MRI

 

Sometimes parenting is hard.  I mean, really hard.  There's nothing that hurts worse than when my kid is going through something and I can't make it better.  

I'm still very thankful for a loving God who is walking us through this and to the medical staff and medicines that are there to help.

My son has been battling with migraines for a long time.  After receiving a second opinion from another doctor it's good to know we are possibly getting somewhere, or at least trying.   Right now I'm in the waiting room while he gets an MRI.  I feel so bad for him having to go through this.  I'm not sure if this will give us answers but maybe it will be just one more thing we can rule out.  

He deals with anxiety and sensory issues but I don't know that's what is triggering the migraines or if he just gets himself worked up knowing that the noise around him could cause a headache to start.  The next step would be to get him to cognitive therapy to help him learn how to go through these obstacles.   

I'm sitting in the waiting room feeling anxious, myself.  It's upsetting knowing what he's dealing with right now.  I wish I was able to hold him through it.  I also wish I could take all of this from him.  

We are walking through a deep valley right now and I'd love if you could say a prayer for my sweet Matthew.  

Dance Competition

 I'm sitting here in the auditorium at a hotel on the last of a three day dance competition.  My daughter's dances are over but she insisted on staying to cheer on her other dance friends from back stage.  My husband is feeling financially drained, I'm exhausted from the back and forth 40 minute drive.  We feel like this should be the last year for our daughter to compete but then I see how much she shines on stage and how much fun she has in the dressing room with friends.  She's in her element.   It's helped her come out of a shell.  It's a tough choice to make.  

It's no secret how expensive it is to have a child in dance, let alone competitive dance.  After a long day of school she's off to classes.  We spend just a few long weekends in the year at these competitions.  I watch dance after dance.  Cheer when the studio wins an award.  Secretly feel bad when they don't.  The joyous pride I feel in my heart when my girl is on stage.  I pray we can continue to make this possible for her but if we can't she'll have these last few years wrapped in her memory.  So will I.   

I've even made friends in these other dance moms and today as we shared some experiences of what we have been going through it helped me see I'm not alone.  

Easter 2023

 

Look at my two, dressed in their Sunday best before church service on Easter.  They sat with us and got to hear another incredible sermon about our Lord's sacrifice.  I'm grateful that our faithful God led us to this  particular church.  As someone who grew up Catholic I spent my adult years attending different churches aiming to find one that suits me and my family best.  It's important for me to have a pastor and church read directly from the Bible.  One that is honest in teaching not only about heaven but hell also.  Resurrection Sunday reminds us that without the death and resurrection of our Savior we would not have forgiven sins and a place in heaven.  Being a Christian doesn't mean I'm perfect.  I stumble on my sins each and every day but I believe in a God who gives me grace and forgiveness.   So, Easter is of great importance to me.  

This Easter was a special one as we decided to stay home and spend it together.   No extended family.   No drama.   No having to listen to political talk or others talking harshly about others.  It was nice.  Aside from church we painted eggs, played outside, and rested.  My husband cooked dinner allowing me to rest.   It was good.  Before church, the day started with the kids waking up to their special treats.  

We did visit my parents house on Saturday where family from Long Island visited.  The kids painted eggs with their cousins and played.  It was a good time but I was glad to have that done on Saturday and a peaceful day on Sunday.  

Today I spend my last day of vacation spring cleaning.  

The Teenage Years

This little boy.  The one who I spent hours playing with, napping with, snuggling with.  Always wanting me to hold him.  Constantly running to me with hugs and telling me he loves me.  I remember the first time he said he loved me.  I was sitting on that same ugly green couch pictured below and he jumped into my arms and said, "I love you!" in his little toddler voice.  

Oh, how I miss that little boy.  My heart aches every day wanting that little boy back.  

He's still with me but now as a teen, and boy, these teenage years are difficult.  He'll sometimes reach out for a quick hug but if I hug him or give him a kiss he'll pull back.  It's been a very long time since he's said he loves me.  When I ask him how his day was I only get a one word answer.  "Good." He spends a lot of time in his room, just as I did in my teenage years.  

He's still willing to spend time with me and I do soak in those moments.  I just feel we are disconnecting from what it used to be.  

Just when I had things figured out on how to raise a little boy I'm struggling to figure out how to raise a teenage boy.  It's probably the most difficult phase yet.  Although, I am grateful it's not as bad as it could be.  He still tells me things.  Sometimes.  He's not running with a bad crowd.  He still devotes himself to getting good grades, working hard in baseball and scouts, and was willing to get a job on his own so he could save money.  But when we ask him to do some chores or even get a shower it takes a lot to get him to move and it's not done without a sigh or complaint.  We allowed him to have a cell phone and now that thing is attached to him at all times.  He's also developed quite an attitude when things don't go his way.  

I've spent these last few years feeling so irritated when it came to his development into adolescence.  Emotionally I just wasn't ready.  I'm still not.  The urge to have kept that baby boy is still there, although I know kids grow up.  He grew up.  Instead of dwelling on what was I need to come to terms with what is.  I have a teenage boy.  A fifteen year old.  In just one year he might be driving.  In three years he'll be graduating high school as an eighteen year old.  Time is ticking away.  As a parent it's my job to prepare him for that life ahead.  Teaching him how to be an independent, self-sufficient adult.  I also can't expect that he's going to have it all figured out NOW.  He doesn't, and neither do I.  There's so much I need to realize while raising a teen.  I need to learn patience.  I need to be understanding and show as much empathy as possible.  I also need to understand that he may not want to talk my ear off with all the things that's going on in his life anymore.  Maybe he wants to save those conversations for friends.  But when he is ready to talk to me, I'll be right here waiting.  I also need to understand he needs his space.  He also needs to know he is valued by me.  That even though life is confusing in this stage and the future might feel uncertain, that I'm going to be right there with him to figure it all out.  I need to show compassion and give him grace when he messes up.  There is so much more, too.  

So, I'm going to accept this stage we are in and continue to love him through it all.  In the good and bad of every season, I love him always.