it; however, it does help justify why things happen the way they do.  It has given me so much peace and understanding through the bad times and I'm able to work through life so much better.  It's nice to know that  when things seem hard or when I'm going through something I don't understand there's Someone there that can see the entire picture and has a plan and purpose for it all.

When time allows, I would love to sit here and blog more about my journey as a Christian and all the wonderful things I've learned from it.  

Always Changing

I've been in this life for 40 years.  That's 40 years of mistakes, wrong choices and a lot of learning.  I'm still learning.  I will keep on learning.  I've also done a lot of changing.  Who I was twenty years ago is not the person I am today.  I'm even different from the person I was ONE year ago.  I can't tell you the number of times I've looked back and thought wow what was I thinking?

I'm also a woman of faith and have taken so many of my concerns to God.  In the last few years I've been very consistent in praying for God to change my heart and He's constantly working with me on doing just that.  The changes are already taking place.  Having once been someone who could have so easily lashed out on someone for saying something to make me mad has now been replaced with a subtle giggle and my feet leading me away from the situation.  When I used to be so sensitive to the opinions of others I'm now finding myself caring less.

I used to spend my time posting a lot of controversial things on my Facebook page.  It was only when certain political or news topics came up and a lot of people were posting about it.  I decided to share my two cents for a few reasons: one, I wanted those who share the same views as me to see that they aren't alone and two, I wanted those on the opposing side to see a different point of view.  Even though social media has become such a great platform to share thoughts on certain matters I've realized that it's just not worth it.  Are people really listening anyway?  I can say that anytime I log onto Facebook, Twitter or Instagram I become annoyed whenever someone is sharing a political thought or a current news story.  Social media should be fun.  If I'm having a stressful day I want a place to go to for a moment where I can escape reality and cheer up for a bit.  I took a few breaks here and there from Facebook and came back with a much different attitude.  Unless it's an update about my life or something positive, I'm not posting it.  It's the same as if I don't have anything nice to say I'm not saying it.

I also realize that we all come from different backgrounds, families and experiences.  What I feel is right may not be what someone else feels is right and that's okay.  Someone may be making some really bad choices and we naturally feel quick to want to judge them - but remember - we all mess up at one time or another.  God doesn't judge one sin worse than the other.  I also believe we all have the ability to change.  If we mess up, as Christians we know we can go to God and ask for forgiveness.  Once he forgives us we are washed clean of it and can move on to better ourselves.  At that point what we had once done doesn't matter anymore.

Why am I writing all of this?  Because I'm tired of being judged by others in regards to who I used to be.  I recently was being insulted (and maybe he meant it jokingly but I still get tired of it) on the kind of person I was eighteen years ago.  He brought up things that really didn't matter anymore and this particular person seems to want to do that every time I see him.  Trust me when I say, I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to beating myself up over all the things I've done.  I do not need a reminder from others.  Besides, I'm not that person anymore.  I'm not perfect now but I'm so much better than what I used to be.  I'm still maturing, still growing, and still learning.

During a time when these people were talking very rudely about me (mostly behind my back but I heard about it) I felt very hurt and confused.  Then my husband said something that I try to implement now, "If they don't live here with us then their opinion doesn't matter."  Truly, that's so important to realize.  If you aren't with me every single day then you have no right to judge how I live my life.  If you don't know the battles I'm fighting in my head and what God is working with me on then you have no right to judge the kind of person I am - even my husband doesn't know what I pray about and we share the same bed.

I'm a work in progress so please respect that and don't continue to hold me accountable for the person I was yesterday.  I'm learning not to judge others too.

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come." -- 2 Corinthians 5:17

Missing The Baby Stage

Parenting was so much easier when my children were babies and toddlers.  Of course, it didn't feel very easy then.  Getting up all hours of the night, dealing with the fussiness and crying, having to hold them as I tried to clean because they refused to be put down.  I remember those days feeling so long and exhausting but now I would love to go back. 

They were so tiny and delicate then.   What made this stage the easiest was the fact they they were too young to walk, talk back, and be away from me.  I worked a full-time office job until the oldest was born and then I became a stay-at-home mom.  What an amazing journey it's been and one I'm so thankful for.   Being the full-time caregiver to my children was so important to me and my husband.  It wasn't easy, especially financially.  We had to make a lot of sacrifices and there were days when we weren't sure if the bills would get paid on time, but somehow, it worked out.  God always looked out for us.

 Now the kids are only 7 and 11 and I know that's still very young.  They are both elementary school age and both still constantly tell me how much they love me and greet me with hugs and kisses.  They still play with toys and love spending time with me.  The hard part is having to send them to school.  It's those 7 hours I don't know what they are doing and if they are okay, minus the 20 minutes during school time I get to see them at lunch in the cafeteria.  They also have friends that invite them over and I let them go.  Sending them off to someone else's house is hard.  When they were babies I would get together with my friends and their kids.  Now that they are in school they are making their own friends and these friends ask if they can come over.  Of course, I must meet the parents first and if I feel comfortable enough I'll let them have those play dates.  Putting my trust in other adults to watch my kids is not something I'm used to.  I always loved playing with friends when I was a kid and I want them to have friendships too.

They are also involved in after school activities.  My son plays baseball and is in the scouts.  My daughter takes dance classes.  I want them to be active and I enjoy being their biggest fan.

The thing is, lately I've been thinking about how these years are going by so fast and this time I have with them as young children will fade away pretty quickly.  In only a few years my oldest will be a teenager.  Yikes, I'm not ready for it.  My heart feels so heavy whenever I think about the teenage years.  I'm not ready for it.  Is any parent ever ready for it, though?  Every time my son gives me a hug and pulls me down so he can kiss my cheek I realize it won't be long before he stops doing that.  So I'm embracing it and I'm loving it.  I wish I could keep my kids small forever.  I wish I could keep them at home with me all the time so I know they are always safe.  However, ...

They are not mine to keep.  My job as a parent is to make sure I raise them to be independent, self-sufficient adults.  I won't always be around so they have to learn what exactly to do with life on their own.  As challenging as it is I always try to have them do the things they can do for themselves.  They are individuals who belong to God and are only given to me temporarily as their earthly parent.  I have such a huge responsibility in providing for them, loving them, and educating them.  Parenting is the biggest responsibility, the craziest challenge, and the greatest blessing.  I'm so lucky to have these two in my life.  I just wish time would slow down just a bit. 

 

New Year ... New Me?

It's a new year and a time where I should feel motivated to start things over again.  To discover a new me and set some new goals and challenges for myself.  I look at my naked body in the mirror and see fat rolls that shouldn't be there.  I stepped on the scale this morning and saw more pounds added since the last time I checked.  You can say it was from the holidays but honestly it's because of habits I've endured in the entire year.  I was doing so well with healthy eating and exercise but suddenly became so lazy with it.  I gave up.  I didn't want to give up but I did.  I kept telling myself I'd get back into it the next day but those days turned into weeks and months.  Suddenly, there I was looking at my reflection with disgust. 

It's time to get back into the routine of doing what's right.  My determination to live a healthier lifestyle isn't so much about vanity but about survival.  I spent years watching as my mother's health slowly declined and even when becoming a diabetic she still continued to lay around the house and stuff her face with junk.  I know she had no self control and even struggled with some demons but the moment I watched as she lay almost lifeless in the hospital bed after having a stroke I knew I couldn't let myself get into this condition.  I was already living a life that wasn't so active and wasn't so healthy.  I immediately changed.  I was doing great.  People were commenting on how skinny I was getting.  I worked out every day.  I was motivated and determined and I was succeeding.  Then somewhere down the line I just stopped.  Isn't that so typical of us?  I see this with a lot of people.  They start on a great work out routine and then suddenly stop.  Life gets in the way and we struggle to find the time.  Then, since we got out of the habit, we lose motivation. 

I want that motivation again.  I want that determination.  I want the healthy lifestyle.  Not just because it's a fresh start to the year.  Because I'm 40 years old and I need to change.  I need this physical change and I need a mental change.  There are things in my heart and in my mind that I want gone and I spent a good part of my morning praying to God to help me change my heart and mind to how He sees fit.  I'll get there.  I've already come so far.  I just need to keep myself there.  One day at a time. 

2019 you're going to be a good year!  I'll make sure of it.