That lock down taught me just how easily things can change, even the things we look forward to and expect will happen. It was often frustrating and stressful and some moments I felt like I was losing my mind but it also gave me an opportunity to grow and learn. So far this year, even before the pandemic, I had been struggling with a lot of things. Most people know that in 2019 I had to undergo three different surgeries to remove basal cell skin cancer. As more spots popped up it was concerning for my doctor. I went for genetics testing and found out I have a rare genetic disorder called Basal Cell Nevus Syndrome. Skin cancer may not be as severe as most cancers are, but it was still very frustrating knowing that I was going to live with this for the rest of my life. My face is already scarred and different than it used to be and imagining what it would be like if I had to keep having surgeries left me feeling sad and scared. I'm someone who likes to be in control over the situation so not being in control of this was hard for me, the same as what the future will be like after all this virus stuff happened. It was a different experience for all of us and it's something I needed to learn to accept and understand that I don't have to be in control of everything. I recently went back to the dermatologist for another check up in which he thinks he might have found a spot of melanoma. He shaved it and sent it for biopsy. As I waited for the results I felt a sense of peace and good spirits, knowing that no matter the results I was going to get through it.
In the last few months I felt my depression kicking in again as there was a lot more situations going on in my life, so much that I haven't told anyone. It wasn't just me. It seems as if everyone I know is going through something major. Cancer and chemotherapy, sickness, broken relationships, death of loved ones, job loss, etc. I realize that my personal situations aren't as bad as what most are going through but I hurt so much for them. When a family member or friend is going through a hard time I feel myself suffering along with them. I'm usually someone who is always there for others, with an upbeat attitude and a sense of humor to help give them a reason to laugh. I just couldn't be that person for awhile and it was because I allowed the enemy to take over my thoughts. It just seemed to be so much and it became too overwhelming. I noticed I was complaining more and focusing on nothing but the negative around me. That is certainly not how I want to be. I'm the one people go to when they need someone to lean on and talk to. Depending on the situation I either offer my shoulder for them to cry on or try my best to make them laugh. We are in such tough times right now, ALL of us, and so I refuse to be selfish and I needed to pull myself out of this funk. My days have now been filled with a lot of prayer, scripture reading, and moving my thoughts away from all the negative around me.
I'm also a big believer that no matter what happens to us we have a God that is bigger and better and will get us through. Whether it's sitting at home waiting for a pandemic to pass, or anything else we may be going through God is the ultimate Healer and He will bring peace and restoration in His time. I also love knowing that even though there may be suffering here on earth there is a beautiful, wonderful, perfect life in Heaven waiting for me. We are not meant to stay in this world forever and the things we struggle with along the way give us purpose, growth, and understanding. For awhile I was telling people how 2020 seems to be the year of disappointments, but the truth is 2020 is the year of stillness, learning, and growing. I'm ready and willing to embrace whatever the reason is for these challenging times and continue to believe that God has a purpose. In the beginning of the year I kept hearing the words "Be still" over and over. I believe that God has called us all to be still. I also believe that even in these challenging times filled with heartache, grief, and uncertainty we still have so many blessings and opportunities to be thankful for. I'm choosing to focus on the positive and only the positive here on out. We are in tough times but I'm handing it all over to God and trusting in Him. No matter what we are faced with He is bigger and stronger than any of it!
And the results came back NEGATIVE for melanoma, which was a huge sigh of relief, but it is another basal cell. Today I went in just for a scrape and burn procedure. This is what my life will be like from now on but I'm just thankful that it isn't anything much worse. I don't know how many more spots will pop up and how many more surgeries I will have but it all rests in the hands of God, and I'm still so very thankful.
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